Saturday, August 30, 2008

Doing my part to support the men in blue...

one ticket at a time. Or, in this case, the men in plain clothes performing a sting operation to catch the most heinous of violators; those that don't stop for pedestrians that they are in no way, shape, or form going to hit. Oregon has acquired itself a fairly new pedestrian law. Something about if they set one foot off the safety of their precious little curb then seas better part for them. Thou shalt stop and remain stopped until their fragile sensibilities make it safely across regardless of how long they dawdle or whether or not they themselves were following traffic safety (next we'll be required to offer them a ride to their destination paying no never mind to the ax they wield). For they, said pedestrians, walk on water.

My pedestrian happened to be a plain clothed police officer and, as I can only giggle at imagining, was spending his Saturday walking back and forth across the tiny streets of Aurora, Oregon to catch violators such as myself. Seriously? Aren't there crimes being committed somewhere? Anyway, as my nephew and I were heading to stay the night with my sister we came upon said pedestrian. He was not even in our lane yet as we passed him. Now, typically I am the first to stop and let people cross the street, however, in this instance, I thought getting the hell out of the way and not slamming on my breaks to stop was the wiser decision. As I passed him, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw him getting on his cell phone all the while watching my car. I thought to myself, "No one watches a car like that unless they're calling in a violation of some sort." Enter cop car side street right. Fucker.

I pull over to the sounds of my nephew uttering "Oh my God. We're going to jail." I considered assuring him that the only jail worthy thing I've done was between me and Ben & Jerry and that I stealthfully disposed of any evidence, but thought he might freak out, jump from the car, and have me arrested for kidnapping.

To his credit, Officer What's His Face was not a complete dick as is so typical. Should the circumstances have been different, I might have even liked the guy. I do find it interesting that my thing for men in uniform completely disappears when they are standing next to my car, with their hand on their gun, asking for my license, proof of insurance, and registration. He didn't even take very long writing me my ticket so I didn't have to sit on the side of the road being subjected to rubbernecking for very long. Of course, as they were doing this all day, he probably had them filled out in advance for uber-effectiveness. Sort of like a Mad Lib. Just fill in "Person's Name", "Adverb", "Noun", and "Dollar Amount" and you're done. My dollar amount? Two hundred forty seven (247) dollars. Did I mention I'm unemployed? As he handed me my ticket he said, "Just so you know, I'm not the officer that's issuing the ticket. The officer that was walking is and he'll be the one in court" Thanks, Officer What's His Face, but that doesn't make me hate you any less. No, No, YOU have a nice day. Fucker. Albeit a nicer fucker than most.

I quickly called my sister to warn her before she passed through Aurora, Oregon. HA! One less sucker to meet your quota, bitches. And, should any of our fine men in blue be reading this...I respect what you do, hard job, blah blah blah, don't arrest me. Free speech and what not.


Carlos said...

such bullshit! I swear they pull this shit to increase revenue for the city. I have my day in court tomorrow.

Sophia said...

Two-hundred-and-forty-seven-dollars??? YIKES! I know that these small Marion County towns are hurting for revenue, but that is ridiculous! We made our own little family contribution to Marion County traffic court several months ago - make sure that you don't turn into your turning lane a second too soon!

Sara said...


Holy crap.

In the name of solidarity, I will reveal that I too was stopped tonight by the flashing lights of a Nebraska state trooper because I hadn't yet renewed my license plates. It's my own fault, the reminder and check have been sitting on the foyer table for weeks now, and I just keep putting it off.

I got a fix-it ticket, though, and won't be out any cash as long as I take care of it in 10 days.

If the amount had been an uncontestable $247 you'd be seeing my fat ass and blurred out face on an upcoming episode of COPS as I lost my religion on right there in the middle of 156th street...