Friday, November 30, 2007

A little less conversation, a little more action

I started this writing experience three years ago this month. I've had much to say and little to show in that time. In those three years I've had very few triumphs, but quite a long list of failures. I have proclaimed numerous attempts at recommitment only to quickly step into the proverbial confession booth to ask for forgiveness. I have lost and gained the same 15 or 20 pounds over and over rarely accomplishing much more than frustration and a desire to give up all together.

In those three years I have learned a lot about myself as well as what reasons there may be behind my weight and the ways that I choose to eat. I've developed far more good habits than bad and even though I may not be the perfectly healthy eater, I am far more successful on a daily basis then I ever was in the past.

In those three years I have acquired many weight related injuries and diagnosis: Shin Splints, Plantar fasciitis, PreDiabetes, and now...Diabetes. Yes, you read that right. My attempts at putting off the inevitable just weren't good enough. I pretty much resolved myself to the fact that I would get diabetes because I'm genetically predisposed to this little gem, but because I didn't try hard enough...soon enough...I brought about this diagnosis a good 20 years before I should have. I don't have a lot to say about my diagnosis just yet. It's a fresh wound. I meet with a dietician just after the new year and I'm sure I'll have a lot more untapped feelings to face at that time.

I have lost over 30 pounds, but am currently facing the struggle of living back at home. Thanks to my troglodyte of a roommate, I had to find new living arrangements. I figured giving my money to mom and dad instead of another landlord was a wiser monetary decision, but it may well prove to be the biggest challenge to date for my attempts at weight loss. There is food everywhere and most of it isn't healthy. Meals are usually lacking any sign of vegetation and, because they are pretty much cooked by the time I get home from work, I have little say in the choice of ingredients. I follow in the footsteps of my mother in our love for ice cream, but whereas I tried to keep it out of the house, she tries to keep it in the house. Almost every evening is ended with a small bowl of ice cream. I've purchased my own diet ice cream bars to have at that time, but more often than not, I just have what they have.

It's very difficult to find yourself back in the very environment where you learned all of your bad habits. It takes more willpower than I've been able to muster to stay out of the pantry, cupboard, and refrigerator I found such comfort in when I was young. And similar to when I was young, I find myself trying to hide half the bad stuff I'm eating. I'm finding myself eating what they eat because I feel overcome with a sense of unfairness. If they're eating it, why can't I? Why do I have to be the only one left bellied up to a bowl of shredded wheat while they eat biscuits and gravy for breakfast. I'm slowly reverting back to my 10 year old self.

If ever there were a time for my say:do ratio to even out, it's now. I have to stop talking about what I need to do or what I'm going to do and just flat out, no excuses, go for broke, do it!! I'm going to go to the gym whether I feel like it or not. I don't have to accomplish much of anything, I just need to go and get in the habit of being there. I need to make getting there part of my routine. If I'm only there for 10 minutes, so be it. At least I got through the door and that's far more than I can claim for the last couple months. The excuse of using moving as my exercise is long gone. No more excuses.

The undeniable truth is that I have a choice. I can say that I'll do it after the New Year and be 5 pounds heavier, or I can choose to take action now and be 5 or 10 pounds lighter. I can choose to be achy and stiff because it's easier to sit on the couch watching TV and reading a book or I can choose to feel better and more limber by reading the same book at the gym. I can choose to live a life that will have me on diabetes medication and testing my blood sugar twice a day for the rest of my life or I can choose to live a life that is medication free because I took action and can control my diabetes with diet and exercise. I can choose to focus on how my life would be if I were thin and consider all the things I haven't done or can't do because of my weight or I can choose to lose the weight and live the life I've only dreamed of. The CHOICE is mine. I choose to live.