Sunday, June 22, 2008

Hi. Remember me?

I'm that girl that used to have her eye on the weight loss prize. The girl that always seemed to have the end goal in mind even if she did slip off track on occasion. The girl that would go on and on about how she got off track and the reasons behind it and how she wants to change and undo whatever damage she did to whatever progress she had made. She'd sit here eagerly typing away with a renewed sense of self, an uplifted spirit, and the fire of recommitment burning to her very core. She would probably have just spent countless hours planning her attack, marking her calendar with the days she would be working out and her routines, setting up check points and deadlines for what she should weigh and when. She would have had positivity coursing through her veins. She would have had hope. She would have had good intentions. She would have felt fierce.

Today, however, I sit here, today I write this entry, defeated. I won't make excuses. I won't blame the cards I've been dealt recently or my schedule. I won't blame my living arrangement or saboteurs. I will blame me. I'm responsible for my bad food choices through times of crisis and times of hardship. I'm responsible for my lack of motivation and lack of commitment to me. I'm responsible for my complete disregard for my health, for my life, for my happiness. I'm responsible for me.

I'm responsible for swallowing my pride, venturing back here to those that might still be reading this. I'm responsible for at least trying, again, to beat this demon. I am responsible for the exercise I got yesterday and the few days before that. I'm responsible for the ice cream I didn't eat last night and the new shoes I bought so that I can go to the gym. I'm responsible for me.

I've learned a lot while I've been away: losing your job is less stressful than being in a job that makes you miserable; losing your grandmother to Alzheimer's is less painful than watching her live with it; if you're not sure who your real friends are, find yourself in a time of crisis and everything becomes clear; you can not only go back to school after fourteen years, but you can get straight A's; finding yourself is far more important than finding a man; and regardless of how often people tell you that you need to lose weight, they sure as heck aren't going to help you do it.

So, I'm back??? It may not be with the fierceness of my previous attempts. It may not be chalk full of positivity and hope, but I'm back.


Carlos said...

i just finished your blog and i loved it. i couldn't stop reading.

CJ said...

Glad you are back. You have had some major revelations about yourself and your life. Its inspiring!

Tricia said...

What a beautifully written post. Please keep writing!!

e said...

YAYYYY KELLY - I have missed this blog SO much! I love reading this because I feel like it's MY personal struggles written down. Your triumphs are my triumphs, and your setbacks are my setbacks. Keep on truckin', and let's get that fierce-ness back!