Friday, June 27, 2008

Make room for my big badonkadonk

cuz I'm here to stay!

I took new "before" pictures yesterday. I originally intended to at least do my hair and makeup for them to alleviate some of the trauma, but I'm sick and I really didn't feel like it. Besides, you can put lipstick on a pig and call her Sally, but...oh, nevermind. So, after my shower I pulled my short hair back into a tragic little ponytail and put on clothes that are tight enough to show all my fat rolls without the threat of blindness that being naked would provide. I set up my tripod and my new fancy Nikon D60 camera and proceeded to break off a few timer shots. To be honest, I expected my camera to sprout little arms to unscrew itself from the tripod and wee little legs to walk itself over to the window and throw itself spiraling to the ground. I now have shots from various frightening angles over on the sidebar slideshow that are to eventually prove me to be the incredible shrinking woman.

(waiting while you look, cringe, and nod agreeably with my spot on evaluation. Tolja so!)

Are we all clear on why I'm here now? Good, because I need unanimous and unequivocal understanding of the obstacle before me. Have you read all the entries and taken note of how many times I've recommitted, said I was back, talked about how badly I need to beat the beast that is my weight? Have you noticed all the things I had hoped to do and goals I wanted to meet? Rewards I intended to give myself? Have I been to Italy? No. Tahiti? No. Been on Oprah? No. Have I gotten off diabetes medication, gotten under 300 even once, or made jaws drop with how fierce I am? No.

Am I a quitter? No. I'm still here aren't I? Am I a failure? No. I may be taking my sweet time, but I'm only a failure if I stop trying. I took those pictures and when I looked at them, though hard to see, I didn't cry. I didn't binge. I didn't sit and stare at them as if I had no idea I was that big. I looked, cringed slightly, posted them, and said, "OK, so now we change it." Will I lose the 200 pounds I mentioned when I started this? Maybe not, and that's fine with me. Will I get under 300? You bet your sweet ass I will. Under 200? Who knows. For now we are no longer focusing on anything that far in the future. Right now we are focusing on things more attainable...things like seeing 299 on the scale again. Right now we're focused on today. Anything beyond this weekend is more than I care to think about. No one knows what tomorrow holds.

I'm 5 days into my reattempt at this home improvement project and you might as well bring me another board cuz THIS nailed! 100% on track and no inkling of deviation. I can't even say that the reason it's been easy is because I'm sick and haven't had an appetite. Since when has not having an appetite stopped THIS girl from eating? Exactly! I'm just not thinking about food. I'm eating, don't get me wrong. I'm just not consumed by it. I'm not watching the clock and counting down to when I can justify eating again. I'm not making my food choices wishing it were something better. I'm just giving my body nourishment and then going about my day. You know, like skinny people do. I'm not depriving myself and I'm not going overboard. I've had points left most nights and sometimes I had a bowl of ice cream and sometimes I just had a diet ice cream bar instead. Tonight we were going to have pizza. Fine. I got the Papa Murphy's Delite pizza for me. I counted all my points. I'm fine.

Thank you for the praise, for the pats on the back, and for the words of encouragement. You'll be hearing from me often.

1 comment:

Carlos said...

winning is easy... getting knocked down and getting back in it is the real challenge. good for you, and thank you for your before picture bravery, you inspire!