Snappy new digs.

I decided it's time to give the ol' blog a facelift (as you can see). Will keep working on it, but thought that crazy header up there would set me apart from the crowd a little better than the generic trash I had up there before. Haven't had time to add the sass factor (and probably still shouldn't have now that I've pissed away an entire day doing it), but I've decided to always make time for sass.

I didn't go to the gym today (I blame Aunt Flo) so I broke out the Wii games and worked off about 350 calories. Better than nothing. Might knock more out later if my Uterus stops harshin' my gig. According to the ol' Bodybugg I'm on track for meeting my burn today, though. Go me n' stuff.

How many calories do you burn wallowing in your own self-pity?

Though you would think laying in bed from 6 pm until 8 am tossing and turning, reeling from internal strife, fighting to sleep, unable to stop your brain from spinning would burn innumerable amounts of calories, the fact is...it won't. The chances of it doing you any good at all are about as good as my chances of winning the title of Miss. Fitness USA. Last night I went downstairs to eat dinner after my last entry and made the executive decision to not eat. I wasn't hungry. Instead, I came upstairs and crawled in bed. I wallowed. I stewed. I came up with all these things I should say, but likely won't. I came up with questions and made up my own answers. I toggled ever so efficiently between angry and sad. For those that think I'm a hot mess in need of medication, I'm not. This is just what I do when my life is in limbo. I think I've mentioned this before, but fat girls can't limbo. I like definitive answers. I like knowing where I stand and what's around the corner. I like having some sense of control. Yesterday I felt like I had none. Toss in the fact that the height of the limbo bar has been set by someone I care a lot about and this is the result.

He and I were supposed to talk last night; we didn't. After a few texts about how we WOULD be talking last night, I got one that said we wouldn't be. It was the last night that his cousin would be staying there and they were "talking about life." What I wanted to say in response was, "Don't call me for a while," or "Have another beer and fuck off." Instead, a simple "Goodnight, Insertnamehere." His name is nearly always replaced with a term of endearment when I address him, so, the simple fact that I used his name probably got my point across without me lowering myself to levels I'd regret. I figured I'd wait until this morning and see how I felt. This is progress for me. And what was the result? I took back some of the control. I determined what height the bar would be set today. I gave his indecisive "time out" the middle finger and told him that I didn't want to talk to him the rest of today, or tomorrow for that matter. I wasn't going to sit here waiting for texts or calls that likely wouldn't happen. He has company in town tonight so I doubt it's going to affect him all that much, but it made all the difference for me. He said everyone (company, cousin, daughter) would be gone tomorrow night and things would be more settled. That we could talk. He sounded sad. I hung up.

I started cleaning, frantically, if I may say so. Dust bunnies called for backup as I tore through my room on a mission. Cardio, no? I turned on the Wii and fired up My Fitness Trainer to put some time in with Maya. I almost threw a dumbbell at the screen as she nagged me about missing my sessions lately. Look, bitch, I've been checking in daily getting workout credit for what I've been doing at the gym. Just because I haven't wanted to workout with YOUR ass, does NOT a slacker make. I did a 30 minute workout with her that focused on flexibility. Now I'm all stretched out and ready for some limbo. Anyone?

BBQ, Me and You

Unless you're a Green Mile fan you won't get the reference in the subject line, but this video still pertains to yet another BBQ I've survived. And this one? Just shows a clip of what Gold's Gym Cardio Workout is like. Can't stay. Toodles.

Never let it settle

Many people go through their lives settling. They get up every day and go to a job that they hate because it's easier than trying to find another one or because they resist change. They stay in relationships they know are bad for them if not at least moderately unhealthy because it's easier than being alone or because the dating scene is a hot mess and nobody wants that. They stay fat because spending every evening on the couch eating fast food and ice cream is way easier than getting exercise or resisting temptation. Is it? Is it easier?

Is sitting behind a desk listening to a nagging bitch of a boss make you feel worthless easier than finding a job where you're respected? Or maybe it's not that drastic. Maybe you're just feeling unchallenged, that you could be doing so much more with your life, and waking up every morning absolutely dreading facing another pointless day in the life of you. You're right. That sounds AWESOME!

Is having your stomach clenched up in knots as you hear the sound of your significant other's car pulling up easier than being single? Will you sit across from them at dinner, again, trying to mentally list all the reasons that you're with them and only be able to come up with "because it's better than being alone?" Are you changing who you are, being less than you are, because it's what you think they want you to be? Sign me up for that shit, quick!

Is eating whatever you want and never having to turn down food easier than waking up every day hating yourself? Is the 5 minutes of bliss while bellied up to a pint of Ben & Jerry's so much better than the embarrassment you feel when you can barely fit in a booth at a restaurant? Is it? Really?

Why do we settle for so much less than we deserve? Obviously the last example is a habit I've yet to break. I feel strong today, but how long will I? I did about two and a half hours of various Wii activity today and feel great (if great means sore). I didn't tally a win at the BBQ last night, but I didn't go bat shit crazy either. I did a little damage control before hand and stopped at the Whole Foods that is about a block from their house. I love Whole Foods. Just walking in there makes me feel like I'm doing something good for myself; like I'm fighting to eat better. I got some King Harvest Jalapeno Hummus (Portland made, naturally, and best) and some of the cutest ittiest bittiest pita rounds for dippin'. I also got some baked pita chips as well in case the chips they had beckoned. I gnoshed on those before dinner and when it came time to eat, I had one brat sans the bun and a hamburger (not bril, but not over the top either as I left off mayo and only used mustard and ketchup), and a tiny scoop of potato salad. I may or may not have had cookies afterwards, you have no proof. I had 3 of the Mojitos (so yum) that were purchased in my honor and when told to take the rest with me, I declined and told him to keep them for when I come back. I made choices. I didn't blindly put food on my plate without caring. I didn't pass off my accountability to another day. I chose what I was going to eat and drink without guilt or self loathing.

Today, all in all, I think I've done well. Aforementioned exercise; cereal & fat free milk; hummus & greek pita; wheat bagel with avocado, ham and lettuce...now it's time for dinner. I can hear it being made downstairs, but I have no idea what it is. I am prepared, though, to make yet another choice. So, take a minute to assess the ways in which you settle; the things in your life that you want and have the power to change. After that, make choices! Wish me luck, I'm goin' in!

Waving my white flag

I surrender, or quit rather. The responses I got last night from Alex were as follows:

Alex: No I did not know that. That's funny though...people always like to gossip.

Me: Daniel has been telling me to ask you out all day. What's that about?

Alex: I didn't say anything to him...I don't know what to say.

Me: Interesting. I guess I get Daniel harassing me and you get Laura. They probably won't stop until we're making out in a back room somewhere knowing them.

As of 11:30 last night...that's where we left it. And, to be honest, that's where we're going to leave it. My Gemini ways have me already getting bored. If anything ever happens it will be because he grew a pair and repeaked my interest because right now he's dropping back down to "just friends" status.

Did I mention that I went to 24 hour fitness on Tuesday? No, of course I didn't. I'm only posting about the ways of stupid socially inept boys these days because that and school are all I've focused on lately. Well, I did. I got a 7 day pass and went to use it. All the sales people were gone for the night so she just gave me a day use pass and said to come back and we'd initiate the 7 day pass. Whatevs. I worked out and realized I don't like that gym. It's one of the Lance Armstrong Super Sport versions and it's the only one between school and home that's somewhat easy to get to. It was packed, it was way too stuffy in there, and it's more expensive to join a super sport than a sport. No thanks. It was nice to be back at it, though. To feel like I'm making an effort again. I've lost a little at the last few WW meetings, but will only be going until the middle of next month. Can't afford the $40 a month with the way unemployment is fucking me these days. I'm so broke I'm taking summer classes just to try and get more financial aid money so I can live. Oddly though, I'm still not stressed out. It's like the day I decided I wasn't going to let all these things get me down...they didn't. Is that because I'm stronger or more at ease with things being out of my control? I don't know. Maybe I'm just so used to bad things happening that I'm unable to give a shit anymore. Either way, not caring is nice right now.

I have about one more week of classes for this term and it's going to be a rough one. There are a lot of projects due that involve a lot of work. After that I have two weeks off before summer classes start. My plan for summer was to really focus (like last summer) on losing as much weight as I can. It would be nice to go back to school in the fall and have people do a double take. We'll see what me, good food choices, my wii, and walking out at my brother's can do for me because I likely won't be able to join a gym just yet. Wish me luck, I could use some.

I was skinny until that freak buffet accident.

Saturday was my mom's surprise birthday party. Complete success. I even managed to distract her as we pulled up to the house because I knew she'd catch on if she saw all the cars. I had her dig in my purse at just the right time to find my lip gloss and she found a brownie that a friend had given me at school. Like a moth to a flame, boy. She was so fixated on that thing that I was in the driveway and parked before she bothered to look up and notice the huge crowd of people. Like mother like daughter, no?

The food aspect was hardcore buffet. All of the invitees were told to bring their favorite dish. Well, they may not know how to RSVP, but they do know how to bring the grub. When I walked up to it and saw how much there was I flashed back to buffet tables of parties past. Buffet tables that have done me in so many times. Buffet tables that, as if it were a cage match, had me tapping out as my waistband cut off the circulation to my naughty bits. Not this time. Not this buffet table. I showed surprising restraint. There was so much food that I found it overwhelming. I was intimidated by it. I wasn't, however, scared and feeling like I was about to undergo an all time record breaking binge. I was just, well, kind of disgusted actually. I didn't even try most of it. I also didn't drink. As a matter of fact, I stayed well away from the food and drink by going to the backyard and throwin' down on the Vball court. Fat girls STILL can't jump, but we do have a wicked serve.

Today I tried out another new workout game for the Wii, Gold's Gym Cardio Workout. It was too hot in my room so I didn't do it for very long. Seems to be a lot of boxing, which I dig big time. I'll have to get back to you on if the game itself is any good. What I can tell you is that in the beginning, when you make your little character and give him/her all of your physical attributes, your belly stops growing once you reach a certain level of gordo. First I upped my lil characters height and she got a nice thin little waist because her weight hadn't changed. Then I started upping the weight and she just got thicker and thicker until her little animated belly had a nice rotundness to it. After a while she stopped growing because even animated Wii people aren't as fat as I am.

I gave homework the finger this weekend, too. I did a little, but I'll have to finish the remainder of the mandatory stuff tomorrow during a between class break I'll have. The weather was just too nice and, well, I was just too crampy. I decided that a day like today was better spent driving around with the top down for a little while, sitting in the backyard with Lola reading something that didn't involve learning anything, and daydreaming about my date with my new laptop. Roughly translated: I wanted to finish kicking my stress in the slats and focus on me a little more. The weather is supposed to be great for a few more days. Me, sunshine, convertible, new laptop, upcoming weekend beach trip, a ban on stress...things are lookin' up kids.

Warriors, and Monkeys, and Dogs...Oh my!

There are a lot of experiences that I have not had, places I have not gone, and things I have not done. Some of them are because I'm too poor, too scared, too shy, too inept; you get the point. Often times, though, it's simply because I'm too fat. Take wearing a size 2 dress, posing for Playboy (giggle), or using my Wii Fit. I have never done these things because I am, legitimately, too fat. There are things, however, that I haven't done because I only THINK I'm too fat. Yoga is one of those things.

Until now.

I was working out yesterday with, you guessed it, Maya. She had me focusing on flexibility and towards the end I saw that the upcoming move was called a Triangle Pose. I don't know a lot about Yoga. What I do know is that if a phrase has the word pose in it and no one around has a camera, you're likely talking about Yoga. I've always wanted to do yoga, but have never done much more than a Child's Pose because I'm confident that there isn't a lot of it I could do at my size. I grimaced as I saw what Maya had in store for me, but went along with it. OMG! L.O.V.E.D.'d it. I was all stretched out and when we were done with the move I was so relaxed. We did something with the word Pretzel in it and a Child's Pose and...I did Yoga. But wait, there's more.

I crawled into bed and decided I needed to see what else Maya offered for a Yoga rookie. I got back out of bed and turned her on (naughty; stop it). I chose a Yoga for the workout instead of Upper Body or Cardio so that I would get all Yoga, all the time. Ya'll? I did 15 minutes of straight Yoga. Warrior Poses, Downward Facing Dogs, Triangle Poses, Upward Facing Dogs, Monkey Stretches, Half Moon Poses (sorta)...me. Yoga. I know.

I can't say that I was style and grace. I can't say that I even did them correctly, but I can say that I tried and enjoyed it. The best part of working out with Maya? No one is watching. No one is judging. No one is yelling at me or making me feel inadequate because I can't do something. In my dojo? I am Yoga Master. Namaste, Bitches!

Bedtime stories didn't used to be this scary

Last night before bed I spent about 15 minutes with Maya. Her version of bedtime stories involve squats and lunges, bicep curls and tricep presses, crunches and some odd little thing where I curl into a ball and roll back and forth. I'm supposed to bring my knees to my chest for this. I haven't brought my knees successfully to my chest since I was a fetus, I assure you. I think I prefer my bedtime stories have ghosts, dragons, gory details of dismemberment, and the like. They'd provide far less nightmare potential for me I think.

This morning I decided to see what she serves for breakfast. Planks. The bitch had me doing planks. I guess she IS a real trainer because they ALL make you do planks! Where's the originality in that I ask? As you're working out with Maya she occasionally asks you how that last little bit of torture treated you. You can choose from "No sweat," "I was working hard," and "I couldn't keep up." This allows her to decide how she wants to ream you the next time you hang out. She'll only dial it up a notch if you say no sweat, people. I'm just sayin'! She is kind enough to let you have a rest period between certain things. Just long enough for her to adjust her ponytail, her shoe, her spandex, whatever might be riding up into her nether regions. And before you start another part of the workout, she'll ask you to wait while she "finds the beat." My new BFF for sure!

After dinner I went for a walk. I needed to clear my head and see if it filled back up with clarity. It didn't. I've been so disconnected the last week. So indifferent to everything. I've been seeing someone lately and I've even pulled away from that (for various reasons I'll not get into). School starts tomorrow and I don't want to go. Since when haven't I been jacked up on school? Even when I was drowning in it I was still loving it. Right now, I'm not. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I'm just tired. My life is still all kerfucked and I'm getting quite fed up with it all.

Before I sat down to write this I popped in my new Jillian Michaels' Fitness Ultimatum 2009 game for the Wii. I did about 15 minutes with it. I'm not all that impressed with it yet, but maybe I'm not doing it right. Maya works me out much harder than Jillian so far. My Wii Balance Board can be used on that one, maybe that'll make the difference. Right now it's just a lot of running in place. The rowing and the monkey bars seems good, but F@#$ it all if I can figure out the grenade toss. I'll have to play with it some more and see what happens. As you work out you gain access to new training tips and things.

For those of you trying to tally my activity for today. I got in about an hour. Considering how sedentary I've been for the last, eesh, six months...this is huge. Tomorrow starts another 11ish weeks of hell. Let's see if I can't bring my A game this time, shall we?

Wii are fat

and by Wii I mean me as determined by my Wii. I'm embarrassed to admit that my left shoulder is sore from an hour of bowling that I did a couple days ago. Granted, I don't just click and flick to knock those pins down, I actually DO go through the actual motion of bowling, but that is tragic. I turned on my Wii Fit a couple weeks ago just to see what would happen and, naturally, one of the first things it wants to do is weigh me. I got on it just for the hell of it and quickly regretted it. Nothing like a little animated balance board telling you that you exceed its weight limits. Today I got a game called My Fitness Coach. It doesn't require the balance board so I thought it was a good idea. Another notion I should have reconsidered.

I would like to tell you more about it at this point, but I haven't really done it yet because setting up my profile was about all I could handle today. I haven't really worked out to any significant degree since this summer. My nephew was in my room with me when we turned it on. A hot, animated chick with a perfect body proceeds to explain that I'll need to set up the aforementioned profile. This, as the paperwork explains, is Maya...my new personal trainer. Personally, I wish that she was a he that stood about 6'4", with biceps the size of small children and abs I could do laundry on, but who am I to complain? Maya will do just fine. She politely asked for my particulars. When it got to my weight I made my nephew take Lola downstairs. I didn't want to scar the child. He came back up and it was asking for various measurements. I kicked him out again as I took them. When he came back in I was doing the resting heart rate. Simple enough. What's that? You want me to do jumping jacks now? Ok...how hard can that be? For two minutes? No problem, Maya. I'm your girl. WTF? When did jumping jacks get so hard? Did I mention that I had just taken my bra off when I did the measurements? Ouch.

After I nursed my black eye I had to do squats, modified pushups, crunches, and test my flexibility. Fair enough. Then Maya told me that I'm outside the healthy weight range. Money well spent, my friends. I'd been living the lie up until this point. She wanted to know my goal weight and if my objective was Weight Loss, Upper Body Strength, Lower Body Strength, Core Body Strength, Cardio Fitness, or Flexibility. After the revelation that I was outside the healthy weight range I signed up for weight loss, natch. Now Maya wanted me to set up a commitment schedule. Ya know, when will I work out and how long? Silly girl. She asked what equipment I have at home so she knows how to properly torture me.

As far as I can tell I get to choose music, workout location, and she'll ask me my mood before we work out. I get to choose from "Nothing can stop me," "Not too bad," and "You're lucky I'm here!" I think I'd rather have one that says "You're lucky I don't cut you, you skinny little animated bitch." Should be fun, no?

Don't worry Blogville!

I'm light as a feather. A 357 pound feather anyhow. Fear not, I've been plugging along. Trying desperately to mingle school and weight loss. I pack oodles of food every Tuesday and Thursday to make it through a 13 hour day. The problem is, I have to pack things that will withstand that length of time out of the fridge and that doesn't need microwaving. I'm eating entirely too much dairy. I'm just saying.

It is no easy task. I feel like Horton lately (you know, hears a who?). Like I'm carrying around this very fragile microscopic community disguised as a dust spec on a clover and its success as a whole rests soundly in my trunk, er, hands. Every once in a while a PMSing Kangaroo rears its ugly head and tries to sabotage everything. I lose the clover in a patch of millions of other identical clovers and frantically claw my way through them trying to bring back order and safety to what I've fought so hard to protect. I ward off giant carniverous birds (and possibly happy bunnies carrying cookies).

Last week I only lost .8 and this week I felt like I was in for a far worse fate. I thought for sure I was in for a gain. I climbed on the scale and thought "I have to think light. I'm light as a feather. I am light as a feather." .4 down. Heavy feather.

I got a Wii today. Probably a purchase I shouldn't have made, but I did. Financial aid money well spent. My gym membership is up in a few weeks (not like I've used it since this summer, but anyway...) and I'm not going to renew it. I don't want to have to come up with the money every month while unemployed and I hated driving that far to workout. I'd been wanting a Wii for just shy of ever and decided that my exercise for right now would involve the Wii and walking. I got a Wii fit, too. I don't get to use it until I weigh 329. Why? Because the weight limit is 330 and so it's a reward for getting to 329. It sits perched next to my tv, mocking me. Yet another device meant to help me lose weight that I can't actually use until I lose weight. It's a cruel cruel world.