Monday, November 1, 2004

I am trapped...

Not in a prison of bars and wardens, but one of my own making. Blame could be placed in many places, but inevitably it was my own doing. I take accountability for the life I've been leading so far and for the damage I've done to myself not only physically, but emotionally. That is why I also take credit from here on out for every day, every THING I do to break free. I am a prisoner in my own body.

Born 10 pounds and 5 ounces, I'm a girl that has never known anything other than being overweight. For 28 years I've been on just shy of a bazillion diets and if you take all the weight I've lost and regained in my lifetime you would have that of an NFL Linebacker. I know more than any one uneducated person should about nutrition and the "right way" to just can't tell by looking at me. I'm a very mobile big girl, but at 28 my knees are going quickly from the excess weight and it's only a matter of time before I can barely get around at all.

I know what compels me to take this journey, but a lot of people will wonder just how hard I was hit in the head to have me publish a blog about my weight and the struggles of losing it. The only people that will understand are those trying to take the same journey. A size 2 wearing, Janet ab having, eat whatever they want and don't gain weight kind of person won't get it. To all those who know what it's like to go to a restaurant and be scared you won't fit in the booth...this Blogs for you! To all those afraid to fly not because you'll crash but because you will need a seatbelt extension and be mortified when even THAT doesn't work as the person next to you is disgusted by your mere presence...this Blogs for you! To all those who go into their local hip clothing stores knowing the skinny girl rushing to see who just came in isn't thinking "How can I help you?" but "What on EARTH are YOU doing HERE?"...this Blogs for you! Maybe what I say about how I'm feeling week to week will strike a chord with someone else. Maybe if someone else in my position sees my struggle they too will get through another plateau, through one more family gathering based around food, through a binge brought on by emotional eating, and through a day where all they want to do is give up and continue hiding in their bodies.

The fact of the matter is, I don't know what I look like underneath all this. I don't know what the thin version of me is like, I've never met her. I only know the life of a fat girl. A girl ACHING to break free and find herself, her thin self, for the very first time. I joined one month ago today (again) and I'm doing it. Every second of every minute of every day is devoted to finding myself…body and soul.

One month ago I weighed in at 355 pounds. Today I'm down 16 pounds. Sixteen when you have to lose 200 doesn't seem like much and can sometimes be overwhelming, but no one ever climbed a mountain without taking those first few small steps. Sixteen is closer to 200 then I was a month ago. Sixteen pounds down is a far cry from 16 pounds up. Sixteen pounds down means my pants fit a little better and my knees feel a little stronger. So Operation Drop 200 is under way and "I can't" is no longer in my vocabulary.

1 comment:

Carolyn said...

Hello (:

When I decided I wanted to leave a comment, I actually had to retrace my steps back from your blog via History because I had no idea how I found it. Haha, then I remembered that I had googled "bow chicka bow wow" to see if I spelled it right (I did), and that I followed a link back to your blog with a post titled "Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

The opening line caught my attention and as I kept reading, I couldn't stop. I skimmed over a couple more posts before I skipped right to the beginning. Though I see you haven't updated in nearly a month, I hope you'll continue to write. You are very engaging and funny, and although I wouldn't say I'm your target audience as outlined in your first post, I can still relate to many things you say.

Thanks, and take care. I'll be reading (;