Saturday, January 13, 2007

To do list :: Item no. 1

I've rearranged my life's to do list and moving up the list from last priority to first is--check it--ME! Not my home business, my family, my friends, my love life, but quite simply put…it’s all about me. I'm pretty much giving up a couple hours a day in an already busy schedule just to take care of me. What do I mean by taking care of me? Working out both with my trainer and on my own, actually taking the time to prepare meals instead of stopping off somewhere and grabbing something quick, and paying more attention to this website because this is where I collect my thoughts and gain perspective. This, for all intents and purposes, is where I give myself my own little pep talk.

I’m also talking nicer to myself. That doesn’t just mean I’ve stopped looking in the mirror and calling myself a cow, but I’m doing the daily affirmations that Dustina requested I do over breakfast. I sort of decided I needed more than that though. After 30 years of convincing myself that I was disgusting, 10 minutes over breakfast isn’t going to change a mindset. I do it, well, all the time. Even if it’s only reminding myself (or trying to convince myself) that I can do this.

I rejoined the gym Tuesday night and I’ve been Wednesday, Friday, and today. I may not have been breaking any records, but I was there dang it. I know that if I keep it up I will be feeling better and gradually be able to do more and more. Even today’s workout was far better than Wednesdays. Gotta crawl before you can walk. And I must say, the eye candy that has sprouted up since I was last there is mighty impressive. That right there is enough to motivate a girl to keep coming in if not get her heart rate up all together.

Dustina came over Thursday night for another workout. First she checked my body fat. Ouch! 49.6%. I'm half fat, people. Then I briefly mentioned that I had done arms at the gym the night before, but that did not matter like I thought it would. We did a lot of arms. And we not only did planks again, but we tossed in, ahem, BEAR CRAWLS! My hate for planks and bear crawls is really only paralleled (thus far) by squats and lunges. I have doc's permission to omit squats and lunges right now because of my knees, but alas, no mention of planks and bear crawls. You'da thought there was a Big Bad Wolf convention for all the huffin’ and puffin’ that was goin on. I told her that this is the most she’s kicked my ass and she told me she wanted me to remember her over the weekend. Clearly a fond remembrance wasn’t her priority.

Before she left, as promised, I gave her my scale (hereforeto known as "The Mechanical Demon") and I'm not going to lie to you, parting was such sweet sorrow. As I stood in my room getting ready for bed I peered into the bathroom at the empty space that used to be home to The Mechanical Demon and I longed for the days when I could weigh myself before bed. Then this morning I really wanted on that thing because I'd been doing so well the last few days and needed to see more payoff. Come on. I'm an instant gratification kind of girl and now I have to WAIT for my payoff. All of my victories will have to come from other places. It's good though, it's good. I will no longer be obsessing over a number. How I do on my diet will no longer be determined by whether or not The Mechanical Demon is cooperating. It will be based solely on how I feel, how I look, and how my clothes fit…it will just take a while.

So I’ve learned that putting myself on the list isn’t enough. I have to put myself at the top of the list. I have to stop making everything BUT me a priority. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit. Count this as day six of my 21, day six of taking care of me, day six of putting myself at the top of my to do list, and day six of finding my way back to something I lost quite a while ago…being fierce.

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