Don't Worry...I'm Alive!

Just checking in. Letting you know I've not succumb to anything too serious. One note of worth...I am not going to be taking summer classes and graduation will REALLY mean I'm done. It is both exciting and scary. Exciting because no more frickin' homework! Scary because that means no student loan checks to help me get by and will really and truly need a job ASAP (or lots of freelance work to do at the office space). GAH!!! Freakin' out. I have to get through TEN MORE DAYS!

I have no idea what I weigh right now. I do suck, I know. TEN MORE DAYS!

It's not delivery OR DiGiorno

I had a pretty decent workout at the gym today, but not very long. I had a lot to do and needed to make it quick. I snagged a McDonald's Southwest Salad with Grilled Chicken on the way home. Love this salad.

I got adventurous in the kitchen again and made pizza for dinner tonight. I make calzones for Mom and Dad quite often, but I just use some sort of instant pizza dough like Pillsbury or something. Today I made the dough from scratch. I also made the sauce from scratch. I put turkey pepperoni, canadian bacon, mushrooms, olives and some cheese (a little bit of sharp and some reduced fat four cheese italian blend). That crust was super tasty. I'm not going to say it was the most healthy dinner, but it was better than what I would have gotten somewhere else. I'm going to try a whole wheat crust one of these times.

I have a crazy week ahead. I have to get a LOT (and by a lot I mean a shit load) of homework dialed in before I go to the beach for the weekend, hit the gym on Tuesday and Wednesday, have some phone coaching thing with a Bodybugg coach on Wednesday, coffee with a friend Thursday to do homework together and then...

On Thursday I am meeting with someone that runs a creative services coop. Meaning, 10 people share the space and run their own businesses out of it. We each have a "pod" (aka cubicle of sorts) and do our own things, but we share the basics. The huge layout table, the conference room, the kitchen, the copier, etc.

We'd also share opinions, feedback, some laughs and some coffee. It's having my own business while still getting to socialize with like minded individuals. Bliss. I am still going to be looking for a full time job so I get some of that real world experience, but Pixel Dust will have a home. There are two locations in Portland and they have a space opening at the location pictured above. I'd have 24/7 access to the building so even if I got a "job" I could do my own thing on evenings and weekends. Ideally, though, business will be booming soon enough and I can focus all my attention on making my design studio a success. Giddy. Graduation is looming and big things are on the horizon.

In the land of suck...I am Queen.

Who else is tired of my bullshit? I've had this blog for what? Six years? All of my yo-yoing, teeter-tottering, waivering and whining has resulted in a weight loss of nada/zilch/zero/nothing/goose egg. Sweet Jesus I suck.

Last week was the end of Winter term for me. On one of the last days a classmate happened to park close to me and because we were allowed to arrive later than normal, parking was a nightmare. We started walking up the hill at what would be an average pace for most people. As the incline increased I knew there was no way I would make it to the top with him in any state other than one of complete and utter disgust. I knew I wouldn't be able to breathe and he'd be like "WTF and stuff." This term I gained back anything I lost last term. Fail. I quickly grabbed my phone out of my pocket, interrupted the conversation and said, "Crap, I gotta take this call. I'll see you in there." Lame. I was embarrassed that I even had to do it, but I would have been mortified if I hadn't.

When it comes to excuses I reign supreme. I could give you a new one every single day of the week. I'm too busy with school, I don't feel good (no shit, you're 360+ pounds), it's too hard, I have bangs now and I can't workout with bangs...I think you see where this is going. It's bullshit. All of it. Every excuse is completely and utterly pulled right out of my ass. Well, it's enema time (no, not literally, ew). No more excuses.

Here is what I know. I have spent the last two years completely focused on a goal. Absolutely nothing could get me off track. I've had tunnel vision like you read about and could not be stopped. I gave up my social life, for the most part, and I did almost nothing but work towards the end result...my degree. I graduate with an Associates in Graphic Design in June (but will continue taking a few web design classes). What if I would have applied the same consistent focus to losing weight? What if I would have buckled down and worked as hard to get healthy as I did to get a degree? Why do I care more about the career I'll have in the future than I do about the health I'll have? I have worked harder in the last two years than I have in my entire life so I am not afraid of putting in the work. I have kept my eye on the prize for two years so it's not that I'm just easily distracted by shiny things. So what's the deal? When I have 8am classes I get up at 5am to get there in time. There have been terms when I am at school from 8am to almost 9pm a couple days a week. Terms when I'm there most of the day, every day and doing homework all night and on the weekends. My life has been graphic design all day, all the time. And yet I can't eat the right thing or get any real form of exercise? Fail.

I once suggested that I should treat all of this as if it were one of my classes since school apparently means more to me than anything. Classes still got in the way. Here's what's on tap for next term (which starts Monday). The only design class I have is my portfolio class. Yes, we spend hours upon hours every Friday working on our portfolios. I stacked my classes in a way that this term is cake. Then, after that class, I volunteer in the design lab. I will be on campus from 9am to 9pm. All of my other classes (three of them) are online classes, which means I fit them in as I see fit. I know. In THEORY, this should make getting in exercise and such much easier. Online classes, however, still take a lot of time because I am essentially teaching myself how to do all of this. We shall see.

Yesterday I took some of my tax return and mama got a new pair of shoes. She also got a few new things to workout in, but hasn't actually tried them on yet. Regardless, here is my plan of attack. Most classes I take are 3 credits and I spend 3 hours in class twice a week. For Kelly 101 it will be 1.5 hours four time a week. That means exercise. Either in the gym or going for a walk or a hike or something involving consistent movement. Monday through Thursday at a scheduled time. I very rarely let anything keep me from class, so...very little should keep me from my exercise! Homework? Natch. By Monday I will be caught up on the blogs I follow (it's been way too long and I apologize) and I will keep myself updated on them. Homework is also where the healthy eating comes in...meal prep. This term ends mid June, just after I turn 34. I will be graduating. I will be starting the next chapter of my life and have no idea what life has in store for me. I hope to hell I'm facing all of it significantly lighter.

So, to any of you still reading this (bless your hearts), I'm inviting you to be my professors of fat. Keep on my ass. Give me assignments. Grade me. Make me your bitch! Come on. You know you want to.

Life raft anyone?

I'm struggling. Big time. I'm hardly sleeping, hardly eating, hardly keeping my head above water. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm stressed. I'm...drowning.

School is fucking insane. I haven't weighed since the gain of a couple weeks ago. Insertnamehere and I haven't seen each other in two weeks and it's likely not going to change anytime soon. Sadly, that's not so much my fault as it is his. He's just as busy as I am and, well, I'm/we/this is on the back burner for a while so that he can sort some things out. I miss him. I miss the escape that spending time with him provided. I miss how he calms me and right now, I need a lot of calming. I'm on edge. I'm going to snap. I'm scheduling a breakdown for about 1:30 this afternoon. Should be fun.

On that note, back to homework. It's all I do these days. All day, and often all night. All week and all weekend. Mama needs a break, but not for another 8 weeks. FML.

Don't judge me

Didn't weigh in this week.
Haven't been to the gym this week.
Not especially proud of how I've eaten this week.
Wednesday night I only got 2.5 hours of sleep because I was up all night doing homework.
Thursday night wasn't much better.
This weekend will be more of the same.

Before you judge me, take a second to ponder how it might feel for me to punch you in the neck for doing so.
Carry on.

Schoolhouse Rock!

I loved Schoolhouse Rock when I was little. Hell, I love it now. Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here, Conjunction Junction, I'm Just A Bill, Interjections! Those were the good ol' days. Well, I'm grown now and I have a few new Interjections! Shit, fuck, and damn! These are Interjections! Well, not and, and is a conjunction, uh, junction. That's it's function.

I haven't been to the gym since Monday (and we all know how that went). Can't blame it on the playground because it's still status quo (though the signs are still present that flooding is eminent). It's school and lack of sleep. It's me getting used to my new schedule. It's me being a tool. In my defense, though, this is the list of things I have to do this weekend for school:

Figure out which horror movie I'm going to depict in a full page ad and draw 40 thumbnail sketches of said ad. Also, find 3 current movie ads in magazines.

Read Chapters 1-3 of From Design Into Print and prepare for quiz that will be on Tuesday

Read pages 1-32 of Making and Breaking the Grid and figure out which badly designed magazine I want to redesign and which well designed magazine I want to model it after.

Design an invoice and a timesheet that I will use for the African Film Festival non-profit project we've been assigned and do 30 thumbnails for said poster. Also, watch at least one movie from the African Film Festival collection and write a reaction to it as well as other various research.

Develop an 11 x 17 vision board of things that I find inspiring as it pertains to my own identity/brand/career and do 20 business card ideas for myself.

Good times, kids. School is most definitely back in session. For those that thought the first week of school couldn't possibly be that big of a deal? It's a very big deal. Let me get acclimated again and then we can talk about Gym.

I'll take Fat Girl Ailments for $800, Alex.

Alex: shin splints, plantar fasciitis, lower back pain, bad knees, lack of energy, and sometimes, TOM.

Me: What are reasons fat girls give to get out of a workout? I'll take Fat Girl Ailments for $1000, Alex.

Alex: diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and infertility to name a few.

Me: What are reasons a fat girl should give a damn?

I have somehow found my groove at the gym this go round. All of the things that ail me and cause me to quit have not been bothering me TOO much. I can really only attribute this to less time on the treadmill. To getting my cardio minutes in on 3 different machines instead of just one. World o' difference. It's just so hard on a good day to be there doing the things I need to do, but when everything I do is riddled with some sort of pain it's only natural that I'm going to eventually get tired of it and quit. I've gone to the gym 5 days a week for two weeks now. Today was a day off, but tomorrow I will be there bright and early for my workout and my weigh in.

Girl's night was ok. I ended up having one drink so I didn't pick up the ice cream I was planning to take over to Insertnamehere's. He and I did surprisingly well considering he had just met with his soon to be ex wife and was super cranky when he called. I like that I can provide some sort of calming effect. I like that he smiles when he sees me even after a crappy day. I like that when we hang out all of the outside crap seems less important, even if only for a few hours. We both need that right now.

Tomorrow school starts back up. Eff me. There are three things that I have to somehow manage to keep as priorities along with school. My weight loss (natch), the freelance graphic design business I've started with a classmate, and Insertnamehere. How in the hell I'm going to swing it all is not entirely clear, but I've been trying to devise plans. My classmate and I are going to meet on campus before classes a few times a week to stay on track with the business. Insertnamehere and I are going to get through the next couple of insane weeks and then sit down and figure out at least one day that we know we're going to see each other every week and plan for it. If other days can happen, all the better, but at least we'll have one day a week that is dedicated to this friendship. What I eat on Tuesdays and Thursdays might be a crap shoot, but my classes shouldn't get in the way of the other days. I am planning to try to hit the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at least and do Wii fitness games on the other days. That will be subject to change as I see what my schedule brings. Pray for me!

We hold these truths to be self-evident

I don't blog well when I'm going to school. I don't eat well when I'm going to school. I don't exercise well when I'm going to school. This much I know is true. I also know that when I am not doing well at weight loss I have no inspiration to write about weight loss. You end up with pointless drivel about school girl crushes on boys that can't catch a clue. The only real success of the last couple months is that I am completely and utterly over aforementioned crush. As of a few days ago he's still suggesting that we hang out again, but if we do, it will remain just as platonic as the first time we went out. There has been a lot of dating, though. And by a lot I mean that I probably met about a dozen guys in the span of a month or two. None of it went especially well. None that is, but one. One that I met about a month and a half ago and who I now see almost every day.

I just finished the summer term of school and have about 5 weeks to bask in lackadaisical bliss. To hang out with a boy and make some bad decisions. To go on road trips and maybe even get real crazy and rent a hotel room. To make having fun and enjoying myself my only real responsibility. Thanks to Lynn at the unemployment office, that just got a little more feasible.

I'd been growing more and more tense the last couple weeks knowing that my latest round of unemployment benefits was coming to an end. This week it did. I had to wait until the balance officially showed zero and then call. I waited on hold for what seemed like ever and then Lynn answered. We went through the formalities and she told me that I still had 10 weeks of an extension left on my last claim that we could first exhaust and when that was up we would figure out the next course of action. I said, "I know this is wishful thinking, but will the amount be the same as the old claim or the amount of this new claim." expecting for her to laugh me right off the phone with my delusional ways. No, No, she quickly became my new best friend as she told me that the amount of money that I'll be getting for the next ten weeks will be the amount I was getting on my last claim. You see, round about spring break when I had to file a new claim, they dropped my benefits by about $700 a month and it's been agony trying to get by on that. I may or may not have threatened girl on girl action at that point as I now loved her so very very much.

On the diet front. I have no idea. I haven't been on a scale in weeks. I've been skipping a lot of meals. Like, eating once a day kind of skipping a lot of meals. Other days I'm eating a bunch of fast food and various other gluttonous behavior. My metabolism is probably waiving a white flag and my diabetes? Well, we'll just not talk about that. It seems as though I still haven't found a successful way to balance the insanity of school with the agony of weight loss. Must. Find. Way. Anyone have any suggestions?

OMG and WTF

So, the frantic nature of this post might be because I'm just a flighty bitch sometimes, might be because I'm floored by the events of tonight, or it may or may not be because I'm still slightly intoxicated. Let's proceed shall we? Hang on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Tonight was the night that my classmates and I were to go out and have drinks after class. On a normal night, I am working in the lab until 8 and right next door they are in class until almost 9. Not tonight. Tonight they got out at 6:30. I still had to stay until 8. They were all at the bar well before I could even leave school. Lame. Not the point of this post.

Before I continue with the events of tonight it's time to give names. Laura is my bestest bud in the program. Andy is another close friend. Andy and Laura were (notice I said were) the only one's that knew about my crush on Alex. Yes, Dutchie has a real name. Daniel is another one of my friends and will be explained later.

I get to the bar and walk in to our "usual" spot, pass Alex, Andy and Daniel's end of the table without saying anything, and head straight to Laura's end. Me. Coy. Subtle. Etc. Whatever. I'm barely there long enough to get my coat off when Alex comes up to say hi and tries to score a high five. I, naturally, inquire as to how much he's had without me as he has never suggested that we should high five nor has he slurred quite so much. We, and Laura, talk for a bit and he goes back to where he was originally. Andy informs me that he has intel but must pee first to sober up a little before he can tell me. On pins and needles, Laura and I wait outside the men's room for the scoop. Apparently, when someone from the program that was there that I really don't know very well asked who "Kelly" was before I got there, Alex was quick to jump on describing me with things like, "You know, she just cut her hair. She had really long hair and she just cut it really short. She..." and proceeded with giving information about me. Andy takes that as a good sign.

The three of us go back to the table and Alex is now sitting across from where I was sitting. Laura and I sit down and the three of us were talking about all kinds of things. She's asking all kinds of questions about him and his life and his past and does he have a girlfriend and "No? You don't? Kelly? You're single aren't you?" Wow. Good thing I'd had a couple drinks. Then Laura leaves he and I there to fend for ourselves (somehow, not sure, this is when Daniel found out that Alex and I getting together was Laura's mission and deems this something he can make happen). Alex and I continue to talk and laugh and get to know each other and all is right with the world. We casually start mingling with the others and every time I go to another table to talk to someone else, within no time, Alex is standing next to me again. I go to another table, turn, and Alex is standing next to me. After a while I look over and he is talking to Laura. She nods in my direction in a "get that, yo." sorta way. He laughs and tells her to shut up. She says something else and he says, "Yeah?" and "Really?" which I took as "Not a terrible idea." The I look back and see her slipping him a napkin. I think it's my phone number. He looks at it laughs and lays it back on the table. WTF? He's not taking it. He's ignoring it. Wait. He's folding it. No, leaving it. No, wait, he's??? WTF? I text her and ask her what she just did. Apparently, she wrote "Kiss her!" OMG.

After a little while longer, she takes my keys because I was ready to go and she didn't want me to. I ask for them again and she gives them to Alex and tells him, in front of everyone, that he should walk me to my car. He takes them. I tell everyone I'm leaving and he gives me my keys. I walk out. Mortified. I'm barely out the door when I hear "Hey, let me see this ride." It's Alex. He found out tonight what I drive. I said, "It should be over here somewhere." and just kept walking (I SHOULD have stopped and let him walk with me). We got to my car and talk a little while as I got my bag out of my trunk. Talked a little more as I opened my car door. Then he told me to drive safe (I SHOULD have stayed out there and talked to him and not made it look like I couldn't get out of there fast enough).

Here's why I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I didn't know what all got said to him when I wasn't around. I didn't know if he came out there on his own or if he was peer pressured into following me out. I didn't want him to think I had a hand in the awkward comments made by my friend or that it was all part of my master plan. After talking to my friend on the phone later I now know that he came out there all on his own. That she was surprised he did. I know that I'm a fucking dumb ass and totally cock blocked MYSELF! Who does that, by the way? I know that things could be all kinds of awkward when I see them all again. I know that I'm tired, confused, mortified, and going to bed. OMG and WTF?

Plans A through C

Plan A: Make the most of summer vacation to get over this stupid crush and lose tons of weight.

For the last few days I thought that I only had to get through the next 4 weeks with this crush and that over the summer break I would find a way to get completely over it. I'd find a distraction, a replacement, a reason to never think twice about it again. Well, apparently there are forces at work that are beyond me. As it stands right now, he and I have both signed up for the same summer class. So much for that plan, onto plan B.

Plan B: Rid myself of the crush quickly by finding something so annoying about him that I can hardly even hold a conversation with him.

Though in its early stages, this plan isn't going very well. I keep hoping I'll hear him saying something rude or inappropriate; nothing. He's both nice and polite so far. I keep hoping I'll notice that his clothes are dirty or that he smells funny; nope. Bad teeth; no they're perfect. The only thing I can even remotely find fault in is that his nails are about a week past needing to be cut, but they're clean so really? How much can I bitch?

Plan C: I believe my new favorite bad ass, Liam Neeson, put it best in Taken...what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

I'm going to wow him with my graphic design prowess, win him over with my sparkling personality, and just when I have him within my clutches, give him the ol' one two with my quick wit (I may or may not lean over his desk with a low cut shirt). He very likely has no current interest in me, but should Plan B backfire then I will spend the next year perfecting Plan C.

I chopped off all my hair yesterday. By chopped off I mean that my neck is bare. Dutchie cut his yesterday, too. See, we even think alike. I know this because today I was working in the Graphic Design computer lab with a couple friends when he came in. Neither of us mentioned our new dos...other people did it for us. Unfortunately, he looks even cuter. He's killin me. We talked quite a bit, but mostly project related things. One of my friends left and surprised us by bringing back ice cream sundaes for us all. He and I sat and ate ice cream together. Swoon.

So, I'm still hoping I'll find something unbearable about him that will help me cope because right now I'm so frickin' distracted that I can't focus on school the way I normally do. It's terrible. I've managed to save myself this agony for a very long time and don't especially dig this sort of thing. Should I need to put Plan C into effect...what are YOUR suggestions (besides losing a couple hundred pounds)?

Check Yes or No

Remember in grade school when you (or your friends) liked someone and everything could be sorted out with one well written note? Maybe you've even received one in your day. Passed from the back of the room, shoulder over shoulder, until it finally reached you. You'd open it and see, "I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no." followed by the sloppily penned signature of your admirer. You'd check a box designating your chosen response and pass it back. If you chose yes, whether you ever spoke to him again or not, you were now his girlfriend. Done deal. End of story. When my brother was in grade school this is how he scored the affection of a particular girl. I'm not sure how long it lasted, but I do know that when they got a little older he must have crafted a much more devious plan to score her because he is now married to her.

I remind you of this dating ritual of our youth because right now I feel like I'm back in middle school. I feel distracted and giddy. I feel anxious and, well, stupid. Since high school (uh, that's a long time ago, people) the number of times I've had a thing for someone I've had to interact with on a daily basis is minimal and since I'm so socially inept I don't deal with them well. Think I'm kidding about being socially inept? Try this on for size. Last night I went to a bar I like that's close to my house. It's pretty low key and I knew that I could bring Mac and sit and work on some things for school. I was sitting there and the four seats to my right filled up with a group of friends. All of a sudden I heard the guy next to me say to his friend on the opposite end, "No, I'm not lonely down here. I've got a beautiful woman sitting to the left of me." Cue the crickets because I said nothing. Not thank you. Not "Sho you right." Nothing. I acted as if I didn't even hear him. Who's lame? I'm lame.

Which brings me to new boy from class. Hereforto known as Dutchie because a couple weeks ago he and I talked about the fact that his dad is Dutch. I know; so meant to be I can hardly stand it. Mondays and Wednesdays he and I have a class together. I got all dolled up and came to school. Comment after comment was made about my long straight hair and how cute I looked. I got through my first class and then it was time for my class with him. People were talking to me when he came in, but I saw him do a double take out of the corner of my eye as he entered. I sat at my desk (him sitting at the computer across the aisle to my right) and started working on my project while we waited for class to start. He got up and came over to me and said, "Hey, Kelly. How are you?" He could have done that from where he was sitting. I don't think for a split second that he likes me, but I like to read a lot into the fact that he got up and walked over to me instead of doing it 3 feet away from me. We talked for a minute and class started. I talked to him a little more later and at one point I sat between him and one of my guy friends so that I could talk to said friend. Dutchie participated in the conversation a little while he worked and I subtley put the pressure on him to join us for drinks next week.

Today I didn't see him until 2. I was secretly hoping that he would appear at my table again like he did Tuesday, but he didn't. I went to the Graphic Design work room that is between the two rooms we have classes in. I sat in there working and he showed up for his class. Initially nothing much got said. I said a few things to him when he'd come in there to get something off the printer, but not much. It was becoming more and more obvious that I'm not on his radar at this point. After that class it was time for me to slip into the other room and stand post as Graphic Design Lab Assistant. I do this every Tuesday and Thursday from 5-8. He usually comes in while he waits for his 6pm class. He hadn't. I decided to run over to the main building and get something to eat. I was walking up to my food vendor of choice and saw that he was there. I didn't say anything. I didn't look at him. I just walked past him and looked at what sandwiches they had. He bought his food and I heard, "Hey, Kelly. How are you?" Now, he could easily have just walked off and not said anything. For all he knew, I hadn't even noticed him. He didn't. He stuck around to say hi. We talked for a minute and as I turned my attention to the lady that wanted my money, he stepped away. I thought he was gone, but he had only stepped around the corner and as I started heading back to our building, he did, too. We walked back to class together and talked. If only he'd have carried my books. Oh wait, I didn't have any books.

So, yes, I do wish I could just pass him a note and get my definitive answer, but I can't. Life isn't that easy anymore. Life is all angsty and complicated now. My friend says she's going to help me out on that front as much as she can, but that at this moment she's not picking up on anything either way. There's only one thing that can sum up the way this is going. WTF?

Batten down the hatches!

According to Wikipedia (love), the DEFense readiness CONdition (DEFCON) is a measure of the activation and readiness level of the United States Armed Forces. During peacetime, we here in the ol' U.S. of A. are at DEFCON 5 and the number decreases with the severity of the situation. To put a little perspective on it, during the September 11 attacks we only made it to DEFCON 2. There is no record of the U.S. ever reaching DEFCON 1.

Ladies and gentlemen, Operation Shrink A Bootie is at DEFCON 1. We are at war. Rally the troops and batten down the hatches cuz we're comin' in hot! The target? Fat. Rally point? My ass. Mission? Destroy the enemy and leave no evidence of its existence. Modern day civilian translation? Make fat my bitch!

It has become apparent that all previous methods of defense were inadequate. All ground we may have gained with those tactics has officially been lost. Luckily, the enemy has not defeated us. We will prevail!

In other words, my meeting last night proved as tragic as expected. I'm weighing in at 366. I know, I know. Dressed, after eating all day, water retention, holiday, yada yada yada. Regardless, I've pretty much gained everything back...again. What is my plan of attack? I'm going to treat my weight loss with the same tenacity as I do my education. I am a 4.0 student and refuse to accept less than that. I put my all into my grades and making sure that I excel in this program. I'm going above and beyond the call of duty on most assignments and paying ridiculous attention to detail. I'm focused. I'm determined. I'm driven.

Monday nights I have my new Weight Watchers meeting. Tuesday and Thursday (for this upcoming term anyway) I'll have class from 8am to 9pm (roughly) and who knows when I'll be pimping videos. I'm going to schedule my exercise just like I would my classes and consider attendance points vital to my grade. Journaling and meal planning are my homework. If I want to keep my 4.0 then I not only have to do the homework, but get the answers right. I may not pass every test, but it's the overall effort and understanding of the material that determines my grade. It's the extra credit, the participation, and the willingness to learn from my mistakes.

This is the most important class of my life. I cannot fail this one. This class affects the rest of my life and the success I have in it. I WILL be on the Dean's List! Hoorah!

Changing life's aperture setting

Last spring I took a digital photography class at school. I've always had a secret crush on photography, but never had a sassy enough camera to take a serious class. I never had a grasp on terms like shutter speed and aperture, but I thought we'd be best of friends if only we could become properly acquainted with one another. This class was amazing and so is my Nikon D60. I quickly discovered that when I found myself with camera in hand, nothing else mattered but capturing the perfect shot. Unemployment wasn't a concern. Weight wasn't a concern. Life wasn't a concern. My concern, in that brief shining moment, was quite simply...photography.

Among the many things I learned in that class, aperture was one of the most important. Aperture is the setting that controls the amount of light allowed in by adjusting the size of the hole it passes through. By adjusting this setting you can help control the depth of field. More plainly put, you can control which part of your photo is clear and which part is unclear. You can bring out of focus the less important aspects of your composition. If the elements right in front of you are what you feel the focus should be and the things in the distance are of lesser consequence, then you can adjust accordingly. There are other factors involved in achieving depth of field such as lighting and distance (and possibly alcohol), but aperture is as amazing as I'd always dreamed it would be (my professor would be so proud).

I've had far to wide a depth of field as of late. I was trying to focus on everything and lost site of what was important. I've been depressed and barely able to get out of bed in the morning. If not for the intense pressure of school, I'm not sure I ever would have. I created the illusion of happiness most of the time, at least for the people close to me, and it eventually got to be too much. Just when I was on the verge of breaking, there was a family dispute that pushed me soundly off the edge. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't control it. I couldn't snap out of it. I had a complete breakdown. I, quite frankly, was scared I wouldn't make it out safely. One day my mom even walked in during a right proper meltdown. I was sobbing uncontrollably and she just hugged me (we're not much of a hugging family what with being Dutch and all...er, the Dutch are habitually unaffectionate). I said things I shouldn't have. Not hateful, just things I know scared her. I said things I've never verbalized. I said things that I needed someone to know for fear I'd explode.

I'm better now. Though I was without it for a few weeks, I've managed to get more unemployment money thanks to the extensions signed by George W. (bout time you did something smart). I should have money coming in for quite a little while if all goes as they tell me it should. I'm still a video pimp on the weekends and I still hate it, but it's slightly less agonizing for the time being. This term is almost up at school and I'll have 3 weeks to recoup before the next battle begins. I'm still on the prowl for a job, but still hoping to find something that will work with my school schedule.

So now is the time to adjust my aperture setting. To find out what's most important to me and make that my focus. I think I need to focus on what's right in front of me and take things one day at a time. As of right now, my weight and my education are most important. I may not be able to be a fanatic about losing weight with the time constraints of school, but I certainly need to make the two mesh come January. Everything else will fall into place. So, what's your aperture setting? What are you focused on?

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

The question becomes...how much further until I hit rock bottom? Cuz seriously? I can't take much more. Before delving into the goings on of the last month (or is it two now?) I should first apologize for my leave of absence. I do realize how rude it is to reel you in and then leave you dangling on the hook. So, uh, sorry...heartfelt even. I'm ashamed.

After my last entry my scale truly developed a Sybil like personality(ies). Could it be resolved with a new battery? Perhaps. Have I had time to get one? No. The combination of scale psychosis and starting school has left my diet ventures stale. I have not been to the gym since the Enell made it's first venture out in public. I have not counted points in, hell, I don't even remember. The only thing I have going for me is that I'm maintaining...or at least I think I am what with the scale and all.

It's at this point that I feel I should explain why school is kicking my relatively ginormous posterior. I am in the Graphic Design program at a local Community College here in the good ol' state of Oregon. One would see "Community College" and think "Psshhh, it's a Community College, how hard can it be?" Well, I assure you, they don't F around here. Graphic Design is highly competitive in Portland and you have to be good, nay, brilliant to succeed at it. Getting a C average won't get you a job in this market. My school requires you to get a B or better to continue on in the program. The program is highly structured and most classes are to be taken according to a very strict timeline. If I were to get under a B in, say, my Intro to Typography class, I would have to wait an entire year to be able to take it again and continue on. But wait, there's more. The grading scale is 5 points higher which means to get an A I have to get 95% or higher and a B is 85% to 94%. We got our midterms back yesterday. I missed one and got 97%. My new friend that I have all three of my design classes with missed 2 and that dropped her to a 93%. She got a B. The pressure (some placed upon myself by myself) is enormous. The projects are very time consuming (especially if your goal is perfection) and I'm not JUST taking the three Graphic Design classes required this term. I am also taking an art class and a business class. I'm 14 credits deep, again, and drowning.

On top of that, I got a McJob. My unemployment runs out in about 3 weeks and any and all interviews I had in the last month didn't get me anywhere. I sort of realized that a full time job in the capacity that I was once familiar was not going to be possible as this program in school progresses. Not all the classes are offered in the evening and I will have quite the job juggling conflict at that point. So, aforementioned friend from classes suggested I call her friend that works at a well known video rental establishment and the rest is history. I am now a movie pimp. I've gone from $19 an hour just 8 or 9 months ago to $9 an hour (minimum wage in Oregon at this time is $7.95 I believe). Oh, but I do get all the free movie rentals a girl can handle. Like I have time to watch movies. You can file THAT in the Comedy section. I've never worked retail and never had a job that involved me being on my feet the whole time. I've only been working for a week and though I don't yet have anything resembling love for it, I know it's a sacrifice I've had to make (among many) to be able to get my degree.

That being said, I'm depressed. I feel like I have lost everything. I'm no longer dating (it just kind of fizzled out once we both got busy), still living with my parents, barely paying my bills and not sure how I will after this month, and still over 300 pounds. I'm 32 and doing nothing but going backwards despite my valiant efforts. I have to find a way to turn this around. Rock bottom is no place for a fat girl. The climb back up is likely more than she can bear.