Kelly Scissorhands

My nails have been proving themselves to be as bothersome, um, effective as predicted. Last night as I tried to give a boy a massage after his hard day of work I'm pretty sure I stabbed him in the neck. Being as how I didn't hit the jugular and he's just happy to be getting one, he didn't say a word. As I waited in line at the drive through Starbucks this morning, I couldn't get my debit card out of its home in my wallet. I had to bend my wallet back and use my teeth. It prevented me from getting a pumpkin scone for breakfast and instead I got a reduced-fat turkey bacon and egg white sandwich. It did not prevent me from getting a pumpkin spice latte. Tis the season, bitches.

Per the request of someone who had too much whine with his pork, here's a photo of my scissorhands. I know. They're not even crazy long. For those that haven't had fakies before, it's not so much the length (I'm used to long nails for the most part), it's the fact that they aren't actually part of your body and you can't feel things with them the same way and it's how thick they are. They're twice as thick as your natural nails which is why it's harder to wedge them under the tab on your can of beer. Hell, I can't even set free a piece of turkey bacon from between my teeth anymore. I had to use a piece of paper in my car on the drive home. I know, this is serious. Hopefully they keep reminding me to stay on track. If not, maybe I can start trimming hedges and cutting hair with them

Nailed it

I decided to get my nails done today. A full set of fake french loveliness. I've had acrylics before and I never keep them on for very long. They start pissing me off or I can't afford to get them filled all the time. I'm not sure why I keep going back to fake when my nails look beautiful naturally, but I do. Maybe it's the simple fact that they don't break as easily or maybe it's the fact that they just look effin perfect when they're fake and that's me, perfect.

I did it this time for a somewhat odd reason. They are meant to be a constant reminder of what I'm trying to do...better myself. There is very little I can do in a day that isn't somehow affected by my sassy new nails and I'm hoping, at least for a while, it will be a reminder. If I can't get the lid off of the pint of Ben & Jerry's that easily anymore than mayhaps I shouldn't be eating it. Can't open a can of Diet Mt. Dew? Shouldn't be drinking it. Long fake nails just don't cooperate the way long real nails do so things just end up more difficult.

We'll see. It's worth a shot. Regardless, I look hot.