Bobble Head

I got my order of bobbles today. My drawing is still going on for those that want a chance to win a bottle that filters water for your enjoyment. See this post for details. For something so small in stature it's hard to believe what it does for the earth. It's a hard plastic material so the bottle will last and the filter is good for two months before you need a new one. All told, it prevents 300 water bottles from hitting your local landfill. And it's pink! (or blue, or black, or yellow, etc).

Sorry I've been AWOL over the last week, but a. I've not had a lot to say, b. homework up the wazoo, and c. I'm kinda feeling like my blog is just going through the motions despite all the work I've put into it. Does anyone care? Does anyone even still read? I used to put a LOT of thought and effort into my writing trying to be so witty and comical. Now? Not so much. Now I just write, whatever comes to mind, with very little creative chutzpa. Note to self: Must work on this.

For those that are looking for a weigh in? Not happnin'. I didn't go to the gym today. I got my exercise renovating The Love Shack. I don't know why I call it this, other than it's better than saying "The addition to my parent's house that doubles as an apartment for many family members." See? Now you understand the nickname. My cousin and her husband had lived there for about 5 years and moved out in December. Every once in a while I go over and start tackling all the things that need to be done to fix it up. The list is long and I don't have time. Dad sure as hell isn't going to pull himself away from training for the Lay-Z-Boy Olympics and mom works all day so...that leaves me. Needless to say, it's slow going.

I also didn't go to the gym because I had no intention of weighing in anyway. I am retaining water. I don't feel like I've lost anything. I didn't want to see proof of that on the scale. Worse, I didn't want to see a gain. Had a really bad self-esteem day yesterday and spent today trying to snap out of it. Seeing a gain on the scale is not the most effective way to do that.

I have been eating some pretty snazzy things, though.

My standard Kashi Warm Cinnamon cereal with Silk Light Vanilla Soy milk.

I made a, dare I say it, kick ass stir fry one night.

Salmon Patties, Fat Free Cottage Cheese, Asparagus, and Long Grain Wild Rice.

Now this little number deserves an explanation. I have started putting this Yoplait Chocolate Mousse Whips in the freezer for a couple hours and topping it with Fat Free Cool Whip and having this for dessert at night instead of ice cream. It's pretty darn yummy.

Last night I marinated chicken in Lawry's Oriental Sesame Marinade (I think that was the name). Yummy. So this morning I cut some up and did a little Egg Beaters scramble with the chicken and a little sharp cheddar on top. Had a glass of Silk and a high fiber english muffin with a little Barney Butter.

Today's lunch was some hummus, a whole wheat pita, and a sugar free pudding with fat free cool whip.

My afternoon snack was another bit of yogurt goodness. Yoplait Thick and Creamy Key Lime Pie with a 1/4 cup of Bear Naked Vanilla Almond Crunch Fit Granola. Super good.

I made fajitas for dinner, but no photo. My bad. Mom got three or four more pints of Ben & Jerry's, too...I make no promises. They are new flavors and they deserve my attention.

Spice route gone wrong

What's the tally, ho?

Down 6.0

Total 8.8

Am fierce

On the way home from the gym I picked up some birthday pressies for my mama. I got her some things to plant in the veggie garden and a super pretty Columbine. I brought a bunch into the house and my Dad's childhood friend, Wes, was here visiting. I said Hi and went to get the rest of the goodies. As I came back into the living room Wes said it looked like I had lost weight. He said he waited until I walked back out and asked Dad before saying anything just in case I hadn't. Dad told him I'd been working on it so he was in the clear to comment. Thanks, Wes!

Wes is very sick. He's on Oxygen and is rockin' a tracheotomy. He uses a walker and when he got up to go use the bathroom he got so dizzy that we had to try and get him back in the chair before he ended up on the floor. This is my Dad's best friend. They grew up in Florida together and came to Oregon together. It pains my dad to see him this way. As he was working his way out the door to head home he stopped and told me to keep it up...that I'm looking good. Who knew 8.8 pounds was so noticeable. It must be the navy blue shirt and black pants. Slimming.

After Wes left Dad was going on and on about how sick Wes is and that he doesn't figure he has another year to live. I said, "I'm going to say something and you can get as pissy as you want, but...I would appreciate it if you would do something to prolong you being in Wes' shoes for as long as possible because that's where we all predict you'll end up before long." He said he wouldn't end up like Wes, he'd just drop dead. Alrighty then. Good talk, Dad. Good talk.

And so it goes...

Lil Hummus, pita, pudding, and tea for lunch and Peanut Butter Cookie LARABAR for snack. Then came time to start cooking dinner. On tap? I decided to try a lil something from the Indian Spice Route.

It involved fancy things like turmeric, ginger, coriander, cardamom, and the like. I believe it's the most exotic I've ever been.

Well, me and exotic are no longer friends. Chicken Curry was a complete failure. This...

was dinner. Why, yes, that IS country potato bread, but it's a hell of a lot better than the Burger King that Mom and Dad are bellied up to right now. SFD (Translation = ShitFuckDamn, the swear word trifecta)!!

All in all, though, I'll still chalk to today up as a win. Although, I've gotten absolutely no homework done because curry disasters take hours. Might not be blogging it out tomorrow, but I'll definitely let you know how the walk through on the office space goes.

It's not delivery OR DiGiorno

I had a pretty decent workout at the gym today, but not very long. I had a lot to do and needed to make it quick. I snagged a McDonald's Southwest Salad with Grilled Chicken on the way home. Love this salad.

I got adventurous in the kitchen again and made pizza for dinner tonight. I make calzones for Mom and Dad quite often, but I just use some sort of instant pizza dough like Pillsbury or something. Today I made the dough from scratch. I also made the sauce from scratch. I put turkey pepperoni, canadian bacon, mushrooms, olives and some cheese (a little bit of sharp and some reduced fat four cheese italian blend). That crust was super tasty. I'm not going to say it was the most healthy dinner, but it was better than what I would have gotten somewhere else. I'm going to try a whole wheat crust one of these times.

I have a crazy week ahead. I have to get a LOT (and by a lot I mean a shit load) of homework dialed in before I go to the beach for the weekend, hit the gym on Tuesday and Wednesday, have some phone coaching thing with a Bodybugg coach on Wednesday, coffee with a friend Thursday to do homework together and then...

On Thursday I am meeting with someone that runs a creative services coop. Meaning, 10 people share the space and run their own businesses out of it. We each have a "pod" (aka cubicle of sorts) and do our own things, but we share the basics. The huge layout table, the conference room, the kitchen, the copier, etc.

We'd also share opinions, feedback, some laughs and some coffee. It's having my own business while still getting to socialize with like minded individuals. Bliss. I am still going to be looking for a full time job so I get some of that real world experience, but Pixel Dust will have a home. There are two locations in Portland and they have a space opening at the location pictured above. I'd have 24/7 access to the building so even if I got a "job" I could do my own thing on evenings and weekends. Ideally, though, business will be booming soon enough and I can focus all my attention on making my design studio a success. Giddy. Graduation is looming and big things are on the horizon.

Black and Blue

Not me, silly. My dinner. I made Black and Blue Bacon Burgers.

Black = black angus ground beef (I just use any ol' lean ground beef)

Blue = blue cheese

Bacon = real bacon bits

I take a portion of ground beef that I'd normally make a pattie out of and divide it in half, making two thin patties. I put about a tablespoon of crumbled blue cheese and a tablespoon of real bacon bits (beats cooking bacon) in the center of one of the thin patties and spread it out a little bit. I put the second pattie over that and pinch the edges to keep the goodness inside. I shape it back into a better looking burger and cook it up. Voila. Black and Blue Bacon Burger. I used a sandwich thin and the rest of the condiments are pretty much up to you.

And earlier today, I did a little more math.

All this...

divided by this...

plus this...

equals this.

I made hummus. Like, from scratch. Mom got Dad a Cuisinart for Christmas and he had never taken it out of the box (it's hard to find time to cook when you're training for the Lay-z-boy Olympics, donchaknow). I decided to take matters into my own hands and deboxed that bitch. I found a recipe, tweaked it a bit, and it's pretty dang good. Still needs a little work. When I get it dialed in I'll toss the recipe at you.

And guess who has so many calories left that she gets Ben & Jerry's tonight? This girl. Homework calls.

Make it Sparkle.

After my twelve hour day on campus yesterday, and heading home at 9pm, I stopped at Whole Foods Market because I needed to get some Tahini to try my hand at homemade hummus. I love that place, have I mentioned that? I believe I have. I feel ever so slightly lighter on my feet just walking in there. It almost makes the higher prices worth it for this girl. It's the little things. I got all sorts of new goodies that I've been wanting to try, but haven't ever braved. This renewed sense of weight loss empowerment has me wanting to be more adventurous and try all sorts of new things. Know what that means? Reviews.

I contacted a couple companies for samples just for S&G's and so far I'm waiting for my delivery from the ever so kind Vitalicious crew. I'm an unemployed student for cryin' out loud. Trying all sorts of new things is a risky endeavor when you're reserving all of your money for your graphic design habit. Needless to say, I was super excited when they eagerly replied to my email. Love them already.

Where was I? Oh, yes, Whole Foods. As I was walking through looking for things I've wanted to try I was enamored by all the packaging. I know there are some artsy chicks that read my babble, but I don't know if anyone has an appreciation for the Graphic Arts. It is my crack. What was a minor crush pre design education has become a full on love affair (which is good since it consumes 99.9% of my time). Part of my habit includes packaging. When you are a design(erd) you see things in an entirely different way. For instance, you pass a billboard and say "Oh, look. Air Supply is going to be at the casino" (who knew). I pass the same billboard and say something like "Did they REALLY just use Papyrus?" or "For the love of God! You could drive a bus through the space between that A and that I. Kern that SOB!" Road trips for you involve games of Eye Spy and the Alphabet game. For me? It's one big mass opportunity for logo critiques. I am the queen of offtrackedness today, no?

I came upon Steaz Zero Calorie Sparkling Green Tea. I felt flushed. The packaging appealed to my inner minimalist. White and clean with a lovely patterned flower. I wanted it. I wanted it bad. One problem. I hate sparkling water. There, I said it. I do, however, love green tea. So, there I stood, at a crossroads.

You might be able to resist it, but I? Cannot. Lovely packaging coupled with promises of zero calorie goodness is more than this girl can handle. Sustainably sourced, fair trade organic green tea? Sweetened with the leaves from the stevia plant? What choice did I have?

I just took one out of the fridge and am ready for the steaz experience. I'm sure many of you have already partaken, but I have been locked in classrooms and out of the loop. This will happen often as you read my reviews. I'm behind the times. I popped the top on the little gem and Shut The Front Door. Steaz comes with a side of wisdom on every cap. Today, apparently, "I am energy" (or so the cap says). Giggle. I felt a little spunkier just having been told so.

I took a sip. Hmmm. Another sip. Definitely better than sparkling water. Sip. Not quite like green tea. Sip. It's pretty. Sip. I suppose I can drink this. In a nutshell. I'm not swooning over the contents near as much as I was the outer pretty. I think it will be a nice switch when I'm tired of drinking plain water. I think that those that are fans of sparkling water would love it. I also think that the more sips I take the better it is. It might just be one of those better at the bottom things meaning...some things just grow on you after a while.

One more thing...even though I got home late, I sat down at my usual spot (notice the balance ball that I use as a chair) to work on homework and once mom and dad went to bed I watched my DVR'd Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. So sad. Made me tear up. This show provides inspiration beyond what Biggest Loser ever manages to. He went to a mortuary and you saw ginormous caskets built for the obese. You heard about how they have to explain to the families that their loved one won't fit in a regular casket, that the large caskets won't fit in their hearse and that they will have to buy two burial plots at the graveyard. And just when you think that doesn't apply to you because you're one for cremation you find out that's not so much the case. You see, when morbidly obese people are cremated they go up like roman candles because of all the fat in their bodies and there isn't really anything left in the way of ashes. It was profound. It was creepy. It was an awakening. I heart you Jamie Oliver. Truly, madly and maybe even deeply.

Great Expectations

I had big blogging plans today. Took photos of what I ate, thought of witty things to say, etc. Then a design brief happened. Basically I had to write a paper on what I intend to do for my portfolio, talk about my work, what I might put in it, what format the book might take, images of potential looks for it, and list 10 or more firms/studios/people/places/things I'd be interested in working for (hereforto known as the WhoToWoo list). Only, I didn't know it was this involved. Why? Because I am apparently no longer "that girl." I was that girl. You know, the girl that always has her shit dialed in no matter what class? She knows what's due and when and is never late? She gets assignments done ASAP and is crazy girl scout prepared no matter what? Yeah, that girl. I put this off all week and then when I looked at what was expected had a holy shit moment and panicked. I just got it done. It took four hours and is only a page and a half long. The good news? I'm not sure. I might know what portfolio I'll be using for my book? It might involve laser etching...just saying. SWOON!

Anyway, as promised...more cowbell.

I didn't eat breakfast before going to the gym which made me all wobbly and weak and resulted in a 30 min treadmill experience followed by, well, bailing.

Then I ate Subway.

Which might have been followed by Jell-O Mousse Temptations with Fat Free Cool Whip. Nom Nom Nom.

PM snack involved this lovely little fruit in one of mom's retro lil bowls. You know the kind. The one's you thought were completely hid(eous) when you were young but now secretly hope you get should she end up wearing cement galoshes and swimming with the fishes at some point (could happen, she's wiley that one).

Then all madness happened as I tried this hot lady's recipes for Pork Loin Roast with Gravy, Smashed Root Veggies and Roasted Broccoli. The kitchen was a tornado zone by the time I got done. My favorite was the smashed root veggies. I had never tried a turnip before. Go me for being all culinarily adventurous.

Somewhere around the 3 hour mark of my design brief there may or may not have been some Ben and Jerry's, but since there is no photographic evidence, you cannot prove it and thus...it never happened.

The road to hell was paved with good intentions

I made it back to the gym yesterday. I had all kinds of good intentions when I got there, but everything came undone. My ipod was dead so I had no real entertainment. I was texting someone for a little bit, but they had to go. I stopped the treadmill after 30 minutes and was going to move on to the bike, but I got all pass outty. I didn't eat before I went. I felt super weak. I left.

I went to the grocery store on the way home and got healthy food. Then I went home and made a giant salad. I took about 5 bites and couldn't eat anymore. I set it aside and did other stuff and came back to it. I had to force feed myself, basically, and still didn't eat it all. I made up two big tacos for dinner and could barely eat one. I threw the other one away. I felt gross.

This eating thing is not because of the boy. This eating thing started before that took a turn. I was skipping meals most of the summer. He actually would give me shit for it. This eating thing has been going on for a couple months now. I just, on most days, look at food like a complete inconvenience. I'm put out by having to eat. I don't know if that's good or bad. I sit in front of a plate of food and am annoyed by it, disgusted by it, repulsed by the fact that it has consumed so much of my life. I eat only because I know I have to, not because I want to. It's kind of scary for me. Every once in a while I find that I am ravenously hungry...I still don't want to eat. If I do, I'm usually only a few bites in before I want to throw it all away.

Is this what skinny people are like? Is this the relationship a person is supposed to have with food? Put out by having to eat and doing it only because they have to? Stopping after just a few bites because they just can't bring themselves to eat anymore? I hardly think so. I think I've gone from one extreme to another. At least this will get me closer to a goal of some kind...or kill me.

Does anyone have any duct tape?

I am a firm believer that duct tape will fix most anything. I am in need of desperate repairs. I seem to have acquired a broken heart and need to wrap it up tight in a large amount of duct tape. I told that stupid boy, the stupid boy that I somehow managed to fall in love with through all of this, that if he can't respect me or bring a fraction of what I do to the table to PLEASE leave me alone. I told that stupid boy that I would not call him or text him again. That if I hear from him it will be because he wants me in his life. I told him I wasn't putting a time frame on when this decision had to be made, but I wasn't going to keep working so hard for something his actions suggest that he doesn't want regardless of what his words are saying. This was not my smartest move. I thought I was being bold and standing up for myself again. What I have instead done is put myself back in the land of limbo. What I have done is allowed myself to sit here wondering if he will call, hoping he will call, all the while knowing that he probably won't. Am dumb, am sad, am a hopeless romantic.

I've hardly been eating for the last month. Skipping meals has taken on a whole new meaning. Some days all I'll have had by the time dinner rolls around is an apple and maybe a protein bar. When I eat dinner I eat very little before I just can't bring myself to take another bite. I probably only sit down to the table to attempt it so that mom doesn't go bat shit crazy over how I'm not eating, talking, living. The fucked up part of that is that I'm not losing weight. Well, not as much as you would expect after a month of this. I got on mom's scale this morning and am officially under 350, but I don't know how that compares to the scale I was using at the gym before classes started. Ah, ya caught me, still haven't been to the gym since the last you heard. This term is kicking my ass in ways only Oscar De La Hoya can comprehend. There are only four weeks left to it and then I believe I have three weeks off for the holidays. Next term I will only have to go to campus on Mondays and Tuesdays and then will have a couple online classes as well. This should help my ability to get to the gym. I hope.

I have not given up. I've steered clear of a lot of the fast food my schedule would normally have me partaking in and I've even omitted a lot of ice cream from my life. Afterall, I used to eat Ben & Jerry's with that stupid boy at his house. So, about that duct tape?

Don't judge me

Didn't weigh in this week.
Haven't been to the gym this week.
Not especially proud of how I've eaten this week.
Wednesday night I only got 2.5 hours of sleep because I was up all night doing homework.
Thursday night wasn't much better.
This weekend will be more of the same.

Before you judge me, take a second to ponder how it might feel for me to punch you in the neck for doing so.
Carry on.

Taste the rainbow

No, I'm not talking about those little sugar highs in a bright candy shell, I'm talking about fruits and veggies. They say you're supposed to. Ya know, taste the rainbow? And that's what I did. Today is Father's Day and Dad wanted his favorite BBQ ribs and these potato wedges that they got somewhere. So, mom obliged him and cooked everything up. What did I do? It looks a little something like this...



When I was at Whole Foods Market on Friday I grabbed a stir fry kit from the produce section anticipating an emergency kitchen situation. It had every color of the rainbow in it. I cooked up some chicken and tossed in the kit. I added a stir fry seasoning packet and some soy sauce and let her buck. Mom was cooking their dinner at the same time and couldn't help but comment on how good it looked. She loves those ribs, too, but she certainly did want some of my stir fry. Jump ship, mom, save yourself.

I sat with them at dinner despite my angst over doing so. It was father's day afterall. There I was, slowly eating my amazing stir fry, and feeling good about my choices when I found myself whole heartedly fighting the urge to punch Dad in the neck. He kept talking about his great potato wedges and his oooooh so amazing ribs and how perfectly she cooked the whatevers. Really, Dad? Really? Feel better now? I don't actually think they were intentional jabs at my efforts, this time, but more often than not, things like this get said with complete and utter intent to get under my skin...and it does.

Anyhoo, I got on the scale this morning. Not a great idea. It claims I haven't lost anything, but I think she's a lying bitch. I immediately chugged water and am hoping to break the dam before morning when I officially weigh in. If I haven't lost a decent amount I'm going to be about 20 kinds of pissed off. I made too many good choices and tried too hard not to have success tomorrow. Like, monuments erected in my honor success not "Here, take this piddley blue ribbon and smile for the camera." success. If you hear a blood curdling scream in the morning, that was just me.

Can you smell...what the Rock is cookin'

The Rock, in this case, is not a muscle bound, rope climbing, body slamming, actor of the wrestling ring. The Rock? Is me. Though I shall never be able to pull off a pair of itty bitty man panties the way he does. Black is slimming, but it ain't that slimming. For breakfast I cooked up a little bagel breakfast sandwich. Whole wheat bagel with ham, 2 eggs, and reduced fat mayo. I didn't put cheese on it because, you know what? I decided a long time ago that I don't like fat free cheese slices. I kept eating them because I like cheese. Fat free cheese slices are not cheese. They are sad little squares of puke dressed up like cheese. I threw it all in this little infomercial sensation my brother and sister-in-law gave me for Christmas and it cooked it all right up, even the eggs. That thing is a miracle with a heating element.

Lunch is when I went overboard. Not "Oh no, fat girls gone over." kind of overboard where everyone panics and tries to find enough people to pull her back in. More like a super hot, confident, hair tossed over her bronze shoulders in slow motion, going to gracefully dive into the water kind of overboard. Intentional, poised, and no regret kind of overboard. I put a salmon steak in a piece of foil and circled it with broccoli, yellow squash, baby carrots, and cauliflower. I sprayed it with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray (Mom and Dad could take a lesson here) and sprinkled it with a seasoning/herb/spice trifecta that I will likely never be able to match again. I wrapped it all up, put it in the oven, and voila...


I know, good right? There's more, as I ate it and thoroughly enjoyed it, I recognized I was satisfied and threw out about a quarter of the salmon (I know, I know, kids, somalia and shit. Well, me, fat and shit. If they wanna dig it out of my garbage, have at it). I'm starting to get a little hungry now and debating what my snack will be. Dinner is a couple hours away and I already know Mom and Dad are making hamburgers. They usually get the lean beef so I am going to go ahead and have one, but I might have to rethink the actual bread aspect. Maybe only the bottom of the bun, open-faced if you will, and none of those squares of puke dressed up like cheese for me, thanks.

Day 4 finds me still very much in control. It's made all the difference in my mood. Life has still been kicking me in no man's land and being in control of this one aspect has made all the difference. I feel like I can do anything, survive anything, when I can control this. Some of my past recruits of my Boot Camp weight loss challenge have sought me out for another one this summer. Because I have classes this summer, I can't do it the way I have in the past. Instead, just four of us are going to challenge each other and responsibilities are being divided so that it doesn't just rest on my shoulders. I think it will help keep all of us accountable to each other. First aspect of Boot Camp this year? The Crime and Punishment jars. Stay tuned.