Tuesday, January 23, 2007

One for the record books...or at least this journal

You'll have to excuse my french, but holy shit! This here newfound mindset is actually working. On Saturday I was moving clothes from my broken dresser drawer to a shelf in my closet. At the bottom of a stack of jeans were a pair I've never actually worn because they were always a bit snug and uncomfortable. I typically wear a not so loose 26/28 and these are a 26. I bravely unfolded them, stepped into them and pulled them up. They weren't so bad. I zipped, buttoned and assessed. Nah. I'm in them, but it was nothing I could sit in all day.

(enter Tuesday stage left) I was getting dressed this morning and was about to put on the same old jeans I always wear. As I went to grab a pair, I glanced at the aforementioned skinny jeans I had tried. I put my old jeans down and grabbed the newer, sassier, more expensive pair. I don't know why I thought I should attempt it again, but I stepped into them. I pulled them up, zipped, buttoned and reassessed. This is where "holy shit" comes in. They fit. No, they didn't just fit, they were actually comfortable. They are slightly stretchy so I'm sure that helped, but THEY FIT! I really need to toss them into the dryer to shrink the length, but I'm no fool. I'm not gonna ruin a good thing just yet. Maybe in a couple more weeks when I've lost even more, but not yet. Let me just bask in the glory of my jeans.

While at work and fully basking in said glory, the same coworker that told me about a diet book not so long ago (see entry "Pity? Party of One?") asked me how all my working out was going. Last week he had some how found out about my recommitment to the Kel and gave me a bit of kudos for it. So, when he inquired I simply said, "Well, I'm wearing jeans that didn't fit me a few weeks ago." He shook my hand. He asked how much I'd lost and I told him I had no idea because my trainer has my scale. He said he'd heard a lot of nutritionists talking about getting rid of your scale. I explained my scale obsession and how it causes me to quit all the time and he told me to keep it up. Well, now I have to if so many people are watching me.

Forcing myself to focus on other benefits of weight loss instead of trying to get a number to go down on a scale is by far the best thing I've ever done. In the past I've never been able to see a difference when I've looked in a mirror. It's always been an "Objects in mirror may be smaller than they appear" sort of thing because I still saw the fat girl no matter how much I'd lost. I've longed for the day when I could look in a mirror and say "Wow, sexy bitch, you kick ass." Well, I guess I could anyway, but it would be nice to say it to an obviously smaller me. I've lost up to 40 pounds before and other people could see it, but I couldn't. Yesterday I turned to walk away from the sink in the bathroom and had to do a double take as I saw myself in the mirror. I thought I noticed a very slight difference. I convinced myself that my sweater was just more stretched out than usual, but now that I've got these jeans on maybe there really is a difference. A difference in a matter of a couple weeks? Insane.

I'm finally feeling empowered again. I'm feeling like I did when I started this journal. I'm feeling like there is light at the end of a very long tunnel and instead of saying, "Eh, forget that, it's too far away." I'm saying, "Stand back. I got this." There will be days that I struggle and days that I fall off altogether, afterall, I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life and no one is perfect. I have to be aware of everything I put in my mouth to succeed at this. I have to determine if it's a decision that will move me closer to my goal or further from it and even if I lose all the weight I will still have to think that way. Losing the weight is not my only obstacle. People lose weight all the time. Very few people keep it off. I don't want to go through this only to gain it back AGAIN. I can do this.

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