Monday, September 7, 2009

Kelly Scissorhands

My nails have been proving themselves to be as bothersome, um, effective as predicted. Last night as I tried to give a boy a massage after his hard day of work I'm pretty sure I stabbed him in the neck. Being as how I didn't hit the jugular and he's just happy to be getting one, he didn't say a word. As I waited in line at the drive through Starbucks this morning, I couldn't get my debit card out of its home in my wallet. I had to bend my wallet back and use my teeth. It prevented me from getting a pumpkin scone for breakfast and instead I got a reduced-fat turkey bacon and egg white sandwich. It did not prevent me from getting a pumpkin spice latte. Tis the season, bitches.

Per the request of someone who had too much whine with his pork, here's a photo of my scissorhands. I know. They're not even crazy long. For those that haven't had fakies before, it's not so much the length (I'm used to long nails for the most part), it's the fact that they aren't actually part of your body and you can't feel things with them the same way and it's how thick they are. They're twice as thick as your natural nails which is why it's harder to wedge them under the tab on your can of beer. Hell, I can't even set free a piece of turkey bacon from between my teeth anymore. I had to use a piece of paper in my car on the drive home. I know, this is serious. Hopefully they keep reminding me to stay on track. If not, maybe I can start trimming hedges and cutting hair with them


Diana said...
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Diana said...

Six months ago I got fake nails. Like you I've done it on and off my entire life. It's a hate/love thing with me too. Perfect, pretty, totally not practical.

A week after I had them put on I bought a book, "How to Not Look Old" (I'm 54). They had a thing about nails, specifically fake nails. Apparently they age you, and they're not fashionable anymore. In fact, they said in the high end salons in Manhattan you can't even find a salon that will do fake nails. "Real" nails are the fashion now. Wouldn't you know, I spend $60 on these things to have them put on and the next week they're "out of style".

Oh well, I've kept them on so far, but they're a big pain in the butt. I love how the polish stays on, how pretty they look. I hate the time (an hour every two weeks), and the expense, and how they don't feel good. I really hate how I can't really scratch an itch. Makes me insane.

I like the idea of them being a reminder of making ourselves look good. That's a good idea. I'm going to try and think that way when I want to rip them off. :)