Tuesday, May 17, 2005

When is enough REALLY enough?

As little as one hour ago I sat here completely proud of myself. I went to the gym yesterday and not only worked out but spoke with a trainer to find out just how much money I'm going to have to come up with to start working with him. Then I came home and walked Lola. Today I went to the gym again and worked out even longer and harder. I sat down and logged onto my laptop to do the next (long over due) blog entry and decided it was time, again, to go back and read the past entries.

I've done this before and I've felt renewed and remotivated. It didn't have the same effect this time, in fact, it had the complete opposite effect. Instead I sat here fighting back the tears with almost every entry until I couldn't do it anymore and started crying. I'm sooooooo tired of living like this. To have to fight every day to stay on track. To have to meticulously track every single bite of food to make sure I don't eat more than I should. To hate myself every time I eat what everyone else in the room eats with no guilt.

I'm tired of dreading writing my next blog because I'll only be denoting my latest failure instead of my next triumph. My first entries were so energetic and inspiring. I inspired others. Now I'm not even inspiring myself. My attempt at South Beach went terribly wrong. The first week was phenomenal. I lost about 6 pounds. BUT, as I suspected, a person with a food obsession has no business doing a diet like that. I've never craved fruit and fat free yogurt so much in my life. The next week I binged, not only on those things, but on everything I'm not supposed to eat. As did I the next, and the next. I've gained all that back plus 2 more. So, here I am, again reporting another failure.

I know that makes this blog honest. I know that if I only reported the highs and never the lows that no one would be able to relate. Who has ever been inspired to lose weight by someone that just decided to try it one day and succeeded. I'm inspired by women like Oprah who have tried again, and again, and again and have won and lost the battle uncountable times. Look at her now, yet another success. THAT is inspiring. THAT I can relate to.

So here I sit, two weeks shy of 29 years old, wondering when enough is REALLY enough. When will I renew my dedication to lose this weight for the very last time? When will I succeed? Will I succeed? What will happen to me if I don't? When will I be fierce?

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