Sunday, March 20, 2005

Walk a mile in my shoes...

and you will understand why losing this weight isn't something I can fail at this time. This isn't an optional undertaking. It's not a whim. It's not something I just decided to "try out for a while". It's a last chance, a mission, a lifestyle change. This is my LIFE we are talking about.

My life, that I haven't even LIVED yet. I've been taking a backseat for 28 years. I've been continuously embarrassed just for being who I am. I've been insecure, self-conscious and paranoid that people are always judging me not by the person I am but for the person I appear to be. I hate that there are people that are actually disgusted by me just because of my size and who wouldn't even consider getting to know me just because I weigh too much.

I'm tired all the time and I rarely have any noticeable energy. Though my knees have gotten better since I boycotted high heels they are nothing that a 28 year old should have to deal with. I'm out of breath after one flight of stairs and on the verge of a panic attack going into a restaurant until I know for sure I fit in the booth. I ache to shop at all the trendy clothing stores all my friends shop at but don't even dare to set foot in one knowing it'll only cause more embarrassment.

I want to shop where ever I want. I want to walk out of the house thinking I look cute not just hoping I look a little less fat than usual. I am consumed by my weight and will always be. If it's not by how big and uncomfortable I am it's about what I did or did not do right that day to get me to my goal. And lately, I'm doing very little right which only adds more stress which only makes me do worse which only makes me eat more which only makes me hate myself more which only makes me eat more and...I think you get the point.

So, yet again, it's all or nothing. Do or die...literally. Pre-diabetes did little or nothing to change my ways. It would motivate most people but me, no, it just pissed me off and made me want to crawl in a hole. It made me retaliate by eating what I wanted and deny that it could possibly have happened to me. Well, that's childish and does nothing but write a one way ticket to diabetes. So, it's time to take care of myself not just because I want to wear cute clothes but because I want to live.

I just got a bonus at work and most of it will go towards all the healthy food I need. I'm considering not going to weight watchers meetings anymore to save the money and free up more time, but I know deep down that I need the meetings. However, I need the 48 bucks a month to be able to eat healthy food. So, with a meeting tomorrow night I suppose tonight will be spent making that decision. Meetings or no meetings no one can do this but me and since I'm not successful unless I'm 100% consumed I guess it's time to be obsessive again.

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