Are you who you want to be?

So, check it. Sunday my sister and I made our first '07 jaunt over to the beach. It has become custom since I got my convertible that she come over, we get topless (Hello? Did you catch the convertible portion of this sentence? You dirty bird!), head to Cannon Beach and have lunch at the Warren House Pub. They have a perfectly fetching little garden where you can bring your dogs and nosh. OK, I'm getting off track. My point is that when we left the beach I had a moment. Last year when we were there I was completely out of breath when I made my way through the looser portions of sand that greet you when you make your way to the water. This time I noticed as we were leaving that not only had I not broken a sweat, but I wasn't hyperventilating. Hell, I wasn't out of breath even a little. This is monumental.

After lunch we went on a gorgeous drive up to Astoria and over to Washington. I was so diggin' this day. The weather could not have been more perfect, I was stoked about my lack of hyperventilation on the beach, the view was stunning, the top was down, the music was cranked...ah yes, the music. A song came on that caused me to get the chills. In it they say "This is your life...are you who you want to be?" It was all I could do not to shout out a resounding "Helllllll NO!" Did I not just post about letting my light shine and living my life as I see fit? Creepy. I am SO far from who I want to be. I am; however, currently edging ever so closely to a path that will completely change my life. I'm doing what I need to do to lose weight, I'm not letting people walk on me anymore, I'm even looking to change careers (still keeping that on the double downlow).

The song went on to ask if your life is everything you dreamed it would be. Ohmigod, No! And why? My weight. Point blank. It has held me back from doing almost every single thing I've wanted to do. It's almost got me hesitant to try for this career change. Ok for God's sake. You just don't look pretty when you beg. I want to start bartending. I want to go take a 2 week class that teaches you all you need to know and then start bartending. Why am I hesitant? Because I don't want to spend the money for the class and then not be able to get a job because of my size. I've got personality on lock down. As for ability...I won't be getting all Coyote Ugly on their asses, but I'm anticipating I'll be pretty damn good at it. I want to score a gig that will pay enough to eventually be able to quit the day job and focus more on my home business (which just scored two shops that want to carry my cards). The best way to make good tips is a busy place like a club. Now, I don't frequent that of the club that often, but I know damn well that I haven't seen any hefty bartender chicks schlepping drinks to and fro. I see super cute skinny chicks willing to shake their asses on the bar and flash tatas for days. Oh wait, tatas I've got. I am so IN THERE!

So, what have we learned today? Basically, if your life isn't what you want it to be...shut up and change it. Don't sit there and whine about it and hope for better days. Don't continue going through the motions until you're 10 years older and wishing you had back ANOTHER decade. Don't continue to wake up every morning agonizing over the day ahead of you. We all deserve to look forward to going to work. Love yourself enough to find out what will make you happy and make it happen. Over and out!

Let your own light shine

I’ve always appreciated a good quote. One that really makes you pause to consider it’s meaning and how it relates to your current state of things. I have my favorites (many of which are at least popular enough to make magnets out of), but here is something that every time I’m reminded of it, flat out gives me the chills.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

I know, right? Anyone else have a moment of goosebumpedness? I am SO that person that steps back and “plays small”. I’m taken advantage of, talked down to, treated less than I deserve. The worst part is…I LET them! I question myself more than I question others regardless of how right I may be. Or at least I used to. I’ve apparently grown very tired of being expected to bow down to anyone and everyone. I say things that I would never have previously considered, I stand up for myself, I don’t avoid causing ripples just because someone might not like it, I no longer feel the need to keep the peace. I am not Switzerland for God’s sake. Treat me badly and I will call you on it. Try to stifle me and I will only get louder.

If only I could apply this to my weight loss struggles. If I could stop being afraid to be gorgeous, afraid of getting that attention I’ve never had, afraid of being fierce.

Calgon, take me away

Better yet, just totally kidnap me and lock me in a spider filled dungeon somewhere. Feed me protein shakes and salad while I watch others eat ice cream. Make me watch Facts of Life reruns by day and blast Boy George songs by night because right now even THAT would be paradise compared to what currently makes up a typical day for me. Send a ransom note made of glue-sticked letters clipped from magazines demanding a drama free work environment and order all persnickety bitches bent over and caned on their mollycoddled asses for my safe return. And believe you me, the list of canees is long and extensive. Just make sure I'm forced to watch said caning (against my will, natch) as part of my "torture".

I am super stressed out. Can ya tell? I'm so stressed out that I'm beginning to show signs of Alzheimers. I'm losing words. I can't remember if I want to use heel or heal, past or passed. I mean, NOBODY knows when to use affect or effect, but HEAL? Am I curing Malaria or buying Manolo Blahniks? It's a damn miracle that I'm even forming sentences right now and don't ask me how I just managed to use persnickety and mollycoddled in the same sentence. Did I even use them correctly? I've almost quit my job 372 times (this week alone) and I walk around aimlessly because I can't remember what I was about to do. The other day I actually had to call my cell phone to find it. For anyone that knows me, that is HUGE, as it is usually an additional appendage for me. Where was it? In Lola's kennel (don't ask). I feel like I should be huddled up in the corner of a highly padded room with a prozac, valium, gelato cocktail sporting the latest in straight jacket couture. I'm losin' it, man. Don't even get me started on the emotional eating that has kicked into overdrive.

Insert calming mantra here. And…relax.

I've lost 20 pounds. I know, yay me. Problem is…I lost those 20 pounds by the beginning of March and nothing since. No, it's not a plateau. It's the fact that I'm not going to the gym and not eating like a sane person. Yes, damn it, I know, at least I'm not gaining considering how I've been eating. Kudos to me. Despite the calorie burn it would promise, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Right now it's all I can do to get through a day so what I eat during that day is of little consequence to me. I'm predicting things will turn around for me over the next month or so and then I can get all crazy focused again. I HAVE to get crazy focused again, I have big summer plans. OY VEY!