Truancy

noun:

a student who stays away from school without leave or explanation.

It's true. I've been playing hookey. Not from my "legit" classes, although I haven't been particularly enthused about them, I've not missed even one and am doing fairly well. It's the gym. When this term started I decided to try and treat the gym and weight loss and watching what I'm eating like a class because I put everything into my education. I thought I could put that same tunnel visioned focus towards the gym and kick some serious ass.

And that's what I did, at first. Now? Now I am experiencing some difficulty. I signed up to cook Monday through Thursday so that I could have more control over what we were eating. I got so tired of my dad turning up his nose at the simplest meals (even if he inevitably liked them) or hearing about how he's had to eat chicken twice a week that I've gone on strike. I haven't cooked in a couple weeks which has been affecting how calorie counting has been going.

Last week I only went to the gym on Tuesday and this week? Haven't been yet. Part of it is trying to go to my studio space a few times a week and this week it's because the last two days I've been hanging out with a boy. Lame. I've got this tool (the Bodybugg) to help me keep it all in check and I'm not even making the most of it the last couple weeks. I've been lucky to meet my burn a couple times a week let alone every day. It ends...here.

On the days that I go to my office I need to make sure I get up earlier so that I can leave early enough to still come home and cook dinner. I need to make sure I have the meals planned by Friday so that my mom can get the groceries over the weekend and I'm good to go for the week. I need to adjust which days I go to the gym so it doesn't affect that and start using the Wii more to offset not being able to get to the gym quite as often. I can juggle all of this. I have to...people do it all the time and I am not going to use living life as an excuse to fall back into my old patterns.

The sun is shining and I have a ton of homework to get done today, but I will put the top down, drive to the gym, and get in a weigh in and a workout. You'll be hearing from me again soon.

Beached

What's the tally, ho?

Weight = 358.1 (sorry, no pic. Left phone in car)

Down 3.1

Total 11.9

Managed a miracle considering I was at the beach all weekend.

Things have been a little crazy since I last posted. Wednesday got away from me after dealing with unemployment, doing homework, having my phone call with a Bodybugg coach, running to school to pick up some funds, and so on. Never made it to the gym.

Thursday was a designated day off so that I could run errands (like Whole Foods Market and Trader Joe's) and go check out the potential office space. I am in love with it and hoping a spot opens soon. They think I'll fit in well there and it sounds like it's all mine if I want it. Yes, please. It will be so awesome to run my business from a legit place and then be able to shut it all off and go home and relax (most of the time). New chapters, new life, new everything.

Friday I had class and then headed to the beach until Sunday. I had no internet save for what I could get with my Blackberry. It was so nice. I could sit on the couch at the beach house and see the ocean through the sliding glass doors. The weather was great and the door was open most of the time and I could listen to the waves crashing on the shore. I'm blessed to live in a place as beautiful as Oregon. We played a lot of games and watched movies. Consequently, I didn't get any homework done and yesterday was chaos as I tried to dial it all in before a midnight deadline. Whew!

I was pretty shocked at weigh in after all I ate over the weekend and the fact that I didn't count one calorie for three days. I decided not to worry about it while gone since I wouldn't be able to access all my info on the Bodybugg site with no internet. I was ok with it, but it made getting back into the swing of things a little more difficult. I really really have to watch what I eat and do this week because all these great weight losses are going to result in something not so pretty next week. I will have to drink tons of water and hope for the best. Scratch that, I will have to work my butt off (literally).

Oh, Bodybugg, how you spin me.

What's the tally, ho?

Down 2.8.

Sweet! Take that, Aunt Flo.

On another note, I thought I'd delve into what I've learned after one week of using the Bodybugg. The most important thing I've learned? I've been starving myself. Not so much during my months of hibernation that I partake in on occasion (read: most of the time), but more so during the times that I think I'm on track. Shall I explain? Good.

Our bodies burn a certain amount of calories just existing. We use a certain amount of energy just breathing, pumping blood, digesting, looking pretty, etc. It's a wonderful lil' thing known as BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate). The more you weigh, the more your body has to work to do these simple tasks so the more calories you burn just, well, existing. Most of us know this. We also know that if you start moving you're burning more calories. Simple. The more you move, the more calories you burn. Also simple. With me so far? Good.

If you've been trying to lose weight for any length of time or done much reading on it, you know that when you exercise consistently you start raising your metabolism. You start burning calories faster and more efficiently burning the fuel (food) that you put into your body. What I didn't realize, is just how quickly that change can take place. In my mind this was a long drawn out process over months and months of hard work. Well, look at these screenshots from my Bodybugg readings.

I started working out on Monday of last week so I had already started the boost before I got my Bodybugg. In these readings, though, I went to the gym the first three days and then again yesterday (the last reading). My workouts weren't exactly the same, but they were not that different from day to day. I did about 45 minutes of cardio each of those days and very light resistance on all but Wednesday I think it was. You can see that my burn for the day gradually increased despite the workout being the same because I was being consistent and it kept my calorie burn high. Then, on Friday, it was still high enough to meet my daily burn requirements even though I didn't workout; however, it decreased more every day I didn't workout.

Here's where starving comes in. Look at Thursday. I burned 4,430 calories that day. If you're on some crazy 1,200 calorie diet and burning 4,430 calories a day your body is going to think it's starving. Maybe not at first, at first you'll drop pounds like a mofo, but eventually your body is going to say, "WTF, yo? 1,200? Did you get picked for the cast of Survivor and not tell me? I can't even pump your blood for 1,200 let alone keep you breathing. I'm obv. gonna have to stockpile that shit because I PPH (pink puffy heart) you and don't want you to keel over." And so it begins. You stop losing weight and you whine (and perhaps even wine) and workout harder burning even more calories and eating less and still don't lose what you think you should. At this point you're lucky your hair isn't falling out because you're verging on anorexic and still...hardly losing. Then you eat a burger and fries and lose 5 pounds and don't understand it.

Eat. Eat carbs, eat fat, eat protein, eat fiber. Get your calories in SENSIBLY. Don't boycott something because your body needs all of it. If you workout harder you'll need more food. Whether a Pinto or a Porsche you still need fuel to run.

Note: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. I am also often wrong, but don't tell me so because this information, even if false, just might keep me on track for a while.

Wyatt, I am rolling.

I love the movie Tombstone. Mostly I love Doc Holliday. I think we have a common bond and thy name is sarcasm. We are also, apparently, rolling. In my case, however, it's because I am retaining more water than a caravan of camels. I feel like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man. I'm all bloaty and achey and blah. My feet and ankles feel all tight and my pants are tight(er). It's an eff'd up pill to swallow my first week back on the covered wagon. Will throw my weigh in off entirely. My first weigh in after starting the bodybugg campaign and I can't get an accurate assessment. Lame. Anyway, weigh in tomorrow instead of today because I got my bodybugg on Tuesday and that's when I can record the info on the website. Will face the music, guns blazing, because I, too...am your huckleberry.

Buggin

I've been wearing my Bodybugg for 24 hours now and so far I can tell you with the utmost confidence...this relationship is going places. I woke up this morning and it told me that I burned 1,000 calories while I slept. My first thought was, "Now that's exercise I can get behind." My second thought was, "How can I sleep more vigorously?" It's making all of this like a game for me. I have the digital display on the watch band so I can constantly see how many calories I'm burning and steps I'm taking without having to plug it into a computer. It brings out the competitor in me. It constantly reminds me to take more steps and move more just by being there. Tack on the fact that I refuse to see a calorie surplus when I track all of my information on the website and you've got a new kind of addict. And this is an addiction I can live with.

I've gone to the gym the last three days and the workouts are gradually getting better. The first day I was pretty blah. It had been a while. Yesterday my lower back hurt so bad by the time I walked IN the gym that after 10 minutes on the treadmill I had to stop and go to the recumbent bike. After 25 minutes there I went back to the treadmill and tried again...better. Today? I did the treadmill for 30 minutes, part of which was at a faster speed. I was pumping my arms. I had a lil fire in my step. I only did 15 minutes on the recumbent bike, but I was pedaling fast and at a higher level. Everyday is progress.

Here is what I learned about weighing 370 during the few weeks I visited: I did not enjoy it and I will not be returning. It's my body's breaking point. I've lived in the 340-360 range for a significant period of time and, though not a picnic, there is a drastic difference between that and 370. I feel like a Macy's Day Parade balloon just listing back and forth above all the little people below because I am SO BLOATED. I get heart burn/indigestion all the time probably because of the 10 extra pounds pushing against my stomach, esophagus, etc. My clothes think I've become some sort of Incredible Hulk type superheroess because I keep threatening to bust seams. If I had gained one more pound I might have put someone's eye out when I popped a button. Everything is harder. Everything takes longer. Everything sucks. I got on the scale at the gym again today (no pic because it's not my weekly weigh in day) and...I'm down about 4 (even with a couple pounds of bodybugg on me). Hopefully that number will still hold true post Easter.

I'm an addict

I've always known that I have an unhealthy relationship with food¹. I don't think, until now, that I've ever fully accepted that it's an addiction. I've often debated the food addiction vs. drug/alcohol addiction. It is my belief that food addiction is far harder to conquer than drug/alcohol addiction. I can't remove food from my life like I can cigs or vodka. I have to eat, I don't have to smoke or drink. If I was found passed out with powder on my face I would be judged less and probably applauded by some if it was from cocaine and not donuts. A fat girl bellied up to a pint of Ben & Jerry's disgusts more people than a cracked out tweaker slapping an arm for a vein. There are a lot of drug and alcohol addicts that function in life quite well without anyone knowing there is a problem. I cannot hide my problem. There are no eye drops that make me look thin. For me, even if I keep all the bad stuff out of the house, there are 25 dealers (some open 24 hours a day) within a mile of my house.

Here is how we are similar. When we are jonesing for our drug of choice we get anxious. If I start craving something I will start feeling tense and I will be consumed by it. We all know what we're doing to our bodies, health, and lives...we just don't care. At least not enough to stop the destructive behavior. Sometimes we get our fixes without even being aware of what we're doing. We sometimes frantically get our high, and then the second we are done, we are overcome with debilitating guilt...until we're not, then we do it again. We often try to quit cold-turkey, checking ourselves into rehab or joining a gym and writing blog entries about how different it is this time. We might even mean it. We try. We might even have a brief stint of success...until we don't. Most of the time, our family and friends don't understand why we can't just fix it. My sister often says "I know you can do it. You've done it before." She's referring to the few times that I've lost 40 or so pounds. I appreciate her faith, but what she fails to realize is, with every "relapse" it gets ten times harder. I lose a little piece of me every time I fail and I fail every day. She and I don't have the same relationship with food². If my sister struggles with her weight I believe it has more to do with time than a full-fledged addiction³.

What I know about me, for now, is that, like most addicts, I will never conquer this beast. I will fight it every day for the rest of my life. I will wake up every day and have to make a conscious effort to do the right thing. If an alcoholic with five years of sobriety can relapse after one beer, I can easily do the same thing. I need to start looking at food differently. I need to exercise every day. I need to accept that this is how it is and stop feeling like it's not fair. I need to be addicted to a healthy lifestyle. To help with this process I am going to introduce another addiction...lil electronic gadgets. I'm getting a Bodybugg. You know, the little armband things they wear on Biggest Loser that helps you keep track of whether or not you're burning more calories than you're eating? I've wanted one since Biggest Loser started. Now is the time. I'm getting hooked up next week. I was online until about 2am looking at the site and starting to set things up. Not quite sure what all is involved, but I think you know you'll be hearing about it.

¹ I like to state all things blindingly obvious.

² I know this because she often has ice cream in her freezer with ice crystals on it. This is unheard of in my world. It is also verging on grounds for being excommunicated from the family.

³ She reads this so she might just tell me to blow it out my ass.