Friday, November 25, 2005

Another Thanksgiving under my belt...

and on my thighs, my hips and my ass. I’m still reeling from the insanity of it all. Mom initially vetoed the green been casserole but was in favor of my sister’s, for lack of an official name, Sugar Filled Sweet Potato Mush professing her well intended desire to keep it healthy. I quickly pointed out that while the grease fried crunchy onions weren’t what one might call nutritious, green beans were still considered a vegetable in most states and that with proper use of 98% fat free Cream of Mushroom soup this delectable dish could still pass for healthy (at least when juxtaposed to Sugar Filled Sweet Potato Mush). After careful deliberation she conceded and Green Bean Casserole was once again back on the menu for my 29th Annual Thanksgiving Day Eat Til You Puke Extravaganza.

Mom called me a couple nights before the event to give me the entire menu run down and it was right then and there that I knew one thing for sure…I was going to need a VERY stretchy waistband. My eyes glazed over as she read the list: turkey, cornbread stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, spoonbread, fried okra, rolls, green bean casserole, sugar filled sweet potato mush and for dessert pumpkin pie and caramel apple pie. Am I the only one privy to the fact that, aside from the turkey, the green bean casserole is probably the healthiest item mentioned? I’m just sayin.

Fear of dehydration during the drive down to mom and dad’s had me starting my morning with an Eggnog Latte (hello fattening). Upon arrival and preparation of the green bean casserole I was quickly greeted with a cheese ball and wheat thins. Luckily it tasted slightly odd to me this year (mayhaps from the eggnog latte coating on my tongue) so I didn’t eat near as much as I usually do. Shortly thereafter it was time to gorge. I ate a healthy serving of everything but the mush and the spoonbread while drinking Mountain Dew and Eggnog. Later I shared TWO PIECES of pumpkin pie with my nephew. Oh, and less I forget, my cousin stopped by after dinner with additional rolls that one couldn’t possibly pass up as they were from my Aunt’s recipe that we don’t get very often.

Whew! I was feeling all right until I got home and sought refuge on the couch. I couldn’t even begin to get comfortable. I was bloated, sleepy, my stomach felt as if it would burst and, oddly, I still couldn’t stop thinking about those rolls. Luckily, I refused to take home any leftovers. Eating that way for a day is one thing. Eating that way for an entire week is a wee bit more than my waistline can handle at this point.

So my official, starting over, post 29th Annual Thanksgiving Day Eat Til You Puke Extravaganza weight is…wait for it…352. UGH! Anyway, let’s just see what kind of miracle I can work between now and Christmas shall we? Happy Holidays!

Monday, November 21, 2005

I'm a big ol' juicy liar

My last entry guaranteed success. I winced when I typed those words knowing my track record yet I still typed them as if it would secure my place in the weight loss hall of fame. I did post a couple sad excuses for entries between then and now but somehow (evil grin) when I transferred the old blog to it’s new home I lost them. OK, so, I confess…I just plain didn’t LIKE those entries nor do I want more professions of my being in the “zone” again published for all to see. Why? Because the zone came and went like a 2-dollar whore thus leaving one ashamed and hoping no one was the wiser.

I joined Weight Watchers meetings AGAIN and just last week decided to quit because I’d pretty much only been gaining and I’d rather spend my money on something that DOESN’T make me feel worthless. I also decided to stop doing the spa parties and though I’ll miss the extra money I will NOT miss schlepping spa stuff to and fro during my weekends. I’ll still maintain consultant status but ix-nay on the arty-pays. I tell myself that those weekends will now be spent working out and working on flutterBy (my greeting card company) but so far its just involved a lot of quality couch time.

Last week I got the gumption to fill out the forms for the next season of The Biggest Loser and when it came time to make the video I froze. Not so much by the thought that it wouldn’t be very good but more by the realization that during the first few shows of the season those ladies are getting up there half naked. They get on those scales in a sports bra and spandex shorts. That, my friends, is a fork in the road that I will NOT be taking on this journey. I’d rather have each individual eyelash plucked from my lids than withstand that hell.

So here I sit at 350 pounds (note: 5 pounds from my all time heaviest) and just kickin my own ass for my inability to control this monster. I mean come on, it’s hard work, but brain surgery it is NOT. Just eat right and exercise for crying out loud. Stop self-medicating with food. Stop putting myself last on the list of things to take care of and bump me right up there to the top. Stop saying “I can’t do it!” and “It’s too much weight to lose.” and just DO IT! Ok, now that I sound like a shoe commercial I think I’m done.

I’m not professing entry into any mythological zones and I’m making no guarantees. I’m just letting you know I’m back and diligently searching for the testicular fortitude to git er done. For those still sticking with me and rooting me on, clearly you have more patience and sticktoitiveness than I do and so in your honor I’ll give it another shot and try to post often. Oh sweet CHRIST let this work to my favor.