Tuesday, July 31, 2007

It's a daggum tragedy

I am wearing my favorite jeans today and it makes me sad (you know, the jeans that miraculously fit me a few entries ago). How is that a tragedy? Because now they're too BIG for me. I'm in no way giving up on them just yet, but it won't be long. I can't even buy time with a belt because they have no belt loops and I'm pretty sure I can't pull off the suspenders look (nor should anyone try save for hot men in suits where it might be considered appropriate) so, their days are numbered. I can, if motivated, pull them down without unbuttoning or unzipping them and they are dragging on the ground because as you lose weight your clothes get longer from not having been stuffed to the gills.

They're super cozy, but I'm left pulling them up all the time. What's worse is, when I climb the stairs with my hands full, I feel them slipping ever so slightly lower with each step. I'm left at a veritable crossroads at this point because only part of me hopes they'll stay up long enough for me to free my hands of clutter. The other part? Oh come on, how awesome would that be to have your jeans just fall right off due to weight loss. Sure, they'll laugh, they'll stare, they might even ridicule you, but I'm pretty sure you'll be over it pretty quickly and be basking in the glory of your super huge jeans. It's at this moment, though, that your mother's sage advice of making sure your undies are in check would come into play. Oh, and the Europeanesque legs probably would NOT be too kosher in most circles, so lets keep things tidy ladies, shall we?

Sadly, this isn't the only pair of pants I'm struggling with. I had a pair of black jeans that were made of a stretchy demin and, alas, they were worn well past their expiration date. I finally had to cut the legs off and make tug toys for Lola. Even worse, a brand new pair of capris that didn't fit before are on the verge of falling down now. Good thing it's summer. I can wear the heck out of them for another couple months and then make my peace with their departure.

Woes me, that frickin' ROCKS! Are you kidding me? I'm 24 pounds down as of today (based on the home scale anyway) and do NOT consider this complaining. It's just sad to blaze through clothes that have been there for you through the fat times. Through all the ice cream, gelato, and Taco Bell runs. Through all the friction caused by my thighs rubbing together.

Tonight, after my WW meeting, I will reintroduce myself to various other members of my wardrobe that I've not spent much time with lately. I will hopefully find a few old friends willing to rekindle what we once had. If not, it's ok. I will just give them a few weeks and reapproach. I won't give up. Not this time.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Side order of perspective, please!

I'm convinced that Nicole Richie weighs an estimated 80 pounds. That, of course, being when she's chalk full of bling, lathered in tanning oil, sporting sunglasses that cover her entire upper cranium, and carrying the latest in kick dog fashion. Do I have any desire to look like her? H, to the E, to the HELL NO! Looking like I'm fresh out of Auschwitz might score me a primo seat in Hollywood, but it's just a hint of creepy in my opinion.

I will, however, use her to help you gain perspective on what I'm trying to accomplish. The aforementioned weight estimate being true, I have to lose 2.5 Nicole Richies to even be in the same neighborhood as a healthy weight range. Two and a half people, albeit, abnormally small people, but two and a half people nonetheless. That being said, bitch better pack her bags. I'm 2 weeks into makin' a strong come back and have 3 primo motivators for following through.

1. I'm getting a roommate. Thus far it looks as though it will be a guy. Like I'm really gonna belly up to a pint of Ben & Jerry's with a guy sitting there watching me. I will probably hit the gym all the time to impress him, regardless of whether or not I even like him, just because I don't want to be the fat girl chillin' on the couch. He has actually suggested going to the gym with me. Sweet! A work out buddy.

2. My clothes are starting to fit better and I'm starting to get rid of old stuff that I have no business wearing anymore. That, and I have hand me downs that others shrank out of that I've never worn and need to make room by throwing away obese girl clothes.

3. Probably the most important motivator on the list. My friend has a time share in Tahiti, or her parent's do rather, and we are planning to go in about a year. She's mentioned it before and I deemed it impossible in a hurry. Me, in Tahiti? Me, on a tropical beach? Are you kidding me? Well, I'm gonna do it!

Now, said friend dives. So does said potential roommate. I have told him that he has 1 year to turn me into a diver so that I can experience the total package when I'm playing island girl. Latest poles would suggest that big girls don't dive. I must remedy the situation by no longer being a big girl. I must lose a ritchie and a half before the trip.

Monday, July 23, 2007

There's gold in them there hills

In this case, gold equals cheesecake and hills equals kitchen. Mmmmm Cheesecake. I won't cave! I musn't cave! I'm going to probably weigh in this afternoon because I can't make my meeting tomorrow. I can't go get on a scale after eating cheesecake for crying out loud.

I'm being confronted by one diet conflict after another. Did George W. just win presidency over my weight loss attempt because it's just one battle after another. It's WAR...but so far I'm winning. My first week back on the WW bus had me battling a cocktail party and a company picnic. The second week offered bagels and cake in the lunch room, brunch and gelato with my sister, and now frickin' cheesecake. What's in store for the third week? Girl's Night Out at a mexican restaurant and a surprise birthday party for my cousin. There's also the possibility of lunch with a potential roommate. Yowza!

Fast forwarding to post meeting weigh in.

I chugged a LOT of water this morning. I was floatin' boats all mornin' long. I decided to go to a 12:15 meeting instead of catching one after work. I thought I sufficiently handled the water issue before driving over, but I had to go again by the time I got there. Alas, I didn't have time. I took my chances and got on that scale anyway. Result? Down 3 more pounds. That's 8 in the last two weeks. Cheesecake be damned!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Clean up on aisle 6

cuz I could pee myself I'm so stoked. Aisle 6 just happens to be at my front door. Confused yet? Good, I'll explain. I just got my first online grocery delivery. Oh yeah, I'm hooked. It's easy like Sunday morning, Baby, and I just might never go back. I'll save my grocery ventures for the hip and happenin' joints like Trader Joes, Whole Foods & Wild Oats.

I'd been wanting to try this rumored online grocery shopping experience and investigated the services of the grocery store I do most of my shopping at. Delivery prices seemed beyond reasonable (first delivery was even free) and when you account for my time and gas money, I almost feel like I should pay them more. I'm not doing this out of laziness if that's what you're thinking, although, it did save me like 4 trips up and down those stairs.

When I go grocery shopping 3 things usually happen. I wander back and forth looking for things and wasting lots of my time, I grab things I wouldn't have thought to get simply because I see it thus resulting in spending WAY more money than anticipated, and I often lose the battle when trying to stay away from the ice cream isle or an equally daunting distant cousin.

Here's the best part. I was just minding my own business, cleaning and reorganizing, when the thunk thunk thunk of a dolly making it's way down my stairs rang in my ears. I ran to the door, opened it, and there he was. My cute delivery boy, er, man. After signing and watching him bring in all my groceries, all that was left for me to do was to check to make sure I had everything and put it away. I pulled all of the stuff out of the bags and layed it on the counter. Mounds and mounds of produce and healthy goodness. Nothing I didn't plan on getting and nothing I would feel guilty for eating later. I grinned ear to ear as I put it away. It took me, what, 10 minutes? I have very little joy in my life people, you're gonna have to give me this one. When I'm thin and rich and wondering what to do with all my free time don't come crying to me for the website info. I'm going to go bask in the glory of my effortlessly well-stocked fridge now.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Missing link

Paper links to be exact. Once upon a diet I started a paper chain and added a link for every pound lost. It helped me really see the progress I was making. For some reason I just can't get a grasp on it without visual aides. I've carried around something that weighed the amount of weight I'd lost and that helps, but for a quick visual aid you just can't go wrong with a paper chain. That diet was sabotaged long ago and the links since thrown away, but a few months ago I had started another one. When all of my yo-yoing started I stopped paying much attention to said chain.

This evening I was working on reorganizing to make room for a roommate and noticed the sad and neglected paper chain hanging on the wall. I had stopped at 10 links and never bothered to update as I struggled with every pound. I wasn't wholly confident that I wouldn't just be taking links off again. I use colorful scrapbook paper cut into little 6 x 1/2 inch strips and staple them together to let the length speak volumes for my progress. When you only have a couple links it all seems kind of silly.

I pulled that little chain from the wall to move it to my bedroom, right next to my closet, so that every morning when I go to get dressed I am reminded of what it is I'm to accomplish for the day. Before hanging it up I decided it was time to update it. I should be down over 20 pounds by my next weigh in so I optimistically added another 10 links. After adding the last link, I picked it up off the desk and held it up. Wow. 20 pounds IS so much more impressive than 10. I hung it up and stepped back to look at it.

1 pound in the grand scheme of things seems like nothing. 1 pound is not going to get me to my goal fast enough. I always strive for the 3 or 4 pound losses because in my head THAT is progress. That is me getting to my end result. But look at that chain. It's riddled with 1 pound loss after 1 pound loss. Just a link at a time and now it's a couple feet, if not three feet, long. I have to stop fixating on the length of the journey and simply focus on the journey itself. If I can just take it one day at a time, one pound at a time, one meal at a time...I will get there.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Oops, I did it again

It's no secret that I haven't lost anymore weight. I've been back and forth between a 16 and 18 pound loss more than Paris Hilton has been in and out of jail. I haven't been going crazy, but I definitely haven't paid enough attention to what I've been eating. Let's discuss why...shall we?

I am financially challenged. By the time I pay bills, I don't have much left for grocery money. I have proven time and time again that I do my best at this when I have a fridge chalk full of options and options I've been a lackin' lately. So how do I plan to remedy this? A roommate (God, help me). I signed up for this online roomie findin' service and don't have anyone YET, but hopefully will soon. That will give me oodles of extra money for groceries...just less room in my fridge. I was looking for a McJob to do on evenings and weekends, but I really don't think that's gonna work for me. I have a dog that would never see the light of day and a home business I'd never have time for. Just when would I hit the gym and prepare healthy meals if I was working a good 70 hours a week? When would I have fun? When would I go to my Weight Watchers meetings?

That's right, I've done it again. Last night I attended my first (part, like, six) Weight Watchers meeting. I'm giving it yet another go. In the past I have typically quit because of those very same financial reasons. Not only would said roomie help me find the money for my meetings, but WW also has different payment plans now. A once a month payment option that makes the meetings cheaper per meeting as well as removing the hassle of having to pay every week. I didn't always HAVE the money by the time the next meeting roled around.

The hour before the meeting I had butterflies. I don't know why. I'd been through the joining process entirely too many times. I know the program. I was still nervous. Then I got on the scale and realized why. I must have subconsciously known that I would suddenly be 11 pounds heavier. ELEVEN people. That GOD DAMN (sorry) scale weighs me ELEVEN pounds heavier than the one at home. That's just asanine. I expected a pound or two difference, but I was NOT ready for that. I had even intentionally eaten a huge lunch, drank a bunch of water on the way over, left my shoes on, and put my keys and cell phone in my pocket to try and get my starting weight with them as close to where I had REALLY started so it would be a true reflection of how far I've come. Well, at this place you can't see the number when you step on the scale. Had I seen it I'd have been like, "Woah, Nelly, lemme take my shoes off and OOPS my keys and cell seem to still be in my pocket. Oh, and let me go to the bathroom first." It had me weighing in at 365.2. I know!! That's 5.2 heavier than when i restarted.

I had a moment of "Holy Shit." when I sat down and read what she had written. I knew I had eaten a lot. I knew I was bloated. I knew all the things that could have contributed to the number, but not THAT number. That was painful. When I got home I got on my scale wearing and carrying all the same things. I had multiple thoughts race through my head. 1. Wow, that number was a lot lower this morning when I was naked and had an empty belly. 2. OK, thank God there is a drastic difference and I haven't really gained that much weight and then 3. What the F$%@? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, what the, 6, 7, 8, you gotta be, 9, 10, ELEVEN? Ouch!

I don't know what I'm going to do about the scale differences, but I do know that I have to make a go of it this time. I don't think I've ever lasted long enough to get ALL of the information they pass out to you. I think it's the first 10 weeks that they give you new program info at every weigh in. I think I've made it to 9. How sad is that? I could be mistaken, but it's not likely. I know for a fact I've never made it to the 16 week mark when you get a lil recognition charm. I'm lame. Maybe I have commitment issues. Either that or a fear of success. With my luck, it's probably both. So, while I figure out which weight I'm going by, route for my success at not being a WW drop out again.