Thursday, March 31, 2005

I'm hittin' the beach!

Not one of sand and sun or fun and frolic. No, this is a beach where for two weeks you say goodbye to all carbs, all sugar, all fruit, all alcohol, and all baked goods and then slowly reintroduce fruit and "good" carbs. It sounds about as fun as an ancient Chinese torture chamber but I'm doing it anyway. Yes, damn it, I'm a sheep. I am following the crowd and starting The South Beach Diet!

Tomorrow is the big day THUS I have been eating so much fruit and yogurt and bread the last few days to get it out of my house that I think I just might puke. I've probably gained a good 5 pounds this week saying goodbye to all my old friends (i.e. Starbucks, Taco Bell, Subway, Ben & his ever fabulous cohort Jerry) but never fear because if South Beach works for me the way it has for my mom and dad not only will I shed a lot of weight the next two weeks on Phase 1 but it will mostly come off my ever present gut.

My skinny readers who've only dieted when they wanted to lose 5 pounds for bikini season are probably thinking "For Christ sake, what's the big deal? This girl talks about remotivating herself every other week. Just lose the weight already and shut up." To that I ever so politely reply "F%&@ off, please, because you have no clue what it's like and have a nice day." To those that have been MORBIDLY OBESE (such a lovely term) for the majority of their lives can I get an "AMEN!" please? You all know my plight and have trudged this same path more times than you can probably count. You know that after a while it gets all kinds of boring and you start to give up as you're burdened by the realization that hell just might freeze over before you lose all the weight you're shooting for. It starts to become all you can do to maintain the weight you've lost let alone not gain it all back. I've determined that it's this pivotal point that you need to reaffirm what it is you're trying to do. It's this point, before you've completely sabotaged your efforts, that you need to dig deep and do whatever necessary to get back on the path to your goal. Realize it NOW, before you gain it all back, hate yourself, and have to work up the courage to try it yet again.

So for me it's as simple as this...I have a hell of a long way to go having only lost somewhere around 27 pounds thus far. Operation drop 200 needs some revamping if I'm going to keep it up because to be quite honest, if I count one more damn weight watching point right now I may claw my own eyes out. I will come back to that of the WW but I need a break right now. I need to mix it up and I need a couple of very successful weeks to get me going strong again and I'm hoping these Phase 1 weeks will be those weeks. SO, I'm not going to my Weight Watchers meetings anymore and I'm back on my own. I'll let you know how it goes. Surf's up, ya'll!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Walk a mile in my shoes...

and you will understand why losing this weight isn't something I can fail at this time. This isn't an optional undertaking. It's not a whim. It's not something I just decided to "try out for a while". It's a last chance, a mission, a lifestyle change. This is my LIFE we are talking about.

My life, that I haven't even LIVED yet. I've been taking a backseat for 28 years. I've been continuously embarrassed just for being who I am. I've been insecure, self-conscious and paranoid that people are always judging me not by the person I am but for the person I appear to be. I hate that there are people that are actually disgusted by me just because of my size and who wouldn't even consider getting to know me just because I weigh too much.

I'm tired all the time and I rarely have any noticeable energy. Though my knees have gotten better since I boycotted high heels they are nothing that a 28 year old should have to deal with. I'm out of breath after one flight of stairs and on the verge of a panic attack going into a restaurant until I know for sure I fit in the booth. I ache to shop at all the trendy clothing stores all my friends shop at but don't even dare to set foot in one knowing it'll only cause more embarrassment.

I want to shop where ever I want. I want to walk out of the house thinking I look cute not just hoping I look a little less fat than usual. I am consumed by my weight and will always be. If it's not by how big and uncomfortable I am it's about what I did or did not do right that day to get me to my goal. And lately, I'm doing very little right which only adds more stress which only makes me do worse which only makes me eat more which only makes me hate myself more which only makes me eat more and...I think you get the point.

So, yet again, it's all or nothing. Do or die...literally. Pre-diabetes did little or nothing to change my ways. It would motivate most people but me, no, it just pissed me off and made me want to crawl in a hole. It made me retaliate by eating what I wanted and deny that it could possibly have happened to me. Well, that's childish and does nothing but write a one way ticket to diabetes. So, it's time to take care of myself not just because I want to wear cute clothes but because I want to live.

I just got a bonus at work and most of it will go towards all the healthy food I need. I'm considering not going to weight watchers meetings anymore to save the money and free up more time, but I know deep down that I need the meetings. However, I need the 48 bucks a month to be able to eat healthy food. So, with a meeting tomorrow night I suppose tonight will be spent making that decision. Meetings or no meetings no one can do this but me and since I'm not successful unless I'm 100% consumed I guess it's time to be obsessive again.