Barely there post by yours truly

What's the tally, ho?

Weight = 356.2

Down 4.6

Total 13.8

We're back on track. Slightly behind a short term goal I set, but we'll make up for it.

Over and out!

Pomp and Circumstance

What's the tally, ho?

Up 2.7

Total 9.2

Boooooooo

In other news...I got an email from my school that informed me that I would, in fact, be graduating with honors. That I would be allowed to wear the chords around my neck signifying my super smart status at the commencement ceremony. One must have a GPA of 3.75 or higher to attain such fashionable duds. One problem...I'm not partaking in the graduation ceremonies (much to my mother's dismay).

When you grow up my size you don't look forward to landmark events the way normal girls do. I had no desire to go to prom, the homecoming dance was more agony than fun, I never spent hours upon hours dreaming of a future wedding and I sure as hell never wanted to dawn a giant robe in front of thousands and parade across a stage. I did it in high school for my parents. I don't think they knew how much I didn't want to do it and how hard it was for me. As much as it seems to mean to my mom that I do it, at almost 34 years old, I've decided once is enough...honor chords or not.

It's not a matter of letting my weight hold me back from doing something I really want to. I'd much rather just have a party and move forward. There is no part of me that wants to do this...skinny or not. Sorry, mom, but it's just not going to happen.

I worked on moving into my studio over the weekend and worked there for a few hours yesterday before I had to do other things. It will be awkward at first I'm sure. I didn't head there until around 11 and everyone was working away. I didn't want to interrupt anyone to introduce myself and was only there for about three hours so the only two people I met were the girls in my immediate area. They will be moving out in a couple weeks. I didn't go today, but tomorrow I will make a point to meet someone new.

As for the weight gain. I know, lame. I really need to keep my sodium intake in check and there's a couple things seriously lacking from my diet...fruits and veggies. Must overhaul.

Beached

What's the tally, ho?

Weight = 358.1 (sorry, no pic. Left phone in car)

Down 3.1

Total 11.9

Managed a miracle considering I was at the beach all weekend.

Things have been a little crazy since I last posted. Wednesday got away from me after dealing with unemployment, doing homework, having my phone call with a Bodybugg coach, running to school to pick up some funds, and so on. Never made it to the gym.

Thursday was a designated day off so that I could run errands (like Whole Foods Market and Trader Joe's) and go check out the potential office space. I am in love with it and hoping a spot opens soon. They think I'll fit in well there and it sounds like it's all mine if I want it. Yes, please. It will be so awesome to run my business from a legit place and then be able to shut it all off and go home and relax (most of the time). New chapters, new life, new everything.

Friday I had class and then headed to the beach until Sunday. I had no internet save for what I could get with my Blackberry. It was so nice. I could sit on the couch at the beach house and see the ocean through the sliding glass doors. The weather was great and the door was open most of the time and I could listen to the waves crashing on the shore. I'm blessed to live in a place as beautiful as Oregon. We played a lot of games and watched movies. Consequently, I didn't get any homework done and yesterday was chaos as I tried to dial it all in before a midnight deadline. Whew!

I was pretty shocked at weigh in after all I ate over the weekend and the fact that I didn't count one calorie for three days. I decided not to worry about it while gone since I wouldn't be able to access all my info on the Bodybugg site with no internet. I was ok with it, but it made getting back into the swing of things a little more difficult. I really really have to watch what I eat and do this week because all these great weight losses are going to result in something not so pretty next week. I will have to drink tons of water and hope for the best. Scratch that, I will have to work my butt off (literally).

Spice route gone wrong

What's the tally, ho?

Down 6.0

Total 8.8

Am fierce

On the way home from the gym I picked up some birthday pressies for my mama. I got her some things to plant in the veggie garden and a super pretty Columbine. I brought a bunch into the house and my Dad's childhood friend, Wes, was here visiting. I said Hi and went to get the rest of the goodies. As I came back into the living room Wes said it looked like I had lost weight. He said he waited until I walked back out and asked Dad before saying anything just in case I hadn't. Dad told him I'd been working on it so he was in the clear to comment. Thanks, Wes!

Wes is very sick. He's on Oxygen and is rockin' a tracheotomy. He uses a walker and when he got up to go use the bathroom he got so dizzy that we had to try and get him back in the chair before he ended up on the floor. This is my Dad's best friend. They grew up in Florida together and came to Oregon together. It pains my dad to see him this way. As he was working his way out the door to head home he stopped and told me to keep it up...that I'm looking good. Who knew 8.8 pounds was so noticeable. It must be the navy blue shirt and black pants. Slimming.

After Wes left Dad was going on and on about how sick Wes is and that he doesn't figure he has another year to live. I said, "I'm going to say something and you can get as pissy as you want, but...I would appreciate it if you would do something to prolong you being in Wes' shoes for as long as possible because that's where we all predict you'll end up before long." He said he wouldn't end up like Wes, he'd just drop dead. Alrighty then. Good talk, Dad. Good talk.

And so it goes...

Lil Hummus, pita, pudding, and tea for lunch and Peanut Butter Cookie LARABAR for snack. Then came time to start cooking dinner. On tap? I decided to try a lil something from the Indian Spice Route.

It involved fancy things like turmeric, ginger, coriander, cardamom, and the like. I believe it's the most exotic I've ever been.

Well, me and exotic are no longer friends. Chicken Curry was a complete failure. This...

was dinner. Why, yes, that IS country potato bread, but it's a hell of a lot better than the Burger King that Mom and Dad are bellied up to right now. SFD (Translation = ShitFuckDamn, the swear word trifecta)!!

All in all, though, I'll still chalk to today up as a win. Although, I've gotten absolutely no homework done because curry disasters take hours. Might not be blogging it out tomorrow, but I'll definitely let you know how the walk through on the office space goes.

Oh, Bodybugg, how you spin me.

What's the tally, ho?

Down 2.8.

Sweet! Take that, Aunt Flo.

On another note, I thought I'd delve into what I've learned after one week of using the Bodybugg. The most important thing I've learned? I've been starving myself. Not so much during my months of hibernation that I partake in on occasion (read: most of the time), but more so during the times that I think I'm on track. Shall I explain? Good.

Our bodies burn a certain amount of calories just existing. We use a certain amount of energy just breathing, pumping blood, digesting, looking pretty, etc. It's a wonderful lil' thing known as BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate). The more you weigh, the more your body has to work to do these simple tasks so the more calories you burn just, well, existing. Most of us know this. We also know that if you start moving you're burning more calories. Simple. The more you move, the more calories you burn. Also simple. With me so far? Good.

If you've been trying to lose weight for any length of time or done much reading on it, you know that when you exercise consistently you start raising your metabolism. You start burning calories faster and more efficiently burning the fuel (food) that you put into your body. What I didn't realize, is just how quickly that change can take place. In my mind this was a long drawn out process over months and months of hard work. Well, look at these screenshots from my Bodybugg readings.

I started working out on Monday of last week so I had already started the boost before I got my Bodybugg. In these readings, though, I went to the gym the first three days and then again yesterday (the last reading). My workouts weren't exactly the same, but they were not that different from day to day. I did about 45 minutes of cardio each of those days and very light resistance on all but Wednesday I think it was. You can see that my burn for the day gradually increased despite the workout being the same because I was being consistent and it kept my calorie burn high. Then, on Friday, it was still high enough to meet my daily burn requirements even though I didn't workout; however, it decreased more every day I didn't workout.

Here's where starving comes in. Look at Thursday. I burned 4,430 calories that day. If you're on some crazy 1,200 calorie diet and burning 4,430 calories a day your body is going to think it's starving. Maybe not at first, at first you'll drop pounds like a mofo, but eventually your body is going to say, "WTF, yo? 1,200? Did you get picked for the cast of Survivor and not tell me? I can't even pump your blood for 1,200 let alone keep you breathing. I'm obv. gonna have to stockpile that shit because I PPH (pink puffy heart) you and don't want you to keel over." And so it begins. You stop losing weight and you whine (and perhaps even wine) and workout harder burning even more calories and eating less and still don't lose what you think you should. At this point you're lucky your hair isn't falling out because you're verging on anorexic and still...hardly losing. Then you eat a burger and fries and lose 5 pounds and don't understand it.

Eat. Eat carbs, eat fat, eat protein, eat fiber. Get your calories in SENSIBLY. Don't boycott something because your body needs all of it. If you workout harder you'll need more food. Whether a Pinto or a Porsche you still need fuel to run.

Note: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. I am also often wrong, but don't tell me so because this information, even if false, just might keep me on track for a while.

It's official

I am the fattest I've ever been. Only by a couple pounds, but I am, nonetheless. I didn't even need a scale to tell me so. I knew it. I FELT it. I have never felt this bad before...physically. Mentally I'm ok, actually, because I'm in the right frame of mind for it. If I would have seen that number a few weeks ago my response would be different. Right now? My response is...don't get comfortable 370's, you won't be here tomorrow.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The Good:
This morning I walked into the gym and the boy behind the counter that is usually there on weekdays gave me a head nod and said, "It's ok." I said, "It's ok?" He said, "Yeah, you're good." What does this conversation mean? He didn't need to scan my membership card. He recognized me. Still not sure why this is good? It means I've been there so much in the last two weeks that I'm "one of them." I'm...a regular. I smiled, put my card back in my wallet and made my way to the women's workout area.

The Bad:
I jinxed myself yesterday with my jibber jabber about how smoothly my workouts have been going. Firstly, I woke up with a little bit of a headache and no desire to go. I wanted to weigh in so I got up and slowly made my way there. Two minutes into the treadmill and shin splints were in affect. Some people debate whether or not what I have going on are shin splints because it isn't actually my shins, it's the outer part of my lower leg living somewhere between my shins and calves. It's both legs. It burns like the fires of hell and if I push it too far I can't even tell if I'm lifting my feet properly because the muscles are so tight. Sometimes if I stop until they relax then I can get back to it and go for quite a while. Sometimes not. I made it eight minutes and moved to the recumbent bike. I set it for 22 minutes to try to get in at least 30 minutes of cardio. I quit at 10. It took me longer to drive there then to actually workout. Lame.

The Ugly:
After my sorry excuse for a workout, I got on the scale. Tally, ho? Up 3.5. 359.6. I wanted to kick puppies. I wanted to throw dumb bells kittens. I walked out and drove home. Here is the only thing that kept me from crying; TOM is in a day or two (in theory). I feel a little bloaty and various other treats Aunt flo brings when she visits. To all the fellaz readin' this and rolling their eyes at another period reference...bite me. Until your playground floods and kids start playing kickball with your naughty bits, you can't really pass judgement. So, I'm hoping that explains it, because I don't feel I screwed up enough to warrant a gain like that. I busted ass this week!

Tally, Ho.

I was at Insertnamehere's house this morning (more on that later). I was dressed for the gym. I didn't want to go to the gym. But, I had to go because I needed the scale. Today is weigh in day. This guy suggested that I start with 10 minutes, see how I feel, and if it wasn't good, I could stop. We had an accord. I went in with an open mind. I planned to get on the scale before and after my workout to see what the difference was (ended up being a pound worth of difference). I did the treadmill for 10 minutes. I did the recumbent bike for 20 minutes. I did the elliptical for 10 minutes. Mama's legs were weak. I carefully made my way back to the scale. And what's the tally, Ho? I lost 4.5 pounds. 356.1. Down 9.9 pounds. Word.

Insertnamehere and I finally talked yesterday. First on the phone, then at his house. A lot was said, mostly by me. I broke out some good stuff. Like a grown up even. Things fresh out of some movie, I'm sure, like, "I'm not trying to save you. I'm trying to be your friend and help you save yourself." When the conversation seemed to be winding down he said he wanted to ask me something. I was nervous. I thought he was going to ask for his key back. He said, "Can we just go hold hands and watch Shrek now?" I smiled, told him that he sucked, and he agreed. Backstory: about a month ago when we were talking on the phone he told me that he and his 2.5 year old daughter were holding hands and watching Shrek. I told him that sounded awesome and I wanted to. He said we would, but hadn't yet. Now we have. Before we actually started watching the movie I hugged him and whispered, "Can we just go back to how it was before, Papi?" He said he would like that. Then I asked him to please talk to me when he started freaking out again so that we didn't end up here again. He agreed. We shall see. Boys are still stupid.

On another note, I find it slightly creepy that just a few days ago I had two posts that referenced Dirty Dancing and Patrick Swayze and today he lost his battle to cancer. This happens to me a lot. Just sayin'.

User Not Detected

Obese people have an odd relationship with invisibility. Many of us feel like we're never seen because or our size and others feel like we're living under a microscope because everywhere we go we are judged. I am a combination of the two. In public I mostly feel like everyone is watching. In my more personal life I often feel invisible and overlooked.

Today I rejoined Bally Total Fitness (the proof is in the membership card). While there I even worked out. Not for very long, but I did it. I was warming up on the treadmill and in the ten minutes that I was on there it stopped about five times showing "User Not Detected" on the screen. Say what? How can you not detect me? If anything, the screen should have said "Hey, only one person at a time, for the love of God." Great, even gym equipment doesn't see me.

Before I left I noticed a new scale in the women's area (where I typically workout). I know the one in the locker room doesn't go high enough, but thought I'd step on this lil gem just for shits and giggles. You never can have too many scales reject you in my opinion (insert eye rolling here). I stepped on it and waited a few seconds for it to flash "Err" or something equally craptastic. Well, it was craptastic, but it was a weight. 360.6, fuck.

So, remember that one time, at band camp (or was it YouTube), when I said I was going to be at 299 by the time school started back up? Ooooh, good times. Think I can lose 60 pounds in a couple weeks? Me, too!

Don't worry Blogville!

I'm light as a feather. A 357 pound feather anyhow. Fear not, I've been plugging along. Trying desperately to mingle school and weight loss. I pack oodles of food every Tuesday and Thursday to make it through a 13 hour day. The problem is, I have to pack things that will withstand that length of time out of the fridge and that doesn't need microwaving. I'm eating entirely too much dairy. I'm just saying.

It is no easy task. I feel like Horton lately (you know, hears a who?). Like I'm carrying around this very fragile microscopic community disguised as a dust spec on a clover and its success as a whole rests soundly in my trunk, er, hands. Every once in a while a PMSing Kangaroo rears its ugly head and tries to sabotage everything. I lose the clover in a patch of millions of other identical clovers and frantically claw my way through them trying to bring back order and safety to what I've fought so hard to protect. I ward off giant carniverous birds (and possibly happy bunnies carrying cookies).

Last week I only lost .8 and this week I felt like I was in for a far worse fate. I thought for sure I was in for a gain. I climbed on the scale and thought "I have to think light. I'm light as a feather. I am light as a feather." .4 down. Heavy feather.

I got a Wii today. Probably a purchase I shouldn't have made, but I did. Financial aid money well spent. My gym membership is up in a few weeks (not like I've used it since this summer, but anyway...) and I'm not going to renew it. I don't want to have to come up with the money every month while unemployed and I hated driving that far to workout. I'd been wanting a Wii for just shy of ever and decided that my exercise for right now would involve the Wii and walking. I got a Wii fit, too. I don't get to use it until I weigh 329. Why? Because the weight limit is 330 and so it's a reward for getting to 329. It sits perched next to my tv, mocking me. Yet another device meant to help me lose weight that I can't actually use until I lose weight. It's a cruel cruel world.