Thursday, February 16, 2006

One day you'll see the clear blue

Beyond the gray sky

(Poignant little ballad by 311)

It’s funny to me how the simplest things can snap you back into reality just in time to keep you from completely giving up. Things you take for granted any other day may mean the world to you on a day (or a series of days) that, in your current state of mind, couldn’t possibly be worse. The laughter of a child, a sunny day after months of rain, a song that couldn’t possibly have struck a bigger chord, or the kisses of a dog that recognizes your world is crumbling (though she doesn’t quite understand how a toss of her tennis ball doesn’t make everything better). Sometimes you just need help seeing beyond the gray sky.

I knew that one of two things would happen if I ever got out of bed. I would either quickly eat my way to 400 pounds or I would take a stroll over to the opposite end of the spectrum and finally start losing some serious weight. Good news…I’ve lost 14 pounds. Ten of that is in the last couple weeks. I opted not to console myself with pint after pint of Ben & Jerry or the like. I didn’t wallow in Grilled Stuft Burrito after Grilled Stuft Burrito. Instead I kept so busy that meals almost slipped my mind half the time. I didn’t even think I was doing well until this morning when I discovered that my new scale isn’t just off by 3 pounds. It’s off by 5 one day and 8 the next and I’m pretty sure it’s starting to develop horns and a spiked tail. It’s being turned over for an exorcism and then I’m getting rid of it. A couple pounds is one thing but EIGHT POUNDS means the difference of a middle digit and that is psychologically colossal.

My self-esteem is still shot and I don’t think I’ve felt worse about myself but last week a new friend that happens to be fond of girls of my size told me that I was the prettiest he’d seen and didn’t think I’d give him the time of day. That, in essence, it took him 6 months to work up the gumption to actually talk to me. Do you know how long I’ve wanted to be the “pretty girl” that “thought she was too good”??? I’m so NOT that way but I at least wanted to qualify for the option to be. How great would it be to know that men aren’t talking to you because they are intimidated by your beauty not because they are intimidated by your size.

People don’t realize how much the things they say to someone can affect them. You never know how bad a person’s day is. They may create the illusion that everything is fine when in all actuality they are using every last ounce of strength they have to just keep it together. One small criticism or well-intended bit of advice can cause a person to crumble whereas one seemingly inconsequential compliment may help a currently devastated girl, well, see beyond the gray sky.

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