Friday, May 29, 2009

Waving my white flag

I surrender, or quit rather. The responses I got last night from Alex were as follows:

Alex: No I did not know that. That's funny though...people always like to gossip.

Me: Daniel has been telling me to ask you out all day. What's that about?

Alex: I didn't say anything to him...I don't know what to say.

Me: Interesting. I guess I get Daniel harassing me and you get Laura. They probably won't stop until we're making out in a back room somewhere knowing them.

As of 11:30 last night...that's where we left it. And, to be honest, that's where we're going to leave it. My Gemini ways have me already getting bored. If anything ever happens it will be because he grew a pair and repeaked my interest because right now he's dropping back down to "just friends" status.

Did I mention that I went to 24 hour fitness on Tuesday? No, of course I didn't. I'm only posting about the ways of stupid socially inept boys these days because that and school are all I've focused on lately. Well, I did. I got a 7 day pass and went to use it. All the sales people were gone for the night so she just gave me a day use pass and said to come back and we'd initiate the 7 day pass. Whatevs. I worked out and realized I don't like that gym. It's one of the Lance Armstrong Super Sport versions and it's the only one between school and home that's somewhat easy to get to. It was packed, it was way too stuffy in there, and it's more expensive to join a super sport than a sport. No thanks. It was nice to be back at it, though. To feel like I'm making an effort again. I've lost a little at the last few WW meetings, but will only be going until the middle of next month. Can't afford the $40 a month with the way unemployment is fucking me these days. I'm so broke I'm taking summer classes just to try and get more financial aid money so I can live. Oddly though, I'm still not stressed out. It's like the day I decided I wasn't going to let all these things get me down...they didn't. Is that because I'm stronger or more at ease with things being out of my control? I don't know. Maybe I'm just so used to bad things happening that I'm unable to give a shit anymore. Either way, not caring is nice right now.

I have about one more week of classes for this term and it's going to be a rough one. There are a lot of projects due that involve a lot of work. After that I have two weeks off before summer classes start. My plan for summer was to really focus (like last summer) on losing as much weight as I can. It would be nice to go back to school in the fall and have people do a double take. We'll see what me, good food choices, my wii, and walking out at my brother's can do for me because I likely won't be able to join a gym just yet. Wish me luck, I could use some.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I got rocks like Gibraltar

The Rock of Gibraltar is a mass of land made of limestone off of the southwestern tip of Europe. It is 1,396 feet high and borders Spain. My rocks? Are bigger. I got balls, yo. Not only have I invited Alex to a couple things now that have lead to the successful exchange of phone numbers, but today I texted him and said, "People seem consumed by the topic of Alex and Kelly did you know that? Lots of talk about being convinced that you like me and yet I'm oblivious to it. Do they have intel I don't?" I know. I don't believe it either. Here is where you're probably wondering what his response was. So are my friends, I assure you, and so am I. I haven't gotten one. I just sent it a couple hours ago while he was in class and I know for a fact that he's not as glued to his cell phone as I am. Lord only knows when I'll get a response.

You see, Daniel was pressuring me all day about the fact that I need to just ask Alex out. That Alex isn't going to do it because he has no game. Agreed, he does not; however, I am not bold enough to just ask him out. This was my very own version of getting to the bottom of things without making myself look like a complete ass and having everything crazy awkward for the next year. I've simply made an inquiry. I haven't confessed a rumored crush. I haven't asked him out only to be rejected. I've simply asked if what everyone ELSE thinks is Hee.

The boy is told to kiss me and then he still walks me to my car knowing full well that everyone is going to THINK he kissed me? I've told the boy he's adorable and he only talks to me more? We're having a critique in class and there are empty chairs everywhere. Who does he sit by? Me. These are just a few of the reasons Daniel swears that Alex likes me. Daniel says he knows men and this man likes me.

I feel like this is a win/win for me. Alex will either sac up and tell me that it's true and we'll get married, honeymoon in Holland and have little left handed, dutch, graphic design babies OR Alex will tell me that it's all absurd and complete bullshit and I will have proved Daniel wrong. Sweet victory, my friends, sweet victory. Regardless, if my socially inept friend ever checks his texts and responds, this is getting resolved ASAP. That's how I roll.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Why don't boys come with spec sheets?

Today started with an interview. An interview for a Graphic Design Internship with the marketing department of my school. I wowed them, naturally, and they told me that I would most definitely be successful in this line of work. Problem is, I am currently enrolled with some of the most talented people this school has seen. They even said so. That the caliber of work that we, as first year students, are producing is mind blowing. Roughly stated: competition abounds for this job. Whatevs.

The day progressed with me working up the nerve to say something to the boy regarding last weeks events. The nerve to put myself out there and suggest that Laura might not have been completely off base with her comments. My first and second attempts to be alone with him were thwarted as other people came up to me just as he was about to go by. Damn my burdensome popularity. Both times he stopped and talked, but no way was I going to say what I had to say in front of other people.

Well, about a half hour ago I got my opportunity. I sat at the table outside of lab knowing that he would come in before heading to his class next door. I was working on projects and he came up. We talked about school and I suddenly didn't want to do it. I REALLY didn't want to do it. I had what I wanted to say somewhat planned out, but wasn't sure if I'd be able to eloquently execute it. I had told a couple of the friends that I was going to say something to him and now, there was no turning back. All or nothin'. Go big or go home.

"Soooo, I just wanted to apologize for Laura last week (pause for his reaction and comment suggesting we were on the same page). I don't know what all got said, but I DO know about the napkin (insert his laughter and surprise that I knew). And ummm, it might have been my fault (laugh). Laura has some mission to find a guy for me, and, uh, I may or may not have told her that I thought you were adorable."

Fuck me, that was awkward.

He told me that it was ok, that he had a good time, etc., etc. He was about to head into class, but stopped and sat with me instead. He showed me what he was turning in today and we talked about school some more. Nothing about my comments was mentioned. No professions of his mutual assessment of my adorableness. No suggestions of coffee were made. It was as if I'd said nothing.

I don't know if he sat down because he wanted to be there or if he felt like he had to be. I don't know if the feeling is mutual or if he's just merely flattered and being polite. I don't know if what I said was all he needed to hear to have the confidence to proceed or if he's a completely daft prick and completely didn't understand the magnitude of what just happened. I do know...that I kind of feel like an ass, but do appreciate that he sat down with me regardless of the reasoning behind it.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Translator needed. Apply within.

Kelly: Rumor has it that dear sweet Laura was up to no good last night, bless her little heart. That she may have suggested something was up with me and Alex???

Daniel: hahahaha suggested?

Kelly: What the heck was said?

Daniel: lets put it this way: a napkin reading "kiss her" was kicking around.

Kelly: OMFG, Daniel!! WTF?

Daniel: Wasn't me. No one included me. I did sleuth things out though. As did quite a few of the others.

Kelly: I know you didn't WRITE it. I saw her give it to him and asked her what she just did. I just didn't realize that everyone read it.

Daniel: It was sitting out on the table. Did he do it?

Kelly: Poor kid. He finally starts socializing and he gets Laura all up in his shit. Just what did all your sleuthing deduce?

Daniel: That love was/is in the air.

Kelly: LOL crackhead.

Daniel: Deny it, foo.

Kelly: I don't know what you want me to say. I've thought Alex was adorable since day one of typo last term, but I didn't know him. hardly constitutes love being in the air.

Daniel: And now you know him, and he's into um...I don't know how I can make this anymore clear...go forth and kern closer together.

Kelly: Into me? Huh? I obviously missed a LOT on Thursday. Him being nice while Laura practically plans our wedding in front of everyone doesn't constitute him being into me.

Daniel: So, did you dudes make out in the porking lot?

Kelly: Hell no. He said he wanted to see my car cuz he found out I had a convertible. So, we walked to my car, talked, and I left.

Daniel: Aight I gotta bounce. I'll see you at eight.

There is only one aspect of this conversation that needs translating..."And now you know him, and he's into you." Is Daniel assuming? Does Daniel have secret intel that no one else does? Is he just egging me on? Jerk didn't answer me. Tomorrow should be fun. I have two classes with Daniel, one of which Alex is in as well. Good times.

Friday, May 15, 2009

It's blog it out.

Journaling, for me, has always been a way to clear my head and get said things I might never be able to verbalize to anyone else. For me, it's therapy that money can't buy. This blog is the only journal I work on these days. Here, though, I edit myself and use a filter 85% of the time; careful not to say too much or be too inappropriate. I carefully try to balance sharing my life with not sharing too much. Letting readers in without letting them get too close. Today I'm throwing out all filters and getting to the core of some things.

I don't know how to let people get close to me. I've been treated badly, very badly, in my past and now I have walls up that might have served China well a few centuries ago. I am more guarded than the Queen of England only without all the ceremonial b.s. getting in the way of the task at hand. This gets in the way of trying to establish relationships.

I'm fat. I know. I just found out myself. Though I'm far greater at presenting self-confidence than I used to be, I am often overwhelmed with feelings of self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-consciousness. This works against me on so many levels when it comes to men. On the rare occasion that someone does peak my interest, I presume that, at my size, I don't stand a chance despite my sparkling personality. This means I'm not going to make any bold moves to make my intentions known. On the flip side, if the same guy shows me any signs that he is interested, I don't have the first clue how to deal with it. I misread the signs as him just being nice. I convince myself that it can't be possible. I give him no chance to proceed because I make it seem like it's the last thing I could possibly want despite how much I might. This gets in the way of trying to establish relationships.

When I am with someone, I can't verbalize how I feel. Often times, I don't even know how I feel, but mostly, I feel like if I actually SAID how much I liked someone that they would take that as their opportunity to hurt me. That it would be ammo in a very fucked up gunfight where I never win. Conversely, if I never admit how much I might care, then I can't get hurt. If I don't say it, then I don't care. Kind of like my philosophy on illnesses. If the doctor hasn't told me I have X, then I must not have X...despite the fact that I just plain haven't been to the doctor. Oddly, guys don't like this. They need reaffirming and ego stroking. This gets in the way of trying to establish relationships.

Are we seeing a trend? Are we beginning to understand why I'm single and why last night was so awkward for me? It's like I'd almost rather he'd have made it clear that he's not interested. That he just would have said to Laura, "I'm flattered, but I don't think it's a good idea." That's a reaction I'm oddly capable of dealing with. Like I was hoping that WAS my phone number he was pushing back across the table. If he'd have done that, then I wouldn't have to figure out how to let someone get close to me. If he'd have done that, then this would all be over and I wouldn't have to continue wondering if there are bright neon signs that I am misconstruing as friendship. If he'd done that, I could concentrate on my homework instead of obsessing with everything I did wrong last night. Believe me, that list is getting long. I'm a hot mess, people, a hot mess.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


So, the frantic nature of this post might be because I'm just a flighty bitch sometimes, might be because I'm floored by the events of tonight, or it may or may not be because I'm still slightly intoxicated. Let's proceed shall we? Hang on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Tonight was the night that my classmates and I were to go out and have drinks after class. On a normal night, I am working in the lab until 8 and right next door they are in class until almost 9. Not tonight. Tonight they got out at 6:30. I still had to stay until 8. They were all at the bar well before I could even leave school. Lame. Not the point of this post.

Before I continue with the events of tonight it's time to give names. Laura is my bestest bud in the program. Andy is another close friend. Andy and Laura were (notice I said were) the only one's that knew about my crush on Alex. Yes, Dutchie has a real name. Daniel is another one of my friends and will be explained later.

I get to the bar and walk in to our "usual" spot, pass Alex, Andy and Daniel's end of the table without saying anything, and head straight to Laura's end. Me. Coy. Subtle. Etc. Whatever. I'm barely there long enough to get my coat off when Alex comes up to say hi and tries to score a high five. I, naturally, inquire as to how much he's had without me as he has never suggested that we should high five nor has he slurred quite so much. We, and Laura, talk for a bit and he goes back to where he was originally. Andy informs me that he has intel but must pee first to sober up a little before he can tell me. On pins and needles, Laura and I wait outside the men's room for the scoop. Apparently, when someone from the program that was there that I really don't know very well asked who "Kelly" was before I got there, Alex was quick to jump on describing me with things like, "You know, she just cut her hair. She had really long hair and she just cut it really short. She..." and proceeded with giving information about me. Andy takes that as a good sign.

The three of us go back to the table and Alex is now sitting across from where I was sitting. Laura and I sit down and the three of us were talking about all kinds of things. She's asking all kinds of questions about him and his life and his past and does he have a girlfriend and "No? You don't? Kelly? You're single aren't you?" Wow. Good thing I'd had a couple drinks. Then Laura leaves he and I there to fend for ourselves (somehow, not sure, this is when Daniel found out that Alex and I getting together was Laura's mission and deems this something he can make happen). Alex and I continue to talk and laugh and get to know each other and all is right with the world. We casually start mingling with the others and every time I go to another table to talk to someone else, within no time, Alex is standing next to me again. I go to another table, turn, and Alex is standing next to me. After a while I look over and he is talking to Laura. She nods in my direction in a "get that, yo." sorta way. He laughs and tells her to shut up. She says something else and he says, "Yeah?" and "Really?" which I took as "Not a terrible idea." The I look back and see her slipping him a napkin. I think it's my phone number. He looks at it laughs and lays it back on the table. WTF? He's not taking it. He's ignoring it. Wait. He's folding it. No, leaving it. No, wait, he's??? WTF? I text her and ask her what she just did. Apparently, she wrote "Kiss her!" OMG.

After a little while longer, she takes my keys because I was ready to go and she didn't want me to. I ask for them again and she gives them to Alex and tells him, in front of everyone, that he should walk me to my car. He takes them. I tell everyone I'm leaving and he gives me my keys. I walk out. Mortified. I'm barely out the door when I hear "Hey, let me see this ride." It's Alex. He found out tonight what I drive. I said, "It should be over here somewhere." and just kept walking (I SHOULD have stopped and let him walk with me). We got to my car and talk a little while as I got my bag out of my trunk. Talked a little more as I opened my car door. Then he told me to drive safe (I SHOULD have stayed out there and talked to him and not made it look like I couldn't get out of there fast enough).

Here's why I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I didn't know what all got said to him when I wasn't around. I didn't know if he came out there on his own or if he was peer pressured into following me out. I didn't want him to think I had a hand in the awkward comments made by my friend or that it was all part of my master plan. After talking to my friend on the phone later I now know that he came out there all on his own. That she was surprised he did. I know that I'm a fucking dumb ass and totally cock blocked MYSELF! Who does that, by the way? I know that things could be all kinds of awkward when I see them all again. I know that I'm tired, confused, mortified, and going to bed. OMG and WTF?

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Plans A through C

Plan A: Make the most of summer vacation to get over this stupid crush and lose tons of weight.

For the last few days I thought that I only had to get through the next 4 weeks with this crush and that over the summer break I would find a way to get completely over it. I'd find a distraction, a replacement, a reason to never think twice about it again. Well, apparently there are forces at work that are beyond me. As it stands right now, he and I have both signed up for the same summer class. So much for that plan, onto plan B.

Plan B: Rid myself of the crush quickly by finding something so annoying about him that I can hardly even hold a conversation with him.

Though in its early stages, this plan isn't going very well. I keep hoping I'll hear him saying something rude or inappropriate; nothing. He's both nice and polite so far. I keep hoping I'll notice that his clothes are dirty or that he smells funny; nope. Bad teeth; no they're perfect. The only thing I can even remotely find fault in is that his nails are about a week past needing to be cut, but they're clean so really? How much can I bitch?

Plan C: I believe my new favorite bad ass, Liam Neeson, put it best in Taken...what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

I'm going to wow him with my graphic design prowess, win him over with my sparkling personality, and just when I have him within my clutches, give him the ol' one two with my quick wit (I may or may not lean over his desk with a low cut shirt). He very likely has no current interest in me, but should Plan B backfire then I will spend the next year perfecting Plan C.

I chopped off all my hair yesterday. By chopped off I mean that my neck is bare. Dutchie cut his yesterday, too. See, we even think alike. I know this because today I was working in the Graphic Design computer lab with a couple friends when he came in. Neither of us mentioned our new dos...other people did it for us. Unfortunately, he looks even cuter. He's killin me. We talked quite a bit, but mostly project related things. One of my friends left and surprised us by bringing back ice cream sundaes for us all. He and I sat and ate ice cream together. Swoon.

So, I'm still hoping I'll find something unbearable about him that will help me cope because right now I'm so frickin' distracted that I can't focus on school the way I normally do. It's terrible. I've managed to save myself this agony for a very long time and don't especially dig this sort of thing. Should I need to put Plan C into effect...what are YOUR suggestions (besides losing a couple hundred pounds)?

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Check Yes or No

Remember in grade school when you (or your friends) liked someone and everything could be sorted out with one well written note? Maybe you've even received one in your day. Passed from the back of the room, shoulder over shoulder, until it finally reached you. You'd open it and see, "I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no." followed by the sloppily penned signature of your admirer. You'd check a box designating your chosen response and pass it back. If you chose yes, whether you ever spoke to him again or not, you were now his girlfriend. Done deal. End of story. When my brother was in grade school this is how he scored the affection of a particular girl. I'm not sure how long it lasted, but I do know that when they got a little older he must have crafted a much more devious plan to score her because he is now married to her.

I remind you of this dating ritual of our youth because right now I feel like I'm back in middle school. I feel distracted and giddy. I feel anxious and, well, stupid. Since high school (uh, that's a long time ago, people) the number of times I've had a thing for someone I've had to interact with on a daily basis is minimal and since I'm so socially inept I don't deal with them well. Think I'm kidding about being socially inept? Try this on for size. Last night I went to a bar I like that's close to my house. It's pretty low key and I knew that I could bring Mac and sit and work on some things for school. I was sitting there and the four seats to my right filled up with a group of friends. All of a sudden I heard the guy next to me say to his friend on the opposite end, "No, I'm not lonely down here. I've got a beautiful woman sitting to the left of me." Cue the crickets because I said nothing. Not thank you. Not "Sho you right." Nothing. I acted as if I didn't even hear him. Who's lame? I'm lame.

Which brings me to new boy from class. Hereforto known as Dutchie because a couple weeks ago he and I talked about the fact that his dad is Dutch. I know; so meant to be I can hardly stand it. Mondays and Wednesdays he and I have a class together. I got all dolled up and came to school. Comment after comment was made about my long straight hair and how cute I looked. I got through my first class and then it was time for my class with him. People were talking to me when he came in, but I saw him do a double take out of the corner of my eye as he entered. I sat at my desk (him sitting at the computer across the aisle to my right) and started working on my project while we waited for class to start. He got up and came over to me and said, "Hey, Kelly. How are you?" He could have done that from where he was sitting. I don't think for a split second that he likes me, but I like to read a lot into the fact that he got up and walked over to me instead of doing it 3 feet away from me. We talked for a minute and class started. I talked to him a little more later and at one point I sat between him and one of my guy friends so that I could talk to said friend. Dutchie participated in the conversation a little while he worked and I subtley put the pressure on him to join us for drinks next week.

Today I didn't see him until 2. I was secretly hoping that he would appear at my table again like he did Tuesday, but he didn't. I went to the Graphic Design work room that is between the two rooms we have classes in. I sat in there working and he showed up for his class. Initially nothing much got said. I said a few things to him when he'd come in there to get something off the printer, but not much. It was becoming more and more obvious that I'm not on his radar at this point. After that class it was time for me to slip into the other room and stand post as Graphic Design Lab Assistant. I do this every Tuesday and Thursday from 5-8. He usually comes in while he waits for his 6pm class. He hadn't. I decided to run over to the main building and get something to eat. I was walking up to my food vendor of choice and saw that he was there. I didn't say anything. I didn't look at him. I just walked past him and looked at what sandwiches they had. He bought his food and I heard, "Hey, Kelly. How are you?" Now, he could easily have just walked off and not said anything. For all he knew, I hadn't even noticed him. He didn't. He stuck around to say hi. We talked for a minute and as I turned my attention to the lady that wanted my money, he stepped away. I thought he was gone, but he had only stepped around the corner and as I started heading back to our building, he did, too. We walked back to class together and talked. If only he'd have carried my books. Oh wait, I didn't have any books.

So, yes, I do wish I could just pass him a note and get my definitive answer, but I can't. Life isn't that easy anymore. Life is all angsty and complicated now. My friend says she's going to help me out on that front as much as she can, but that at this moment she's not picking up on anything either way. There's only one thing that can sum up the way this is going. WTF?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Confessions of a 30-something school girl

So, it's time. Time for a confession. A confession of monumental proportions. No, I didn't get freak nasty with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. No, I didn't binge on various unmentionables...oh wait, I did, but we're not talking about that. It's not about my laptop, my lack of weight loss, or my stress level (which is TOTALLY in check right now). My friends? My devoted readers? My family that just feels obligated to still suffer through this meaningless drivel because it gets sent to their inboxes when I click post? It's about a boy. I...have a wee lil mini crush.

Any of you that know me well know that I've had my fair share of dates with people I've met on the internet. This is not my ideal way of meeting men because there is always fear of rejection looming over every first date. I've never really BEEN rejected because I don't hide my size before we meet. I make it very clear. I date guys that like, or claim to like, that sort of thing. Nevertheless, I go completely bat shit crazy with angst before every first encounter. I worry (like it's my job) that the person is going to be completely disgusted by me because they weren't paying attention when I explained my hugeness or thought I was exaggerating. In a perfect world, I would meet guys out in real life where they see me live and in color and still think I'm bringin' sexy back.

What sucks for me is that on the rare occasion that I do meet someone I like out in the real world, I can't tell them. At my size, there is a 99% chance that he won't like me. I can make conversation, flirt, come up with reasons to be near them, but I can't tell them. The most I can do is secretly hope that he's just as twitterpated, but has the manlies to make a move. Especially if it's someone I have to see every day AFTER the embarrassing and awkward confession of interest. This never happens. That is why, despite my growing interest, I will not be telling a particular boy that I think he's adorable (enter big sigh here).

Last term I had a guy in my class and on the first day, as I perused the room to see if there was anyone I was friends with in there, I spied him. I didn't see him the term before and this is a close knit group so I wondered who he was. I thought he was cuteish and wished I'd have sat next to him. As the term progressed, it became obvious that he was the quiet type. I rarely saw him talking to anyone let alone me. I wanted to know what this boy was all about, but didn't make any efforts or think much about it.

Last term my closest design buddy was intent on determining who in the program should be my boyfriend. It seemed like every week she was pointing out someone else that would be good for me. Usually, she was WAY off base! As the term wound down I told her that if there was anyone in the program that I would want to make graphic design babies with, it would be "him." She hadn't had any classes with him and knew nothing of said boy. This term, I have one class with him and she has like three (completely unfair, but I digress). When he walked into class on the first day he said hi and asked if there were any free seats. I quickly said that the one next to me was open (nevermind all the ones across the room). He was going to sit there when I noticed that someone had set there bag on the floor when I wasn't looking. Foiled again! I corrected myself and pointed to the one on the other side of me that was across the aisle. He sat there, quietly.

Over the last few weeks, he has been making a solid effort to get to know my circle of design Gods. He makes comments here and there or asks for an opinion. He's started talking to the guys more and actively participating in conversation. The last few days though? Have mercy. He and I have talked a lot. I'm now making up reasons to talk to him. I'm asking his opinion on my design whether I want it or not. I'm sitting close and leaning in when he asks for help. Saturday he confessed that he isn't on Facebook and we told him that he had the weekend to remedy that. He said he was still on MySpace and hadn't ventured over to the other side yet. Today I was sitting at a table in the common area outside our classes killing time before my 2:00 p.m. class. I had Mac so I was watching a movie and working on some things. I remembered the MySpace comment and decided I needed to look. I needed to know how old he was at the very least, maybe see if he had a girlfriend. Any intel I could get would be good at this point. I eventually found him on there. I was looking through his pictures, hadn't read anything other than the fact that he is 28 and claims to be single. I looked up and my heart lept from my chest as he was walking toward me with a huge smile. I don't think I've ever closed a screen faster. He couldn't see it, but would have as he came around to sit next to me. My heart was racing. He asked if I was going to be sitting there for a while and I said yes. He set his stuff down and said he'd be right back. A few minutes later he was back and sat with me. We talked about projects, I asked him some Getting To Know You type questions and tried not to look all glossy eyed and stupid as he talked. Swoon.

We now break for these important messages.

I'm at school right now working in the design lab and he has class in the room connected to this one. He just came in and sought me out to ask if I had an extra plastic folder (that we turn our projects in with) that he could borrow. Whether I do or don't, even if I had to take all of my stuff out of one to let him borrow it, I jumped on the chance. Flutter.

Now back to this post already in progress.

Once in class I texted my aforementioned buddy and told her that it has progressed to a full blown mini crush. She's giddy about the whole thing. She was in class with him at that very moment and decided that he's really great and she approves. Now I have someone to giggle with about the whole thing every time he walks by. Not sure that's a good thing as it makes me feel like I'm back in high school. I told her that we needed to have another after class drinkfest at the bar up the street next week. She agreed. I proceeded to invite the regulars as I saw them and then he and I were talking again and I invited him. He seems interested, though confessed that seeing him drunk might not be a good thing. Oh how I disagree.

So there you have it, my confession. He and I have class tomorrow morning. Now that my crush is official, maybe I should start coming to school looking like I didn't just roll out of bed, no? Time to bring the heat. He doesn't stand a chance.