Be the author of your life story.

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. It was probably the best birthday I've had...which is weird considering I didn't do anything. I watched some TV, talked to a few friends, got some flowers from my aunt, had pizza with Mom and Dad followed by some super ridiculous dessert. I don't think I even left the house. Perfect. I had an amazing couple days with my sister last weekend going to a movie, out to dinner, out to breakfast, to a Portland Timbers soccer game...still, nothing profoundly epic, right? So what is different? What is so great about this birthday?

My attitude.

Those of you that have been following me for quite some time know how the last few years have been for me. Unemployed Student was my defining title for a couple of them and last year that downgraded to just plain Unemployed once I graduated. I would spend most of my days looking on the internet for job opportunities, jumping through any necessary hoops to apply, tweaking my resume to suit each job. More often than not I made myself look like I was dropping design like a bad habit and professing my unwavering desire to answer someone's phones for the rest of my life. I teetered on the edge of depression and sometimes fell head first into it. I found joy in nothing (especially blogging). I didn't want to be around anyone. And if I was forced to be around anyone I found it physically exhausting pretending like everything was ok with me and that I was still attempting to find the bright side to every situation.

My lowest lows were usually right before I was about to run out of unemployment money and when I wasn't sure what extensions I had left. As soon as I would find out I had another few weeks of grace I would breathe a sigh of relief and start all over again. I still didn't want to hang out with friends, though. I didn't want to explain what I was and wasn't doing. I didn't have it in me to listen to the great things they were doing...inevitably feeling worse about myself if I did. I didn't feel like I was particularly interesting to be around, so I continued to stay to myself. It's better to drown alone then to take everyone down with you as you scratch and claw your way back out, right?

Eventually, I stopped worrying so much. Eventually, I remembered that everything just has a way of working out for me. It always has. I have been quite lucky that way. I might worry and stress at the time, but my life is one example after another of how everything that happens is proven to be for the best. That everything has a way of working itself out and I come out stronger in the end. So what if I lost my job in February of 2008? I had grown to hate that job and losing it was a weight lifted off my shoulders and a chance to throw myself into school. So what if all the resumes I sent out resulted in zero phone calls? I have spent the last year dipping my talented hands into so many pots that I can now say that I'm a Freelance Graphic Designer, that I'm a writer, that I'm an artist, that I'm self-employed, that I'm a creative dynamo living the dream. Eventually, I surrounded myself with love and gratitude for everything. I stopped letting everyone else's baggage become my own, stopped walking on eggshells, stopped internalizing, stopped letting everyone else shine brighter than myself. Eventually, my weight stopped defining me, stopped holding me back, stopped mattering so. damn. much.

I find joy in everything now. I wake up happy. I think of something I want to do and I do it, or at least put into action whatever necessary to achieve it. I have sent away for my passport, finally, and I'm going to go to Ireland next Spring. I've lost almost 15 pounds in the last couple months. I visualize what I want and it happens. I said I would win the lottery, I won $4.00 (I need to learn to be more specific). I've always wanted to go to sporting events more often and now Portland has an MLS (soccer) team I couldn't be more excited about. So, I got my sister and I tickets to a few games and got us on the waiting list for season tickets for next year. A couple weeks ago I wanted a new tattoo, I went and got it the next day. It's big and on my forearm. It's to remind me to do something every day to better my life. It's working.

All these years of talking about bettering my life, of not taking the backseat approach. All this time wasted waiting to lose weight before doing anything. I'll get my haircut when I lose 20 pounds. I'll buy new clothes when I lose 50 pounds. I'll start traveling when I lose 100 pounds. No more. Maybe I won't get on a plane until I've lost more weight, but no one says I can't drive down to San Francisco or up to Canada. I've lived a life written by everyone but me. A life dictated by fear. I am the author of my life story and I'm choosing to make it an adventure. What will you write?

I R A College Graduate

and I expected to be more excited than this. I predicted the overwhelming realization that my life is chalk full of unknowns to set it, but it's not even that. It's not the fact that I don't have a job lined up or freelance projects coming in. It's not that school is done and I will hardly see the people that have become such great friends over the last two years. Mostly? I'm just flat out disappointed.

I've established that I'm not going through the graduation ceremony. It's just not my thing. For a designer, the only thing that matters is my portfolio. The fact that I was on the President's List every single term of my college career and had highest honors doesn't matter. The diploma and the degree don't even matter. In my line of work it comes down to one thing and one thing only. My book. How good am I (my sparkling personality just makes me a shoe in)? So, graduation ceremonies and such pomp and circumstance are inconsequential to me.

Today's portfolio open house was the complete opposite of that; this WAS my graduation ceremony. Today's open house was for industry people and teachers to see what we've accomplished and how we've grown, but mostly it was for everyone's family and friends to come see not only our work, but the work of the people that have helped us get through two monumentally tough years. In military speak, I have been hunkered down in the trenches with these people and they pulled me through. They pushed me to be better and do better always. They inspired me to create awesome every day. At the very least, my family could have seen if I actually DO have talent in comparison to the 30 other students in the room. Regardless of any of that, it was a day to show up, be a participant in my life, and support me. It was a day to pretend to give a shit, even if you don't.

I gave two MONTH'S notice so that people could maybe take a longer lunch or get a couple hours off and just do a quick walk through and meet a few friends and instructors that are important to me. I have given reminders and inquired as to whether or not they were going...I even did a shout out on Facebook. So how many people showed up to support me today? Zero. Nada. Zilch. Goose Egg. Not even my retired father could be bothered to pry the remote from his sweaty palm and show up. So, I met everyone else's family, friends, and significant others and fielded the questions about my absent family. Twas awesome indeed, but that's not even the most disappointing part. That honor is reserved for that simple fact that I KNEW no one would show.

It's at this point that I would like to tell you how it went and things that were said about my book and my work by everyone ELSE'S family, but alas...I feel myself slipping into a design induced coma. Later, perhaps.

A leap of faith

I wasn't expecting any spots to open up for another month or two within the office spaces I've been courting. As you know, yesterday I got an email telling me that something opened up and to please come look at it because she secretly hoped I would be smitten and choose that location. Smitten I was.

As a morbidly obese woman I am forever concerned with perception and judgements. I try not to let it paralyze me, but at some point during every day (unless I never leave the house) I have a moment of insecurity about my weight and what someone else might think. Throughout the phone calls and emails with the two people that run these creative coops I've been told how well they think I'll fit in, how much they hope I'll love it, and made to feel like I was fabulous (and not in a sales pitch sort of way). When I went to check out these office spaces I was nervous. Nervous that once they met me and saw the 360 pound girl making an entrance all would be lost. I would no longer be the cool designer chick they liked so much. I was more nervous to meet these people, whose world I so desperately wanted to be a part of, than I was to meet the boy taking me to lunch afterwards.

If you are my size you always expect to be the biggest person in the room, but you hope that everyone else in the room is accepting. Here, at this new location, I felt accepted (that's not to say I wasn't at their other location, but it was different). Sarah was late so I was waiting just inside for her. From the second she opened the door she had the biggest smile and was giddy to have me there. She gave me a tour and towards the end I pointed to the spot I wanted and gushed, "I want that spot." She got a huge smile, her shoulders hunched up and her head cowered down and she said, simply, "Yay." Everyone that I was introduced to seemed hugely excited to have me there. It felt like home. I wrote her a check. I can move in Saturday. And so it begins.

It's a right of passage for me. It's a leap of faith. It's believing that I can do anything I put my mind to and it's taking the necessary steps to live the life I've always wanted. My weight has kept me from doing things like this in the past. I've been content to live a life steeped in the belief that I wasn't good enough. That I would fail and it would be somehow ok because, at my size, it's just expected. Well, I am not defined by my weight. I don't fit the stereotype that people lump me into. I am destined for great things because I will bust my ass to get them and always remember the girl that thought she never could.

So, I challenge you to take your own leap of faith. To find something you thought you could never do and prove yourself wrong. Start changing your life one day at a time.

Best. Workout. Ever.

I had a bit of a pep in my step at the gym today. I checked in and ran up the stairs to the cardio level. I went into the women's only section like a woman on a mission. On tap? Resistance training. I went through a few machines, mixing arms and legs, and worked in a little bit of free weights as well. I stood on the BOSU ball and got my balance. I started doing squats. Then, I would stop, mid squat, and hold it. And hold it. And hold it. Legs trembling. Then back up for more of the same.

Then I went to the treadmill and tried to beat my 23 minute mile. Yes, that's right...it usually takes me about 23 minutes to walk one mile. I can't ever walk too fast because my shin splints will kick in. I was pumping my arms and walking with intention. Listening to The Script and puttin' right along. Today? I did my mile in 21:10. Shin splints were screaming by about 18, but I pushed through it. Then I had to stand there for a bit to let them relax before I could step off and go to a bike. I finished the workout with some time on the recumbent bike. I left there sweaty and empowered.

Monday (and into Tuesday) I was all up in some woes me. Pathetic really. I've been doing really well. I can't really say I've been perfect, particularly where drinking water is concerned, but pretty spot on all in all. I have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to repent for or apologize for. I've been working out 3 or 4 times a week and yet I felt like I wasn't doing enough. Still felt like a failure. What's THAT about? Anyway, I decided last night that I needed to just STFU and move forward. And so I did.

Tomorrow I am going to check out the other location of the creative coop that I checked out a couple weeks ago. This one is in a super cool building that has art panels as a sort of shutter. There's a cool restaurant on the 4th floor, too. The coop is on the 3rd floor so, that means stairs. I like the neighborhood better that the other location is in, but this building is pretty cool. I'll see tomorrow. They have a few spots opening up on May 1st! If the people are great and the space is great I just might go for it. There is no telling when a spot is going to open at the other location.

I'm also going to a book bindery to see what they can do for me when it comes to a custom portfolio. After that, I may or may not have a date.

Beached

What's the tally, ho?

Weight = 358.1 (sorry, no pic. Left phone in car)

Down 3.1

Total 11.9

Managed a miracle considering I was at the beach all weekend.

Things have been a little crazy since I last posted. Wednesday got away from me after dealing with unemployment, doing homework, having my phone call with a Bodybugg coach, running to school to pick up some funds, and so on. Never made it to the gym.

Thursday was a designated day off so that I could run errands (like Whole Foods Market and Trader Joe's) and go check out the potential office space. I am in love with it and hoping a spot opens soon. They think I'll fit in well there and it sounds like it's all mine if I want it. Yes, please. It will be so awesome to run my business from a legit place and then be able to shut it all off and go home and relax (most of the time). New chapters, new life, new everything.

Friday I had class and then headed to the beach until Sunday. I had no internet save for what I could get with my Blackberry. It was so nice. I could sit on the couch at the beach house and see the ocean through the sliding glass doors. The weather was great and the door was open most of the time and I could listen to the waves crashing on the shore. I'm blessed to live in a place as beautiful as Oregon. We played a lot of games and watched movies. Consequently, I didn't get any homework done and yesterday was chaos as I tried to dial it all in before a midnight deadline. Whew!

I was pretty shocked at weigh in after all I ate over the weekend and the fact that I didn't count one calorie for three days. I decided not to worry about it while gone since I wouldn't be able to access all my info on the Bodybugg site with no internet. I was ok with it, but it made getting back into the swing of things a little more difficult. I really really have to watch what I eat and do this week because all these great weight losses are going to result in something not so pretty next week. I will have to drink tons of water and hope for the best. Scratch that, I will have to work my butt off (literally).

It's not delivery OR DiGiorno

I had a pretty decent workout at the gym today, but not very long. I had a lot to do and needed to make it quick. I snagged a McDonald's Southwest Salad with Grilled Chicken on the way home. Love this salad.

I got adventurous in the kitchen again and made pizza for dinner tonight. I make calzones for Mom and Dad quite often, but I just use some sort of instant pizza dough like Pillsbury or something. Today I made the dough from scratch. I also made the sauce from scratch. I put turkey pepperoni, canadian bacon, mushrooms, olives and some cheese (a little bit of sharp and some reduced fat four cheese italian blend). That crust was super tasty. I'm not going to say it was the most healthy dinner, but it was better than what I would have gotten somewhere else. I'm going to try a whole wheat crust one of these times.

I have a crazy week ahead. I have to get a LOT (and by a lot I mean a shit load) of homework dialed in before I go to the beach for the weekend, hit the gym on Tuesday and Wednesday, have some phone coaching thing with a Bodybugg coach on Wednesday, coffee with a friend Thursday to do homework together and then...

On Thursday I am meeting with someone that runs a creative services coop. Meaning, 10 people share the space and run their own businesses out of it. We each have a "pod" (aka cubicle of sorts) and do our own things, but we share the basics. The huge layout table, the conference room, the kitchen, the copier, etc.

We'd also share opinions, feedback, some laughs and some coffee. It's having my own business while still getting to socialize with like minded individuals. Bliss. I am still going to be looking for a full time job so I get some of that real world experience, but Pixel Dust will have a home. There are two locations in Portland and they have a space opening at the location pictured above. I'd have 24/7 access to the building so even if I got a "job" I could do my own thing on evenings and weekends. Ideally, though, business will be booming soon enough and I can focus all my attention on making my design studio a success. Giddy. Graduation is looming and big things are on the horizon.

Make it Sparkle.

After my twelve hour day on campus yesterday, and heading home at 9pm, I stopped at Whole Foods Market because I needed to get some Tahini to try my hand at homemade hummus. I love that place, have I mentioned that? I believe I have. I feel ever so slightly lighter on my feet just walking in there. It almost makes the higher prices worth it for this girl. It's the little things. I got all sorts of new goodies that I've been wanting to try, but haven't ever braved. This renewed sense of weight loss empowerment has me wanting to be more adventurous and try all sorts of new things. Know what that means? Reviews.

I contacted a couple companies for samples just for S&G's and so far I'm waiting for my delivery from the ever so kind Vitalicious crew. I'm an unemployed student for cryin' out loud. Trying all sorts of new things is a risky endeavor when you're reserving all of your money for your graphic design habit. Needless to say, I was super excited when they eagerly replied to my email. Love them already.

Where was I? Oh, yes, Whole Foods. As I was walking through looking for things I've wanted to try I was enamored by all the packaging. I know there are some artsy chicks that read my babble, but I don't know if anyone has an appreciation for the Graphic Arts. It is my crack. What was a minor crush pre design education has become a full on love affair (which is good since it consumes 99.9% of my time). Part of my habit includes packaging. When you are a design(erd) you see things in an entirely different way. For instance, you pass a billboard and say "Oh, look. Air Supply is going to be at the casino" (who knew). I pass the same billboard and say something like "Did they REALLY just use Papyrus?" or "For the love of God! You could drive a bus through the space between that A and that I. Kern that SOB!" Road trips for you involve games of Eye Spy and the Alphabet game. For me? It's one big mass opportunity for logo critiques. I am the queen of offtrackedness today, no?

I came upon Steaz Zero Calorie Sparkling Green Tea. I felt flushed. The packaging appealed to my inner minimalist. White and clean with a lovely patterned flower. I wanted it. I wanted it bad. One problem. I hate sparkling water. There, I said it. I do, however, love green tea. So, there I stood, at a crossroads.

You might be able to resist it, but I? Cannot. Lovely packaging coupled with promises of zero calorie goodness is more than this girl can handle. Sustainably sourced, fair trade organic green tea? Sweetened with the leaves from the stevia plant? What choice did I have?

I just took one out of the fridge and am ready for the steaz experience. I'm sure many of you have already partaken, but I have been locked in classrooms and out of the loop. This will happen often as you read my reviews. I'm behind the times. I popped the top on the little gem and Shut The Front Door. Steaz comes with a side of wisdom on every cap. Today, apparently, "I am energy" (or so the cap says). Giggle. I felt a little spunkier just having been told so.

I took a sip. Hmmm. Another sip. Definitely better than sparkling water. Sip. Not quite like green tea. Sip. It's pretty. Sip. I suppose I can drink this. In a nutshell. I'm not swooning over the contents near as much as I was the outer pretty. I think it will be a nice switch when I'm tired of drinking plain water. I think that those that are fans of sparkling water would love it. I also think that the more sips I take the better it is. It might just be one of those better at the bottom things meaning...some things just grow on you after a while.

One more thing...even though I got home late, I sat down at my usual spot (notice the balance ball that I use as a chair) to work on homework and once mom and dad went to bed I watched my DVR'd Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. So sad. Made me tear up. This show provides inspiration beyond what Biggest Loser ever manages to. He went to a mortuary and you saw ginormous caskets built for the obese. You heard about how they have to explain to the families that their loved one won't fit in a regular casket, that the large caskets won't fit in their hearse and that they will have to buy two burial plots at the graveyard. And just when you think that doesn't apply to you because you're one for cremation you find out that's not so much the case. You see, when morbidly obese people are cremated they go up like roman candles because of all the fat in their bodies and there isn't really anything left in the way of ashes. It was profound. It was creepy. It was an awakening. I heart you Jamie Oliver. Truly, madly and maybe even deeply.

It's hard to lose weight when...

your ass is planted firmly in front of a computer all day. And if not in front of a computer then at least at a table working on an illustration. I'm currently working on an illustration for a class that is going to take a minimum of 25 hours. How do I know this? Because I've already spent five hours and don't even have a quarter of it done. See...


This is a technique called stipple (tons of dots clustered together) and this illustration is due on Monday. I have always loved stipple, but the pressure is on right now. Aside from choosing the toughest technique to use on it (we were also allowed to use crosshatch and/or line), I have chosen an intense photo by a local photographer and promised him that I would give him a copy of the illustration when I'm done. It is mass critical that I don't screw this up. With that much left to go and those kind of time contraints, that affords me a lot of opportunity to screw the pooch (so to speak). There is a pint of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer if the pressure gets to be too much. Hee.

And now for a shameless plug. I have been working on establishing an identity for my freelance business (the one I hope to live off of when school is done) and I even have a blog for it now (as well as facebook, twitter and its very own website). If any of you weight loss hotties have a secret crush on art and design perhaps you'd like to follow that one as well. Now you can stalk me in multiple places.

Pixel Dust

Pixel Dust Blog

What I do when I do what I do

Thank you to those of you that welcomed me back to the fold with no judgement. Ah hell, thanks to those that welcomed me back WITH judgement. I'll take what I can get.

Since I have no witty weight loss wisdom to spew I thought I'd show you what it is I've been working on today for school. We have a series project in one of my classes. It can be three posters, three ads, three gift cards, a mixture of things. I opted to do a wedding package (invite, rsvp, save the date, etc). I'm not sure just how many pieces mine is going to have...what with me being an over achiever and all, but it only HAS to have three. This is one of the versions of the invite. I have two of my classmates getting married just for shits and giggles.


I've also been working on a group project. I hate group projects. They are designed to see just how long it takes an over achiever to stab a slacker. I am the over achiever and I almost punched the slacker in the neck. He went AWOL for days and hasn't been meeting his deadlines. The whole stupid thing is due on Monday. It's really stressing me out. I some how became the leader of the pack which means most of the pressure is on me to get everyone to give me their stuff. Lesson learned. Let some other ass hat take the lead. Hate. Passionately.

Soooo, that's all I have. Boring, I know...but my life is consumed by fonts, eyeflow, symmetry, hierarchy, and other graphic design related nonsense. OK. OK. I love it desperately, but I'm really ready to be done with the school portion and move on to the work phase of my passion.

Graphic Design made me its bitch...again.

I'm sorry. I suck. Last term was the end all be all of stressful terms. Now I have started Winter term and it should be tamer. I clearly don't love you (or me) the way I do Graphic Design. My clothes were fitting better by the end of the term, now they are not. I don't know what that means as far as numbers because I only weigh in at the gym. Oddly, I can't weigh in at the gym if I never go. Kinda like I can't win the lottery if I never buy a ticket. I'm lame; it's true.

I took the reins, deleted Insertnamehere from my phone after telling him I never wanted to talk to him again, and think of him rarely. Awesome. I was a dating machine over the Christmas break so I've got THAT going for me. I'm working on the website for my freelance business (which will, as suggested by my instructor, have a blog as well...I think we know how well THAT will go). I am going to start scheduling blog time on my damn calendar just so that I can stop being such a slacker. It seems to be the most effective way for me not to completely go AWOL for months at a time. And, blogging keeps me honest(ish) when it comes to the diet. Imagine that.

So, to recap...I'm still in school and I'm still fat. I may or may not still be fierce, but we'll delve into that later. I hope you're all well and don't hate me. And let's not talk about that whole lose 100 pounds by 2010 thing, m'kay? m'kay.

Schoolhouse Rock!

I loved Schoolhouse Rock when I was little. Hell, I love it now. Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here, Conjunction Junction, I'm Just A Bill, Interjections! Those were the good ol' days. Well, I'm grown now and I have a few new Interjections! Shit, fuck, and damn! These are Interjections! Well, not and, and is a conjunction, uh, junction. That's it's function.

I haven't been to the gym since Monday (and we all know how that went). Can't blame it on the playground because it's still status quo (though the signs are still present that flooding is eminent). It's school and lack of sleep. It's me getting used to my new schedule. It's me being a tool. In my defense, though, this is the list of things I have to do this weekend for school:

Figure out which horror movie I'm going to depict in a full page ad and draw 40 thumbnail sketches of said ad. Also, find 3 current movie ads in magazines.

Read Chapters 1-3 of From Design Into Print and prepare for quiz that will be on Tuesday

Read pages 1-32 of Making and Breaking the Grid and figure out which badly designed magazine I want to redesign and which well designed magazine I want to model it after.

Design an invoice and a timesheet that I will use for the African Film Festival non-profit project we've been assigned and do 30 thumbnails for said poster. Also, watch at least one movie from the African Film Festival collection and write a reaction to it as well as other various research.

Develop an 11 x 17 vision board of things that I find inspiring as it pertains to my own identity/brand/career and do 20 business card ideas for myself.

Good times, kids. School is most definitely back in session. For those that thought the first week of school couldn't possibly be that big of a deal? It's a very big deal. Let me get acclimated again and then we can talk about Gym.

I'll take Fat Girl Ailments for $800, Alex.

Alex: shin splints, plantar fasciitis, lower back pain, bad knees, lack of energy, and sometimes, TOM.

Me: What are reasons fat girls give to get out of a workout? I'll take Fat Girl Ailments for $1000, Alex.

Alex: diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and infertility to name a few.

Me: What are reasons a fat girl should give a damn?

I have somehow found my groove at the gym this go round. All of the things that ail me and cause me to quit have not been bothering me TOO much. I can really only attribute this to less time on the treadmill. To getting my cardio minutes in on 3 different machines instead of just one. World o' difference. It's just so hard on a good day to be there doing the things I need to do, but when everything I do is riddled with some sort of pain it's only natural that I'm going to eventually get tired of it and quit. I've gone to the gym 5 days a week for two weeks now. Today was a day off, but tomorrow I will be there bright and early for my workout and my weigh in.

Girl's night was ok. I ended up having one drink so I didn't pick up the ice cream I was planning to take over to Insertnamehere's. He and I did surprisingly well considering he had just met with his soon to be ex wife and was super cranky when he called. I like that I can provide some sort of calming effect. I like that he smiles when he sees me even after a crappy day. I like that when we hang out all of the outside crap seems less important, even if only for a few hours. We both need that right now.

Tomorrow school starts back up. Eff me. There are three things that I have to somehow manage to keep as priorities along with school. My weight loss (natch), the freelance graphic design business I've started with a classmate, and Insertnamehere. How in the hell I'm going to swing it all is not entirely clear, but I've been trying to devise plans. My classmate and I are going to meet on campus before classes a few times a week to stay on track with the business. Insertnamehere and I are going to get through the next couple of insane weeks and then sit down and figure out at least one day that we know we're going to see each other every week and plan for it. If other days can happen, all the better, but at least we'll have one day a week that is dedicated to this friendship. What I eat on Tuesdays and Thursdays might be a crap shoot, but my classes shouldn't get in the way of the other days. I am planning to try to hit the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at least and do Wii fitness games on the other days. That will be subject to change as I see what my schedule brings. Pray for me!

The Death of a Perfectionist

As explained by the Graphic Design grading standards of my school, when you get a B you are producing exceptional work. You are showing tremendous creativity and your application of design principles are above and beyond the call of duty. You are...phenomenal.

When you get an A? The clouds part and angels sing. A great light shines down upon your project and the world seems to be a better place. Instructors weep and your classmates feel inadequate. When you get an A you are destined for greatness. You are...a design God.

I was one such design God...until yesterday. I got online for about the 50th time to see if my last grade had been posted. So far I had three more A's to put in my pocket and was waiting for just one more. The one, mind you, that I was most worried about. The one from an instructor that is scattered, disorganized, and harsh. We got along fine on a personal level, but I knew during the first class that this could be my downfall. She was never involved in the critiques so the only feedback you got was from your classmates. She rarely answered questions regarding what she thought of something when you had the chance to pull her aside. When you turned in your project you were going in blind. There was no real prior feedback to hold your hand while you waited for your grade. I made my way through the many levels required to get to the page that would show my grades. There, tainting all my pretty little, streamlined A's was a letter foreign to me. My grade? Was a B.

B? I'm not a B kind of girl if you're new to this blog. I'm a 4.0 with no room for exceptions kind of girl. I'm a perfectionist. A perfectionist verging on O.C.D. when it comes to school. I pay attention to details that others don't think about. I tweek and perfect and then tweek again until perfect is no longer an adequate descriptor. I don't miss class. I'm not late. I am the girl that others come to for an opinion on their work. I was proud of my A's and held my head high in those classes. Now, when I see this particular instructor I will be looking at the floor and avoiding eye contact. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I might attack. I might take a T-square to her knees Tanya Harding style and do things with an Xacto knife that would make prisonyard stabbings look like foreplay. I got a B!

What's worse? I wouldn't even give myself anything better when it comes to weightloss 101. I weigh less than when the term started and only gained once throughout it all, but I should have done better. I could have done better. I have excuses galore, but it doesn't matter. I should have done better. I have only lost 15.2 pounds in the last two and a half months. I'm capable of more. Maybe I am not the perfectionist that I thought I was. Maybe I am a B student.

Circa 2014

She slices her apple much the way she has since she was allowed to hold a knife; cutting it first in half and then coring it. The difference now being the craving of something as simple as an apple instead of a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream. As she reaches to get a plate she notices the colors of her stained glass window dancing on the front of the cupboard door as the sun peeks through the trees. Sitting at the small table in her kitchen she drinks a glass of water and enjoys every bite of her post-workout apple. Her body is conflicted; weak from lifting weights, but energized from the cardio. With too much to do before she leaves town for yet another trip abroad, she bounds up the stairs to get to work.

Her studio is bright and full of color. Formerly her attic, it now houses large layout tables, computers, printers, a copier, and art supplies the likes of which she'd only dreamed of as a kid. She has a personal assistant 3 days a week to help her keep everything in order, but today she was on her own. With two deadlines looming, she needed to make this a very productive day. Being a freelance Graphic Designer and a writer takes up a lot of her time, but she finds that she works well under pressure and loves the variety of creative outlets that both undertakings afford her. She turns on some music and sits down at the computer that faces a window. She's got a great view of the lake from here and she's hoping it brings inspiration.

Her mind is clear. Her workouts often do that for her. She's happier than she's ever been and living a life she'd never had the courage to even dream of before. She's doing the work she loves, traveling, living comfortably, and she's no longer defined by the word "obese." She's strong. She's confident. She's fierce.

She's me...circa 2014.

I promised an update on my 5 year plan. This was my way of updating you. In five years I will have been to at least 3 different countries, I will have learned at least one language, I will have lost at least 200 pounds. In five years I will have written a book, even if it hasn't been published. In five years I will live in a place of my own again. Whether it's rented or purchased, I don't know, but I will live in a home not an apartment. In five years I will be making a living as a Graphic Designer and, if the God's are with me, a writer. I will be strong. I will be confident. I will be fierce...in five years.

7 Pounds

Will Smith has more talent than any one man with a wee little wife should. I was a fan even before he packed up and moved to the hood of Bel-Air. Considering he is the only actor in history to have eight consecutive films gross over $100 million in the domestic box office, I'm confident that his parents have finally found a way to understand. You can add 7 Pounds to his list of accomplishments, if you ask me. This movie is...powerful. Maybe it's not for everyone (and I will not call you out on being a heartless bastard if that's the case, to each their own), and I'm not saying it's the best movie of all time, but it is thought provoking and, oh yeah, powerful. Like the trailers, I can't tell you what it's about. Mom asked me and the only way she got intel was with a disclaimer entailing, "If I tell you, it will ruin the movie." Part of the draw is the fact that you're left sitting there to figure out what he's up to. To take the pieces of information you're givin and come to your own conclusion (which I did, early on, cuz I'm, well, brill). Just go see it.

Speaking of seven, I've been "tagged" to expound on 10 interesting things about myself and then pass the priv to seven others. Let the expounding commence...

1. I've established through other posts (and a tattoo, much to my parent's dismay) that I am Dutch. The pride in this comes from the struggles of my grandparents and the close relationship I had with them growing up. My grandparent's knew each other all their lives. They lived across the street from each other. When the Nazi's roamed the streets of Holland looking for men to work in their labor camps, my grandfather hid behind the ovens of a bakery. That bakery belonged to my grandmother's family. They saved him from having to go to a labor camp; they likely saved his life. Fast forward to 1948. At 24 years old, my grandparents arrived at Ellis Island. Young, pregnant with my mom, scared, and hopeful, they crossed the country and found themselves in Oregon. They taught themselves English, became citizens, owned a dairy farm, raised an excellent family, and lived great lives.

2. I'm an undercover artist. I dabble in all kinds of media. The problem is, I lack confidence. No matter how good others tell me I am, I can take any piece of my art and show you everything that's wrong with it. I am my own worst critic and because of that, I hardly draw anymore. When I was a senior in high school I was a finalist for a full ride scholarship to an art school in Seattle. They paid for me to come up, spend the weekend, interview, and show my portfolio. I didn't get it. I whole heartedly believe that my extreme shyness and lack of confidence was my undoing. Story of my life. Fifteen years later, I'm finally working on getting my Graphic Design degree, even if it is at a Community College and not an art school.

3. I'm writing a novel. A bit of a romantic comedy it seems. The protagonist (main character for those not hip to the terms) is a woman that has lost a lot of weight and finds that she still battles a lot of the same insecurities as she finally starts living her life for the first time. Ideally, I'd like to be able to legitimately call myself a writer some day. To do that, I feel like I have to actually be published. To actually have someone say "Dude, you rock. I want to represent you and get your book published." I want to walk into a bookstore and find my book on the shelf (or not on the shelf because it's sold out...way better). Whether it be publishing the very writings on this blog or a novel I some day finish, the goal is to get published. Any suggestions on a pen name?

4. I'm left-handed. Not jaw dropping in the grand scheme of things, but you'd be surprised to learn (if you're a righty anyway) how it affects a person's life. It is most certainly a right-hander's world. From scissors, to notebooks, to the hobbit size desks found on most college campuses. Even my guitar is for a righty (yeah, I never did get very far on learning guitar). Almost every day a lefty comes across yet another reminder that they are a societal outcast. Woes us.

5. It is essential that I get to Holland and see where my grandparent's grew up, but oddly, Holland is only number two on my list of Top 5 countries to visit before I die. Ireland is number one. I am also Irish (less so than Dutch, but Irish nonetheless). When I was in high school I got myself an Irish Claddagh ring. I loved it. The significance of it and everything one could decipher about your relationship status based solely on how I wore it. I've wanted to go to Ireland ever since, but fat girls don't fly (this fat girl anyway) and haven't been on a plane since I was 14. Truth be told, my first trip out of the country really needs to be to a place where everyone speaks english. I'll already be a fish out of water and would like to at least be able to read signs pointing me in the direction of a bathroom. And considering my complete crush on boys with Irish accents, I may or may not find I've been struck illiterate and have to ask...often.

6. I've never been in love.

7. I have an allergic reaction to chronic negativity. It sucks the life right out of me. I have gotten rid of friends for this very reason. I'm related to the most negative person I know and that's more than I can handle on most days so I'm not about to invite it in by choice. I'm not talking about someone going through a bad patch. I'm talking about the kind of people that complain 90% of the time and are only happy if everyone around them is as miserable as they are. I have my own demons and I fight to maintain positivity every day. I don't need the people in my life bringing me down.

8. I hate folding clothes. Most of my laundry will live in a clothes basket for days upon days before I find that I've worn most of it and only have to put away a few socks and a couple shirts.

9. A few years ago I started a home business. It has evolved through the years and is basically graphic design based. I do greeting cards, wedding (and other) invitations, some web design, corporate identity (logos, stationery, business cards and such), design t-shirts, etc. Up until last term, I was self-taught in all areas. Talk about taking on too much at once! I finally decided to put it on hold and buckle down and get my degree so that I'll have more confidence to pimp my goods. I'll determine my specialties and stick to those. I'm hoping my speciality is web design and t-shirts (and writing).

10. I have a slight case of OCD when it comes to buying new things. If I'm buying a book, magazine, notebook, sketchpad, whatever, I take from the middle of the stack to get one that no one else has likely rifled through. If it has a bent corner, no matter how minor, I grab another one. It's not that I expect them to stay that way. I would just rather buy something pristine and trash it myself.

Holy hell that was hard! I am way to boring to come up with 10 interesting things. Hopefully reading it isn't as painful as writing it has been. And, tag, you're it! Sucker!

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

The question becomes...how much further until I hit rock bottom? Cuz seriously? I can't take much more. Before delving into the goings on of the last month (or is it two now?) I should first apologize for my leave of absence. I do realize how rude it is to reel you in and then leave you dangling on the hook. So, uh, sorry...heartfelt even. I'm ashamed.

After my last entry my scale truly developed a Sybil like personality(ies). Could it be resolved with a new battery? Perhaps. Have I had time to get one? No. The combination of scale psychosis and starting school has left my diet ventures stale. I have not been to the gym since the Enell made it's first venture out in public. I have not counted points in, hell, I don't even remember. The only thing I have going for me is that I'm maintaining...or at least I think I am what with the scale and all.

It's at this point that I feel I should explain why school is kicking my relatively ginormous posterior. I am in the Graphic Design program at a local Community College here in the good ol' state of Oregon. One would see "Community College" and think "Psshhh, it's a Community College, how hard can it be?" Well, I assure you, they don't F around here. Graphic Design is highly competitive in Portland and you have to be good, nay, brilliant to succeed at it. Getting a C average won't get you a job in this market. My school requires you to get a B or better to continue on in the program. The program is highly structured and most classes are to be taken according to a very strict timeline. If I were to get under a B in, say, my Intro to Typography class, I would have to wait an entire year to be able to take it again and continue on. But wait, there's more. The grading scale is 5 points higher which means to get an A I have to get 95% or higher and a B is 85% to 94%. We got our midterms back yesterday. I missed one and got 97%. My new friend that I have all three of my design classes with missed 2 and that dropped her to a 93%. She got a B. The pressure (some placed upon myself by myself) is enormous. The projects are very time consuming (especially if your goal is perfection) and I'm not JUST taking the three Graphic Design classes required this term. I am also taking an art class and a business class. I'm 14 credits deep, again, and drowning.

On top of that, I got a McJob. My unemployment runs out in about 3 weeks and any and all interviews I had in the last month didn't get me anywhere. I sort of realized that a full time job in the capacity that I was once familiar was not going to be possible as this program in school progresses. Not all the classes are offered in the evening and I will have quite the job juggling conflict at that point. So, aforementioned friend from classes suggested I call her friend that works at a well known video rental establishment and the rest is history. I am now a movie pimp. I've gone from $19 an hour just 8 or 9 months ago to $9 an hour (minimum wage in Oregon at this time is $7.95 I believe). Oh, but I do get all the free movie rentals a girl can handle. Like I have time to watch movies. You can file THAT in the Comedy section. I've never worked retail and never had a job that involved me being on my feet the whole time. I've only been working for a week and though I don't yet have anything resembling love for it, I know it's a sacrifice I've had to make (among many) to be able to get my degree.

That being said, I'm depressed. I feel like I have lost everything. I'm no longer dating (it just kind of fizzled out once we both got busy), still living with my parents, barely paying my bills and not sure how I will after this month, and still over 300 pounds. I'm 32 and doing nothing but going backwards despite my valiant efforts. I have to find a way to turn this around. Rock bottom is no place for a fat girl. The climb back up is likely more than she can bear.