Thursday, July 7, 2005

Illegitimis non carborundum

This is a British World War II phrase. U.S. General Joseph W. Stilwell (1883-1946) then adopted it as his motto and to that I say "BLOODY BRILLIANT!" As of this morning it is now Kelly Anderson's (1976-soon if I don't lose weight) motto. I'd come across it somewhere before but was reminded of it today after expressing my complete and utter disdain for myself to a very wise lady (E, consider this your shout out). It means "Don't let the bastards grind you down." and it is EXACTLY the mindset I need to adopt.

I am currently in the midst of a full blown spell of self-loathing. I've been having these days more and more lately. I've wasted hundreds and hundreds of dollars working out with a trainer only to stay the same size because I can't stop eating the wrong things. I was already hating myself yesterday when I got to the gym and having a tough time keeping it together when TGT (Trainer Guy Todd) announced that it was time to check my stats. I told him I didn't want to and explained that it was a self-loathing day and that I could already tell him that nothing had changed. That if I had tangible proof that nothing had changed it would probably smack me right into a full blown bout of depression. Yeah, he didn't care because stat checking he wanted so stat checking he did. I'm a pound heavier than I was when I met him, body fat has barely gone down and the measurements showed little to no change (some up, some down). While he did my measurements he asked what happened that had me having such a bad day...he doesn't understand that nothing has to "happen" for me to hate myself.

When we were done TGT then proceeded to very enthusiastically remind me that a little improvement is better than no improvement. I didn't agree. I only felt more like a failure. He then said he wants me to get up every morning and do 30 minutes of cardio on top of going to the gym at night and what does HE need to do to make that happen. I told him he'd have to come drag my ass out of bed at 5:30 every morning. He said he could do that...I didn't take him up on it.

With a half hour left to our allotted workout time he managed to unleash in me a sense of complete and utter hate. Surprisingly, it was more for myself than for him (though I'm not gonna lie to you, I really wanted to smack him upside his sunburnt head). I winced as he started setting up a lil circuit he intended for me to do. Lift this weight, do these leg presses, get on the floor and do a bridge, ride this bike, now lift these weights...and hurry up because we have to do it alllllll over again. There is only one part of that equation that reigns supreme at bringing out the hate...the bike. 3 different times I had to get on that thing and I didn't just have to ride it I had to pedal pretty f'n fast (for me anyway) for 2 or 3 minutes (determined by how pissed off he wanted me I think). We'd worked the bike in before and he had me keep it at 80...I could barely do it. This time he wanted me to keep it at 90...riiiiiiiight. TGT's crack addiction is now blindingly obvious.

My head started pounding and I COULD NOT BREATHE!! All these people were around so I tried not to make it completely obvious that I wanted to pass out or that I couldn't breathe and all of THAT (duh) only made it worse. When we were done I grabbed my stuff and walked out. None of the joking around and funny ha ha's that we usually toss around as I leave. I replied with a cranky goodbye and I hyperventilated my way out to my car where I sat and cried. I've been welling up ever since so I'm sure I've solved the latest water retention issue.

"Illegitimis non carborundum!" Though I have many "illegitimis" in my life that are trying to sabotage my efforts and grind me down I'm the biggest bastard of them all. I'm harder on myself than TGT ever will be. I derail my efforts more than anyone else does. I hear all the speeches about how I haven't quit and how I'm faithfully going to the gym even on the days when I don't have to meet TGT but right now it all just sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher to me (You know, "wah waaaahh, wah waaaahh wah."). It's not ENOUGH! I've got to do better and I've got to stop letting the bastards (me) grind me down.

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