Friday, September 22, 2006

Too little, too late?

Today I had to go to the doctor. The whole way there I worked up the nerve to get my blood tested. For those still catching up, two years ago my doctor told me that I had Pre-diabetes. I haven’t seen her since. I still haven’t because she’s not there on Fridays, which is why I chose to go then. I avoided the lecture, got seen, and got tested. Now I wait…and wait…and wait.

I suppose I deserve what I get. I had the opportunity to do something about it before it was too late and I didn’t. It’s my fault. Getting the news about pre-diabetes when I did just destroyed me. Not that it’s ever a good time to get news like that, but that was a REALLY bad time. I was already going through things and I just, well, gave up. I stopped caring, stopped trying to lose weight, and stopped expecting anything better for my life. I buried my head in the sand and was content to stay there.

I’ve finally peeked my head back out. By no means am I taking the world by storm, but I think I’m ready to face whatever is next for me. Hence, the blood test. If I have Diabetes then I better get it in check. If I don’t then I better get it in check. My body is not at all happy with me right now. My knees, my feet…they’re all going on strike. My blood pressure is about the only thing still on my side.

As bad as that sounds, being this big takes so much more than a physical toll on you. What it does to you mentally is devastating. I really don't know how to get that across. Putting aside how society makes us think about ourselves, think of how you felt when you failed at something you really set your mind to. What did it do to your self-esteem? Your confidence? Your happiness? Chances are good, even if briefly, that it caused a bit of a set back for you and caused you to re-evaluate your worth. At the very least you were a little bummed. Every day that I wake up and don't eat in a manner that brings me closer to my goal is a day that I fail because every day I try. That's a lot of failure.

People tell me that my size shouldn't matter. That I should just love myself and be content with who I am. If you failed every day would you be content with who you are? It would be one thing if I were trying to lose this to get a man, be in a size 2, fit into the mold of what I'm told a woman should look like. Then I can understand people suggesting that to me. I'm losing this weight to live…in every sense of the word. The question is…is it too late?

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