A leap of faith

I wasn't expecting any spots to open up for another month or two within the office spaces I've been courting. As you know, yesterday I got an email telling me that something opened up and to please come look at it because she secretly hoped I would be smitten and choose that location. Smitten I was.

As a morbidly obese woman I am forever concerned with perception and judgements. I try not to let it paralyze me, but at some point during every day (unless I never leave the house) I have a moment of insecurity about my weight and what someone else might think. Throughout the phone calls and emails with the two people that run these creative coops I've been told how well they think I'll fit in, how much they hope I'll love it, and made to feel like I was fabulous (and not in a sales pitch sort of way). When I went to check out these office spaces I was nervous. Nervous that once they met me and saw the 360 pound girl making an entrance all would be lost. I would no longer be the cool designer chick they liked so much. I was more nervous to meet these people, whose world I so desperately wanted to be a part of, than I was to meet the boy taking me to lunch afterwards.

If you are my size you always expect to be the biggest person in the room, but you hope that everyone else in the room is accepting. Here, at this new location, I felt accepted (that's not to say I wasn't at their other location, but it was different). Sarah was late so I was waiting just inside for her. From the second she opened the door she had the biggest smile and was giddy to have me there. She gave me a tour and towards the end I pointed to the spot I wanted and gushed, "I want that spot." She got a huge smile, her shoulders hunched up and her head cowered down and she said, simply, "Yay." Everyone that I was introduced to seemed hugely excited to have me there. It felt like home. I wrote her a check. I can move in Saturday. And so it begins.

It's a right of passage for me. It's a leap of faith. It's believing that I can do anything I put my mind to and it's taking the necessary steps to live the life I've always wanted. My weight has kept me from doing things like this in the past. I've been content to live a life steeped in the belief that I wasn't good enough. That I would fail and it would be somehow ok because, at my size, it's just expected. Well, I am not defined by my weight. I don't fit the stereotype that people lump me into. I am destined for great things because I will bust my ass to get them and always remember the girl that thought she never could.

So, I challenge you to take your own leap of faith. To find something you thought you could never do and prove yourself wrong. Start changing your life one day at a time.

Best. Workout. Ever.

I had a bit of a pep in my step at the gym today. I checked in and ran up the stairs to the cardio level. I went into the women's only section like a woman on a mission. On tap? Resistance training. I went through a few machines, mixing arms and legs, and worked in a little bit of free weights as well. I stood on the BOSU ball and got my balance. I started doing squats. Then, I would stop, mid squat, and hold it. And hold it. And hold it. Legs trembling. Then back up for more of the same.

Then I went to the treadmill and tried to beat my 23 minute mile. Yes, that's right...it usually takes me about 23 minutes to walk one mile. I can't ever walk too fast because my shin splints will kick in. I was pumping my arms and walking with intention. Listening to The Script and puttin' right along. Today? I did my mile in 21:10. Shin splints were screaming by about 18, but I pushed through it. Then I had to stand there for a bit to let them relax before I could step off and go to a bike. I finished the workout with some time on the recumbent bike. I left there sweaty and empowered.

Monday (and into Tuesday) I was all up in some woes me. Pathetic really. I've been doing really well. I can't really say I've been perfect, particularly where drinking water is concerned, but pretty spot on all in all. I have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to repent for or apologize for. I've been working out 3 or 4 times a week and yet I felt like I wasn't doing enough. Still felt like a failure. What's THAT about? Anyway, I decided last night that I needed to just STFU and move forward. And so I did.

Tomorrow I am going to check out the other location of the creative coop that I checked out a couple weeks ago. This one is in a super cool building that has art panels as a sort of shutter. There's a cool restaurant on the 4th floor, too. The coop is on the 3rd floor so, that means stairs. I like the neighborhood better that the other location is in, but this building is pretty cool. I'll see tomorrow. They have a few spots opening up on May 1st! If the people are great and the space is great I just might go for it. There is no telling when a spot is going to open at the other location.

I'm also going to a book bindery to see what they can do for me when it comes to a custom portfolio. After that, I may or may not have a date.

Beached

What's the tally, ho?

Weight = 358.1 (sorry, no pic. Left phone in car)

Down 3.1

Total 11.9

Managed a miracle considering I was at the beach all weekend.

Things have been a little crazy since I last posted. Wednesday got away from me after dealing with unemployment, doing homework, having my phone call with a Bodybugg coach, running to school to pick up some funds, and so on. Never made it to the gym.

Thursday was a designated day off so that I could run errands (like Whole Foods Market and Trader Joe's) and go check out the potential office space. I am in love with it and hoping a spot opens soon. They think I'll fit in well there and it sounds like it's all mine if I want it. Yes, please. It will be so awesome to run my business from a legit place and then be able to shut it all off and go home and relax (most of the time). New chapters, new life, new everything.

Friday I had class and then headed to the beach until Sunday. I had no internet save for what I could get with my Blackberry. It was so nice. I could sit on the couch at the beach house and see the ocean through the sliding glass doors. The weather was great and the door was open most of the time and I could listen to the waves crashing on the shore. I'm blessed to live in a place as beautiful as Oregon. We played a lot of games and watched movies. Consequently, I didn't get any homework done and yesterday was chaos as I tried to dial it all in before a midnight deadline. Whew!

I was pretty shocked at weigh in after all I ate over the weekend and the fact that I didn't count one calorie for three days. I decided not to worry about it while gone since I wouldn't be able to access all my info on the Bodybugg site with no internet. I was ok with it, but it made getting back into the swing of things a little more difficult. I really really have to watch what I eat and do this week because all these great weight losses are going to result in something not so pretty next week. I will have to drink tons of water and hope for the best. Scratch that, I will have to work my butt off (literally).

It's not delivery OR DiGiorno

I had a pretty decent workout at the gym today, but not very long. I had a lot to do and needed to make it quick. I snagged a McDonald's Southwest Salad with Grilled Chicken on the way home. Love this salad.

I got adventurous in the kitchen again and made pizza for dinner tonight. I make calzones for Mom and Dad quite often, but I just use some sort of instant pizza dough like Pillsbury or something. Today I made the dough from scratch. I also made the sauce from scratch. I put turkey pepperoni, canadian bacon, mushrooms, olives and some cheese (a little bit of sharp and some reduced fat four cheese italian blend). That crust was super tasty. I'm not going to say it was the most healthy dinner, but it was better than what I would have gotten somewhere else. I'm going to try a whole wheat crust one of these times.

I have a crazy week ahead. I have to get a LOT (and by a lot I mean a shit load) of homework dialed in before I go to the beach for the weekend, hit the gym on Tuesday and Wednesday, have some phone coaching thing with a Bodybugg coach on Wednesday, coffee with a friend Thursday to do homework together and then...

On Thursday I am meeting with someone that runs a creative services coop. Meaning, 10 people share the space and run their own businesses out of it. We each have a "pod" (aka cubicle of sorts) and do our own things, but we share the basics. The huge layout table, the conference room, the kitchen, the copier, etc.

We'd also share opinions, feedback, some laughs and some coffee. It's having my own business while still getting to socialize with like minded individuals. Bliss. I am still going to be looking for a full time job so I get some of that real world experience, but Pixel Dust will have a home. There are two locations in Portland and they have a space opening at the location pictured above. I'd have 24/7 access to the building so even if I got a "job" I could do my own thing on evenings and weekends. Ideally, though, business will be booming soon enough and I can focus all my attention on making my design studio a success. Giddy. Graduation is looming and big things are on the horizon.