Thursday, November 4, 2004

It happened!

So there I was, minding my own business, blabbing away in my journal a few nights ago about nothing and everything all at once when it happened! It FINALLY happened! I never thought it would. I'd heard about it, this rumored sense of empowerment, but it was so foreign a concept to me that I thought it was a revelation that would never come my way. Out of my pen came the words I CAN DO THIS! I stared at it for a minute wondering why writing it this time seemed so different. Then I realized, like most everyone I'm sure, that I usually only utter those 4 small words because I feel that it should be the dieter's mantra. It's what they've told us we have to believe. They (not sure who "they" are exactly) tell us to think positively. They tell us to look in the mirror screaming "I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I AM WORTHY." and all the other psychological mumbo jumbo they've been feeding us for so long because one day we WILL believe it. Quite frankly, that's exactly what I considered it all this time...just some silly psychological mumbo jumbo. I HATE when I'm wrong. Holy crap I CAN do this. Who'da thunk it? Those itty bitty formerly pointless words suddenly became very meaningful. It made what seems like an impossible journey...attainable.

I CAN DO THIS! I can make the necessary choices to reach my goal weight. If it takes hours to talk myself out of a full fledged threesome with Ben & Jerry then hours I will spend, dang it! So what if I have 28 years worth of bad habits to replace with better/healthier/new habits...sure beats being dead at 40. I even went to the gym last night for the first time in, jeeze, close to a year?? I walked in there like I owned the joint, head held high. I got on that treadmill and I did my thang (slowly, but did it nonetheless) right next to the skinny girls I despise. Granted, I WAS secretly hoping they'd take a mis-step and fall right off the back of that thing but come on people, Rome was NOT built in a day!

The day WILL come that I slide on a pair of jeans that haven't fit in years and to my wonder and amazement they will be TOO BIG. The day WILL come that I'm walking down the street and pass a window and catch a glimpse of my reflection and have to stop...and look...and wonder...just who that girl in the window is. The day WILL come when other girls hate ME TOO simply because I've got the body they've always wanted...oh what a day that will be. Some day I will be a runner, I will be strong, I will be FIERCE! Some day I will!!

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