We hold these truths to be self-evident

I don't blog well when I'm going to school. I don't eat well when I'm going to school. I don't exercise well when I'm going to school. This much I know is true. I also know that when I am not doing well at weight loss I have no inspiration to write about weight loss. You end up with pointless drivel about school girl crushes on boys that can't catch a clue. The only real success of the last couple months is that I am completely and utterly over aforementioned crush. As of a few days ago he's still suggesting that we hang out again, but if we do, it will remain just as platonic as the first time we went out. There has been a lot of dating, though. And by a lot I mean that I probably met about a dozen guys in the span of a month or two. None of it went especially well. None that is, but one. One that I met about a month and a half ago and who I now see almost every day.

I just finished the summer term of school and have about 5 weeks to bask in lackadaisical bliss. To hang out with a boy and make some bad decisions. To go on road trips and maybe even get real crazy and rent a hotel room. To make having fun and enjoying myself my only real responsibility. Thanks to Lynn at the unemployment office, that just got a little more feasible.

I'd been growing more and more tense the last couple weeks knowing that my latest round of unemployment benefits was coming to an end. This week it did. I had to wait until the balance officially showed zero and then call. I waited on hold for what seemed like ever and then Lynn answered. We went through the formalities and she told me that I still had 10 weeks of an extension left on my last claim that we could first exhaust and when that was up we would figure out the next course of action. I said, "I know this is wishful thinking, but will the amount be the same as the old claim or the amount of this new claim." expecting for her to laugh me right off the phone with my delusional ways. No, No, she quickly became my new best friend as she told me that the amount of money that I'll be getting for the next ten weeks will be the amount I was getting on my last claim. You see, round about spring break when I had to file a new claim, they dropped my benefits by about $700 a month and it's been agony trying to get by on that. I may or may not have threatened girl on girl action at that point as I now loved her so very very much.

On the diet front. I have no idea. I haven't been on a scale in weeks. I've been skipping a lot of meals. Like, eating once a day kind of skipping a lot of meals. Other days I'm eating a bunch of fast food and various other gluttonous behavior. My metabolism is probably waiving a white flag and my diabetes? Well, we'll just not talk about that. It seems as though I still haven't found a successful way to balance the insanity of school with the agony of weight loss. Must. Find. Way. Anyone have any suggestions?

So long rat, hello ox!

Welcome, 2009, with your hair full of confetti and your pockets full of hope. Come in and have a seat. I have big plans for you, my friend, big plans. Your predecessor, 2008, has not been kind and to be quite honest, I couldn't be happier to see that bitch go down. I knew going in that the year of the rat was not going to be a banner year. I mean, really, a rat? Let's recap, shall we?

We lost some great one's in 2008. Paul Newman, Heath Ledger, Bernie Mac, Eartha Kitt, Bo Diddley, Charlton Heston, George Carlin, Tim Russert, Isaac Hayes, Harvey Korman, and don't even get me started on the death of those pink and white animal cookies with the fall of the Mother's Cookies empire. The list of 2008 casualties, celebrity or otherwise, is long. My personal list of losses is just as extensive, and since weight isn't among them, I will mention only one...my grandmother. Though we lost her mind to Alzheimer's years ago, we had to officially say goodbye in 2008.

Speaking of death, how about that economy, huh? Completely in the shitter. Oregon's unemployment rate alone is higher than it's been in about 34 years. Businesses are shutting down left and right and those that do manage to stay afloat are laying off their staff at an alarming rate. I have been out of a job since February and can count on one hand the number of interviews I've been called in for. Gas prices this summer were insane and the stock market? Seriously? Someone might wanna check on that big ol' bull statue they've got near Wall Street cuz someone's got him by the balls.

I, too, have hope for 2009. Our new president promises change. Regardless of your political beliefs (and no, I have no interest in hearing them), the mere fact that we have an African American man taking office speaks volumes for the potential of this country. Regardless of who you or I voted for, you cannot miss seeing the significance of that. I hope that he will do us all proud. I hope that the change he brings is to the benefit of each of us. I may or may not hope that he brings back Mother's Cookies.

I have hope for 2009 because I plan to lose 100 pounds before the Ox passes the torch to the Tiger. I have the support of new friends that I barely know, even if I don't have the support of those I've known for years. I have them tracking me down on my blackberry and softly whispering "Step away from the ice cream, bitch." wherever I go. Bets have been made, lines have been drawn, and the gloves are off. Hear me roar!

I have hope for 2009 because today I got a sign that everything will be alright; that good things will come for me this year. Today I saw a preview for another movie starring Gerard Butler. Things are lookin' up, kids, lookin' up indeed.

This is Sparta, Bitches!

I’ve been considering changing my name to Antigone because I’ve been feeling like my life is like a goddamn Greek tragedy lately. Still no job, my savings account has been summarily wiped out, ticket, last month’s weight loss has been pretty slow, I may never move back out of my parent’s house, and to top it off I’ve been breaking out in what I can only describe as hives since, like, May. I take a little swig of Children’s Benadryl almost every day just to keep from scratching off my own skin. I no longer have health insurance, me being that of the unemployed, so I can’t really go get it figured out without spending more money I don’t have. Et tu, Brute? Et tu?

The first time I watched “300” I was distracted because I was hold up in my room, in the dark, with the volume turned down to almost nothing, hiding from my psycho roommate (and I may or may not have been distracted by all the abs). My crush on Gerard Butler (he’s since been deemed Matthew’s replacement and is now the desktop image on my computer) was not fully developed at this point and I wasn’t even aware that he was the King of the Abs, er, Spartans.

With nothing else really on tonight, and me actually having control over the remote for a change, I watched it again. Those Spartans, boy, they had nuts the size of small children. You know a guy is testicularly gifted when he is huddled under his shield, giggling like a school boy, while millions of razor sharp arrows are plummeting to the earth around them. Not a lot of people would find that sort of thing funny, but a Spartan? Nothing is funnier than possible death by decapitation.

After watching it this time I felt like I, too, was a Spartan warrior (albeit a softer, gentler, more estrogen filled version). I will make Xerxes my bitch. Xerxes, in this case, being my job status, my financial status, and my fat ass status. I took my butt to the computer and emailed an activewear company that is based in Portland and hiring for a girl of my qualifications. I had wanted to email them earlier, but felt that would be a very awkward interview for a big girl, what with it being ACTIVEwear and all. Well, I’m a Spartan now. I kicked them in the chest and sent them spiraling down into a dark cavernous well.

“Good evening,

Attached, you will find my professional cover letter and resume. Here, you will find a little more. My job search has been bleak and I’m feeling the need to step it up. The things that I feel compelled to say in this submittal will most certainly set me apart (whether in a good way or a bad way I’ve yet to determine). The unemployment office would surely give me a solid swat on the back of my hands for even thinking about typing this, but here I am...typing.

I am a woman that has never shopped at Lucy. Don’t get me wrong, I love your store. I’ve been in there often. I walk in with my sister or my friends and my tactile nature has me touching everything. I put together outfits for them and point out what I think is super cute, and yet, I buy nothing. You see, I don’t fit into anything you have. I am a plus-sized woman and I aspire to wear your clothes. I have picked things out that I tell myself I will one day wear and have almost gotten to the check out line. I stop myself just in time and I leave. I step outside to wait aching for the day that Lucy and I will be BFF’s (I know, I can’t believe I just said BFF either).

The fact of the matter is, I’m losing weight. I’m even writing a book about the experience. All of my dates with Gym have me longing to spend time with Lucy even more as the baggy t-shirts just aren’t cutting it. When I picture my future self doing yoga, Pilates, hiking, and the like I see me doing it with Lucy. When I saw your posting for Office Administrative Assistant I told myself that if I can’t wear her yet...I’ll work for her. So, here I am, writing a completely inappropriate letter for employment in hopes that my humor, chutzpah, and secret crush will somehow work in my favor. If not, please disregard and see attached.

Best,

Kelly Anderson”

They'll either think I'm completely crazy and delete it or they'll think that I also have balls the size of small children and they'll call me in for an interview despite my girth. Either way, I'll get noticed. No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan law!

Note: If the job for Spartan Queen is open and it entails diddling Gerard Butler, I have an updated resume and references available upon request.