Wednesday, June 1, 2005

If thou seekest the Devil...

he works at Bally's. And I would have told you sooner but as I headed into my office to write this entry I realized I had a couple things I had to get done first. One being putting my garbage out on the curb. I took the first step down my porch and had to stop and ponder just how important garbage pickup was this week because my legs actually did NOT work. Twenty minutes later the 5 minute job was done.

Then I packed up the stuff I needed to wash for my spa party tomorrow night and headed to the washing machine. This is when I realized my washing machine is in the basement. I considered moving out but determined that was not an immediate solution (though I'm still considering it to avoid any future incidences). Let me see if I can put it into perspective for you. Imagine, if you will, that someone has physically removed your thigh muscles. Thigh muscles, I might add, that control the momentum at which you descend a flight of stairs. I ask this because as of right now I have no control over my thigh muscles and they might as well have gone temporarily AWOL. Now, in an attempt to not just plummet head first down said stairs you put most of your weight on the railing of the stairs (thank God for railing). You call into action the rest of your leg muscles to somehow coerce your foot onto the next step. All of this taking quite a bit of time.

Once I reached the bottom of the stairs and put my clothes in the washer I headed back up. As I climbed back up I noticed a definite quiver in my thighs but it was easier than going down. I got up those stairs with a sigh of relief and then almost cried when it dawned on me that in a half hour or so I would have to do it all again to get my clothes and bring them up to the dryer.

So, this is probably where you're wondering what ritualistic acts were performed at my first work out with Trainer Guy Todd. We did upper and lower body but there are two things responsible for the pain I will be in for my birthday tomorrow. Squats and lunges. Hmmm, squats & lunges. Just doesn't have the nice ring to it that Ben & Jerry does. Anyway, I thought I would die and the only comfort I could find through the whole ordeal was that we were in the gym where they do the aerobics classes and the lights went out and no one could really see me hyperventilate. And he told me I wouldn't be doing squats and lunges yet because of my knees...lying bastard.

I did tell him that he has one year to whip my butt into shape though. One year because I refuse to hit 30 in this condition. One year because I'll be getting ready to go to Italy. One year because it's time I start living my life instead of simply observing it. So, ya'll better step aside because if I survive whatever Trainer Guy Todd puts me through next...there will be no stopping me.

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