Monday, June 19, 2006

On the road of life,

…there are passengers and there are drivers: Drivers Wanted! I find it funny that I’m a Volkswagen owner considering their tagline. I’ve treated life as if it were a spectator sport and played the role of passenger since day one. I feel like Wolfgang Von Volkswagen himself will show up on my doorstep in his lederhosen and revoke my privileges because I'm such a disgrace to all things VW. It's almost as if I've been told that my life is on the 13th floor of a very superstitious building and I just keep taking the elevator up and down (like you thought I'd take the stairs…pshhh). I never venture out onto any other floor. I never grab the bull by the balls (horns are for pansies) and say "Screw this, I wanna live a 1st floor kinda life." I just keep waiting…convinced that it's just a matter of time before we get to my floor.

Well, F%$& that. I turned 30 just over 2 weeks ago. Nothing makes you take a life inventory like a whole new decade. I moped around the entire week because "oh, woes me" I had nothing to show for my life. I was still fat, still single, still broke, still renting not owning, still not traveling, still frustrated with my job, still making well intended promises to myself, but doing NOTHING to follow through. I'm 99.9% sure it's all my fault and even more sure that I'm the only one that can change it. I finally moved out of the backseat, but I never grew a pair and got behind the wheel.

How fabulous that the most critical endeavor (losing weight) is the most challenging for me. As of Friday I’m back to 360 (AGAIN) and confronted with the fact that last year I said I would not be entering my 30’s this big. I said that I wouldn’t spend another summer fat. I said a lot of things that I haven’t done a damn thing about. I’m probably well beyond the PRE-diabetes phase and staring full blown diabetes right square in it’s beady little eyes. They diagnosed it almost 2 years ago and I’ve not gotten tested since (you don’t have it if no one tells you that you do…duh).

So here I sit, back at my all time high weight, my life spinning out of control and me wishing it were different. Let this entry mark the beginning of some life altering changes. I'm finally going to take control of my life. I’m going to start with 3 of the most important to me: saving money for a house, losing weight, and my home business. Call it growing a backbone, call it getting some testicular fortitude, call it what you will...but I'm doing it and no one is going to get in my way. I will not spend the NEXT 30 years wishing I "woulda" done or "shoulda" done and those that try to sabotage my attempts will be amazed at just how unphased I am by their efforts this time. I lost quite a bit of weight the last time I felt like my life was out of my control. I most certainly feel that way now…but not for long. Bring it, bitches!

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