Monday, November 9, 2009

The road to hell was paved with good intentions

I made it back to the gym yesterday. I had all kinds of good intentions when I got there, but everything came undone. My ipod was dead so I had no real entertainment. I was texting someone for a little bit, but they had to go. I stopped the treadmill after 30 minutes and was going to move on to the bike, but I got all pass outty. I didn't eat before I went. I felt super weak. I left.

I went to the grocery store on the way home and got healthy food. Then I went home and made a giant salad. I took about 5 bites and couldn't eat anymore. I set it aside and did other stuff and came back to it. I had to force feed myself, basically, and still didn't eat it all. I made up two big tacos for dinner and could barely eat one. I threw the other one away. I felt gross.

This eating thing is not because of the boy. This eating thing started before that took a turn. I was skipping meals most of the summer. He actually would give me shit for it. This eating thing has been going on for a couple months now. I just, on most days, look at food like a complete inconvenience. I'm put out by having to eat. I don't know if that's good or bad. I sit in front of a plate of food and am annoyed by it, disgusted by it, repulsed by the fact that it has consumed so much of my life. I eat only because I know I have to, not because I want to. It's kind of scary for me. Every once in a while I find that I am ravenously hungry...I still don't want to eat. If I do, I'm usually only a few bites in before I want to throw it all away.

Is this what skinny people are like? Is this the relationship a person is supposed to have with food? Put out by having to eat and doing it only because they have to? Stopping after just a few bites because they just can't bring themselves to eat anymore? I hardly think so. I think I've gone from one extreme to another. At least this will get me closer to a goal of some kind...or kill me.

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