Saturday, August 18, 2012


Last post I mentioned that I hadn't been focused on losing weight. That I was still 30 pounds down, but that I did most of that without fixating on the art of weight loss. That I seemed to do better just living life without obsessing over it. Well, I'm torn. There is a sense of urgency now. That lingering feeling that I need to lose X amount by X date. I got on the scale this morning and I was correct in that I had kept off the 30 pounds, but in truth, it was more of a "gained back ten and lost it again" situation. So, why the urgency?

I want to get back to Ireland mid to late October. I'm not quite sure it's possible, but I'm up for the challenge. I have started a fundraising campaign to take on an art project while I'm there. 100 Illustrations: Ireland. It basically involves me traveling the whole of Ireland for a few weeks and documenting it through illustrations, doodles, and journaling. While I did tell everyone not to let their weight hold them back from doing the things they want to do, I am aware of actual physical limitations. I cannot walk or hike or climb the way I would want to when I'm there. I won't be able to do all I want even if I lost 40 or 50 pounds before I go, but that would at least make some of it more feasible.

So, what do I do? Fixate again? Focus all of my efforts on weight loss and fundraising? Do I have it in me? I'm not even sure. I know that I need to. I know that I'm killing myself...which apparently hasn't been motivation enough. Is an epic journey and art project enough? I don't know. I'm just putting it out there...and trying to blog more than once a year.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Sweet. Baby. Jesus.

I'm a shit head...pure and simple. I'm surprised I still have 52 followers. One day I'm telling you that I'm  going to Belfast and then the next...I'm what? Dead? Married? Still wedged in a plane seat at PDX? How would you know...I never posted another entry!

Why? I have nothing to say as it relates to weight loss anymore. Nothing. I haven't succeeded so I can't really tell anyone else how to do it. I've kept off those previously blogged about 30 pounds, though...I guess. I am not even TRYING to lose weight right now so I can't even blog about how I'm failing. So, is that what I should blog about in a blog that was originally created to document my attempts at weight loss? The fact that there are no attempts? Maybe so...

I'm tired. I'm tired of every minute of every day being focused on what I am or am not doing right to lose weight. I am much happier just living my life and loving myself as I am. The fact of the matter is...I was doing much better when I just didn't focus on it. The weight I lost before Belfast was done damn near by accident. Yes, I wanted it off, but I certainly wasn't making any significant efforts. And I lost six pounds in Belfast eating pizza made by my Irishman and all the European chocolate and lattes he'd bring to my hotel room. Best. Diet. Ever.

I'm sure that if I continue to write there will be tons of entries about success and failure again because the fact that I do need to lose weight is not lost on me. I get it. Every day I get it. The way I sometimes feel these days is a bright shiny reminder. I'm just saying...I have to stop letting myself or my life be defined by my weight...and so do you.

For those of you that have been long time readers...remember all those trips I wanted to take and the fear that kept me from it? How scared I was of having to ask for a seatbelt extender or the discomfort I'd feel being squished next to someone else? A lot of you emailed me privately telling me how you feel the same way. Fucking stop it! You have to do it. If you are my size or less especially. I am so glad I finally did it. It has changed my life. I didn't even have to ask for the seatbelt extender. I planned my seats strategically and only once was someone sitting right next to me and that was on the short Belfast to London flight. I always opted for the window seat so that I could nestle myself into the ledge of the window as far from the poor sucker next to me. It was fine. It was great. It was the beginning of the rest of my life.

I leapt. I took a chance. I was brave. I went to meet the love of my life. We fell more in love. We are best friends. We still talk every day. I am hoping to go back in October. We are not in a's complicated (isn't it always), but we are so very in love. He has made me that cliche'd better person and loves me for who I am. I better his life and he betters mine and he gives me strength and courage to do all the things I've always wanted to do. Including my first gallery exhibition that is happening September 1st. I am an artist. Not just a girl that likes to draw once in a while. I've been painting and making some cool shit.

I'll write more about the trip later...I have to get back to painting. My message in this entry is clear...LIVE YOUR LIFE NOW, NOT JUST ONCE YOU LOSE THE WEIGHT. 

p.s. thanks for still following me...even if it was an accident ;)

Saturday, January 7, 2012

5 years not forgotten

Before I embark on this post, you have to first reminisce with an oldie, but goodie.

Where we're at. I am a freelance graphic designer and I work out of my home. It's still the house connected to mom and dad, but I am surviving and paying my bills by being self-employed. On January 17th I am getting on a plane and going to Belfast, Northern Ireland (with a layover in London so...doesn't that count as two?). I'm staying two weeks and spending as much time with someone that I've met as possible. I haven't lost 200 pounds (or the one twelve by oh twelve that I wanted to), but I have lost 30. I haven't learned another language, but I still have a couple years.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to believe you can do something. To imagine the things you want for your life and to set out to achieve them. You cannot reach goals without trying. You cannot make dreams a reality without taking action.

I'm keeping this one short and sweet. I know I don't post often. I've been a busy kid. Perhaps while I'm in Belfast I'll have juicy gossip to spread across the blogosphere. Happy New Year, everyone.